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Michael J. Douglas
Grammar Host
WV, USA
1650 Posts
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Posted: Mar 9, 2006 11:19pm
And with the Olympics just over....
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How in the world can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's darn slippery out there."
When did this turn into Irish bashing? hehe
I'm of Irish and Scottish heritage and I don't drink. Somethin's wrong here....
Michael J.
“Believe then, if you please, that I can do strange things.” --from Shakespeare’s ‘As You Like It’
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jgravelle
Loyal user
Milwaukee (Head shown not actual size)
270 Posts
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Posted: Mar 9, 2006 11:34pm
I'm glad you changed the pace. I laughed so hard at the Australian lingo that I had to change my down-under-wear.
If anybody needs me, I'll be at Wallaby-Mart...
Regards,
-jjg
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Elly May Drudge
Tim Ellis' snoopy neighbor
Melbourne, Australia
40 Posts
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Posted: Mar 9, 2006 11:56pm
HAHAHAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
LOVE the jokes!!!
But, jjg just reminded me...
I'd LIKE to put a few names for naughty body parts on the forum ,as they had me splitting my sides and crying on the floor (it might have something to do with the silly illustration that went with the explanation... but, we'll stay above board.
Maggots.
Make a pavement pizza.
Spare me the violins.
Up the bum of a black chook looking for white feathers.
Wouldn't know if a tram was up him till the bell rang.
--------------
Go on then... 'avagoyamugs' - see what you can come up with here!
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ASW
Inner circle
1781 Posts
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Posted: Mar 10, 2006 3:28am
Some of the lingo quoted in here is actually British slang or phrases: i.e., "her indoors", even though we use those terms, too. (Minder was a big hit in Oz)
There's a lot of rhyming slang in Oz due to the migration (forced!) of a lot of Londoners to Australia many moons ago. But we have a few of our own unique terms (Cark, drongo, etc).
Where we shine is in the simile and metaphor department, as Ellie and a few others have indicated:
"Wouldn't know the postman was up him until he blew the whistle"
"Drier than a pommies bath towel"
"A few kangaroos loose in his top paddock"
"Clack your dags"
"Easier than stealing wheat off a blind chook"
"Spear the..." Oh, skip that one.
Whenever I find myself gripping anything too tightly I just ask myself "How would Guy Hollingworth hold this?"
A magician on the Genii Forum
"I would respect VIPs if they respect history."
Hideo Kato
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Michael Sullivan
New user
Australia
86 Posts
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Posted: Mar 10, 2006 3:32am
G'day,
Fair suck of the sauce bottle you blokes, Oh sorry and shellers.
Struth, I don't want to hear any Porkie Pies from any Snapper Heads.
To much of this and I will start getting my nickers in a knot.
Remember the yarns written on the dunny wall are to stay on dunny wall.
By golly, By jingo, By crikey theres more Kangaroo Boxing coming up!
WOW! all this slang creation is straining the old Trams & Trains.
Michael
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Tim Ellis
V.I.P.
Melbourne, Australia
1195 Posts
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Posted: Mar 10, 2006 3:52am
For the non-Australians out there who would like to speak Aussie, but don't have the time to learn all of our odd expressions, here's 'The Idiot's Guide to Talking Strine'.
One simple rule that will have you talking like an Aussie is to shorten a word and add "ie" to it.
That's why we Australians refer to ourselves as "Aussie"
Barbecues = Barbies
Alcoholics = Alkies
Kindergarten = Kindie
Relatives = Rellies
Cardigan = Cardie
Cigarette = Ciggie
Chewing Gum = Chewie
This is a simple rule and works with many words, but be careful, it doesn't work with all. There's no rhyme nor reason behind it, but some words simply don't work with "ie", you have to use "o" instead.
Garbologists are not Garbies but Garbos
Registration is not Regie but Rego
Smoking Break is not Smokie but Smoko
A Lesbian is not a Lessie but a Lesso
These are the finer points of our beautiful language, difficult to teach, in fact some say you need to be born here to speak it correctly.
There are also a few embarrassing mistakes made by American visitors to our shores that you need to be aware of.
* I've already told you about "Fannie" - in Australia, that is not a bottom.
* It's alright to refer to "a pack of fags" - in Australia it's nothing more than a packet of cigarettes.
* We wear "thongs" on our feet.
* It's okay to ask for a "little boy" at a party - all you'll get is a cocktail sausage or a "weiner".
* If you'd like a sausage and eggs, though it's not heard all that often, you can request a "mystery bag" and some "bum nuts".
* We'd prefer that you don't say "I root for the team", unless you actually want that type of reputation.
I hope this helps.
www.MagicUnlimited.com
www.timellismagic.com
Visit our online shop for instant downloads and ebooks
http://www.australianmagician.com/store
Blog - www.magicunlimited.typepad.com
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Jonathan Kelly
Regular user
Waterford, Ireland
156 Posts
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Posted: Mar 10, 2006 10:35am
Tim, that last bit reminds me of something that I read on this forum
Some guy had recently gotten into Metal Bending and was giving some advice to a fellow magician who was interested in it.
This is what he said. "It's great. I get great reactions at school. They even call me the bender now!"
He seemed happy about it. Obviously it means something different where he comes from than it does where I live!
"But where did the lighter fluid come from?"
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IT Magic
Regular user
Australia
113 Posts
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Posted: Mar 10, 2006 6:52pm
Freezing the balls off a brass monkey comes from old nautical times.
Picture an old style sailing ship with the cannons lining either side.
Next to every cannon there is a small pyramid of cannon balls.
The cannon balls are sitting on a square brass base with cannon ball sized dimples in it. It is this base that keeps the bottom layer of balls from rolling away and the rest are stacked on top to form a pyramid. This base is called a monkey.
When the weather got really really cold, the brass monkey would contract due to the cold and the balls would get pushed from the dimples and go rolling all over the deck.
Thus is born the phrase "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey"
Not really what we tend to think of these days, I think most picture a brass ape losing delicate body parts.
Magic, Illusion and Data Management
www.stardockmagi.blogspot.com
I picture a world of love and peace, a world without war where people live together in harmony.
I also picture us attacking that world 'cause they just wouldn't expect it
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jgravelle
Loyal user
Milwaukee (Head shown not actual size)
270 Posts
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Posted: Mar 10, 2006 8:53pm
I'm not usually one to critique another man's balls story, but I can't pass up a monkey-debunkey:
http://www.snopes.com/language/stories/brass.htm
I'll apologize in advance if "monkey-debunkey" is an impolite phrase in Australia...
Regards,
-jjg
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Tim Ellis
V.I.P.
Melbourne, Australia
1195 Posts
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Posted: Mar 10, 2006 10:57pm
I don't think there are ANY impolite phrases in Australia... 
www.MagicUnlimited.com
www.timellismagic.com
Visit our online shop for instant downloads and ebooks
http://www.australianmagician.com/store
Blog - www.magicunlimited.typepad.com
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IT Magic
Regular user
Australia
113 Posts
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Posted: Mar 10, 2006 11:11pm
OOOhhhhh, now I'm all depressed, that was such a disappointment!!!! I loved that story.
Oh well, no time to spend worrying about it I guess, anyway I gotta get back out to my workshop, I'm nearly finished building my perpetual motion machine, I got the plans online, after that I'll make a water powered car then a Tesla power antenna.
jjg you have ruined my day
Magic, Illusion and Data Management
www.stardockmagi.blogspot.com
I picture a world of love and peace, a world without war where people live together in harmony.
I also picture us attacking that world 'cause they just wouldn't expect it
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Silly Walter the Polar Bear
Special user
506 Posts
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Posted: Mar 11, 2006 10:38am
Fosters = Australian for Beer
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Michael J. Douglas
Grammar Host
WV, USA
1650 Posts
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Posted: Mar 11, 2006 5:27pm
"Fosters" I'd had forgotten those commercials! ROTFL!! 
Michael J.
“Believe then, if you please, that I can do strange things.” --from Shakespeare’s ‘As You Like It’
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Sue-Anne Webster
V.I.P.
Melbourne, Australia
97 Posts
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Posted: Mar 12, 2006 12:51am
"A man who drinks too much likes to be in the grip of the grape, bend the elbow, down a few, drink like it's going out of fashion, give it a nudge, guzzle, hit the slops. indulge, **** on or sink a few. As a consequence of being on the bottle, grog, ****, shicker, slops or turps, he may be described as an alkie, barfly, booze artist, lush, ****-head, ****-pot, plonko, soak, souse, sponge, wino or write-off".
You can see why Aussies don't take warnings about drinking too much too seriously. They think it's too funny to stop.
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Sue-Anne Webster
V.I.P.
Melbourne, Australia
97 Posts
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Posted: Mar 12, 2006 12:53am
I love the censoring 
The missing word is "pi - s - s"
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