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[quote] On 2012-04-17 04:54, Strange Tasting Fish Sticks wrote: *** it. I can't feel happiness from anything. I feel like a failure constantly. It's never good enough for me. Got a job I wanted for years...a job I could only dream of. Im' happy to work, Im' happy to do a good job. I'm grateful. But I'm horribly empty, and it's been this way for years. Now I feel especially unworthy. The question I ask myself all the time: "Why me?" I certainly don't' feel worthy of helping out.I just don't understand. Why do I deserve what I've "achieved?" . Because I've achieved nothing. Nothing! I just feel so unworthy. Extremely grateful and happy I am at times, yet extremely sad and depressed at the same time. It's hard to explain. I got to the United States Ultimate Typing Championship semi finals, in 6th place at a typing speed of 168 WPM. I didn't answer my email, so I was disqualified. It was from 12 years from a severe gaming addiction, where all I did was type...everyday...for 12 years...I don't want to do typing. I want to do magic. Why can't do I what feels right to me? My parents always tell me I should do one thing, a stenographer or work at safeway or something. My dad says he thinks he thinks magic is stupid and I should get a real job. I feel differently. I lost 101 lbs, but I'm worse off than before and have body dysmorphic disorder now, was recently diagnosed with Fibromalygia , and am on 6 different meds. I felt better fatter. I have no energy, am on high blood pressure meds, which has no reason why. Everything was tested. I drink 4 energy drinks a day just to stay up, get through the day and get through certain projects. I just feel weak for complaining, I know people have it worse than me. but I can't help but feel really numb and hopeless sometimes. *** it, body fat of 30% to 11%, why can't I feel happy about this? I lost 16 inches of my waist...but there's always people better than me. It's never enough. The loose skin just makes it worse. Maybe it's because a lot of people bullied me and doubted me all my life. Maybe I shouldn't use that as some type of excuse. I can do better than that. Can't feel pleasure from anything. I realize these are all black and white statements, splitting as they call it in psychology, I realize I'm minmizing things, but I still feel a horrible sense of emptiness. I thought setting goals and achieving them would make me happy. Nothing does, though. Except maybe practicing magic and performing it for people...that helps...for a little bit. No matter how hard I work - it's never good enough. As Lupe Fiasco says in one of his songs: Sometimes livin' in a world like this, It's pretty hard not to go insane, Not pretty if you don’t comply, Pretty easy if you don’t complain, Stand there like you don’t feel pain, No tears in the face of defeat, Pretend to the end that you don’t feel change, Don’t admit it that your faith is weak, I’m on the dark side, And you can't come find me, How? when its light all around you, Yeah but it's dark on the inside, No win when it's me against me, One of us ain't gonna survive, My heart been broke for a while, Yours (You guys) has/(have) been the one keeping me alive I just wanna cut to the chase, I wanna stop these nightmares, I just wanna touch your face, All you see is all my feats, All I see is all my flaws, All I can hear is all my demons, Even through your applause, All you see is all my flights, All I see is all my falls, All you see is all my rights, All I see is all my wrongs. Door keep telling me to fight Door keep telling me to find a reason Anything to keep me from squeezing Simplest things yeah you really like summer You really like music, you really like reading.. This too shall pass Kevin, this too shall pass...hang in there.... [/quote]
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