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flobiwan
Regular user
168 Posts
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Posted: Oct 4, 2004 11:34am
I thought you guys might like some of these lines I use. And no, I'm not ashamed to admit it!
Two TV antennas got married last weekend. The wedding wasn't bad but the reception was beautiful!
One atom says to another, "I lost an electron yesterday"
The other one says, "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive"
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The Donster
Inner circle
4813 Posts
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Posted: Oct 4, 2004 1:58pm
What goes up but never comes down? Your Age
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Mike Wild
Inner circle
NY, PA, TX, MA, FL, NC
1292 Posts
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Posted: Oct 4, 2004 2:57pm
How about, "Can anyone tell me... what's a Grecian Urn?"... "About $2.50 an hour I've been told...". Context is a coins to glass or cup routine. Glass or cup is shaped like an urn.
... Wha, wha, wha, whaaaaa.
Horrible joke, but always strikes a familiar chord with some people and gets a chuckle.
Best,
Mike
<><>< SunDragon Magic ><><>
"Question Reality... Create Illusion"
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The Donster
Inner circle
4813 Posts
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Posted: Oct 4, 2004 3:04pm
Ok, anyone know what a "buck an ear" is? Too much to pay for corn. Also, how do you make a Venitian blind? You poke him in the eye.
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Scruffy the Clown
Loyal user
Coldwater,MI
234 Posts
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Posted: Oct 4, 2004 7:35pm
What do you get when you goose a ghost?
A handful of sheet!
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flobiwan
Regular user
168 Posts
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Posted: Oct 4, 2004 9:14pm
What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhinocerous?
Elephino (**** if I know)
What do you call bambi with no eyes?
No eye deer
What do you call Bambi with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
Stop me before I pun again!
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The Donster
Inner circle
4813 Posts
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Posted: Oct 5, 2004 3:40am
Flowbian, oh come on. But heres one... What kind of Cars do Ghosts Drive? A Boo-ick.
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Lee Darrow
V.I.P.
Chicago, IL USA
3594 Posts
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Posted: Oct 5, 2004 4:19am
New weapon for Star Trek Enterprise = a pillow of energy that goes out and disables the electronics on enemy ships. It's called a FUTON Torpedo!
And it's what Scott Bakula gets for padding his part!
Lee Darrow, C.H.
http://www.leedarrow.com
"Because NICE Matters!"
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joseph
Eternal Order
Please ignore my
14391 Posts
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Posted: Oct 6, 2004 2:31pm
If all the vehicles in the country were pink, we would have a pink car-nation......
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
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Bob T.
New user
55 Posts
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Posted: Oct 7, 2004 12:01am
How come the housewife got embarrassed when she looked in the refrigerator? She saw the salad dressing
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sniper1
Veteran user
malta eu
343 Posts
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Posted: Oct 7, 2004 6:30am
Ok, it's my turn.
Whats the difference between pink and purple?
The grip.
How do porcupines make love?
Carefully, really really carefully.
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment right?
Now what is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? Usually its $3.50 per minute.
What is a very successful husband?
One who manages to earn more money than his wife can spend.
What is a very successful wife? The woman who manages to find such a husband.
A woman worries all her life until she marries a man. A man never worries through his life until he marries a woman.
That's all for now. I'll think up some more later.
THE MOST CRAZY MAGICIAN ON THE MALTESE ISLANDS
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mrmysticmike
Veteran user
Cleveland, Ohio
340 Posts
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Posted: Oct 7, 2004 6:00pm
I went to see some Chinese magicians. Two hours later I wanted to see them again. (Heard that and thought it was funny.)
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Harry Kazzam
New user
St Austell, UK
34 Posts
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Posted: Oct 7, 2004 6:45pm
Sorry I can't resist...
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field!
And the magic car?
It turned into a layby!
If it ain't fun, it ain't worth it!
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paulajayne
Inner circle
London England
1155 Posts
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Posted: Oct 7, 2004 10:12pm
Ok Here they come:-
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra..
What do you call a spider with no legs,
a currant
What do Eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?
Polaroids!
What is the best time to go to the Dentist?
Tooth hurty!
Q. What do you call ten dolls standing in a row?
A. A Barbie Queue
What do you call a chicken in a shell-suit?
............an egg!!
Doctor, doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
Doctor: Take a seat I'll deal with you later.
A giraffe and a crocodile are sitting at the bar when a lion walks in.
The lion turns to the barman and says "Pint please mate"
The giraffe says "**** me! A talking Lion!"
Woman laying the bath when there's a knock at the door
"Who's there?"
"It's the blind man"
Woman thinks a blind man can't see me so it's okay.
"Come in"
Man comes in
"Nice ***s love now where do you want the blinds?"
A blonde goes to the doctors
Doctor: I'm pleased to tell you Miss Bimbo that you're pregnant."
Blonde: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Paula
Paula Jay - Magic to Remember -
---------------------------------
I once wrote a book on elephants, I think paper would have been better.
----
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Patrick Differ
Inner circle
far enough south to surprise you
1492 Posts
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Posted: Oct 7, 2004 10:51pm
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
What do you get when you cross a bridge with a car?
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freakshowjim
New user
singapore
53 Posts
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Posted: Oct 8, 2004 2:49am
This can go on forever...think I'll go ask the chicken to cross the road again
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Scruffy the Clown
Loyal user
Coldwater,MI
234 Posts
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Posted: Oct 9, 2004 7:48am
Did you hear about the guy who apoted a legless Dog? He couldn't decide on a name so he called him cigarette because at least twice a day he had to take him out for a drag....
Dyslexic devil worshippers sell their souls to Santa...
What the difference between Broccoli and Boogers?
Kids won't eat broccoli....
Why do husbands generally die before their wives do?
Because they WANT to.
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joseph
Eternal Order
Please ignore my
14391 Posts
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Posted: Oct 9, 2004 8:48am
What has 4 legs and an arm?
A pit bull......
I crossed a pit bull with a St. bernard.....got a dog that mauls you, and then goes for help......
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
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The Donster
Inner circle
4813 Posts
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Posted: Oct 10, 2004 7:07am
Ok, these two guys walk into a bar and the third one Ducks. Also, for Halloween: How does a witch tell time? With a Witch Watch.
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Ollie1235
Special user
England
534 Posts
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Posted: Oct 10, 2004 7:27am
There was a guy named frank and he went to the store to buy a 6-pack of beer. So he bought the beer and went home. After drinking one of the beers the door rang, so he went to answer the door and without any warning a giant bug punched him in the stomach.
The next day he'd just finished a beer and the door rang again and the same bug was there, this time it punched him in the mouth.
The day after that frank did the exact same thing, and the bug yet again kicked him in the leg.
So the next day he went to the doctor's office and told the doctor of the strange goings on. The doctor said, "Theres nothing to worry about, theres just a nasty bug going around."
ollie
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Mike Wild
Inner circle
NY, PA, TX, MA, FL, NC
1292 Posts
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Posted: Oct 10, 2004 7:51am
I know the topic is "corny jokes", but what in the world does drinking the beer have to do with the nasty bug? Maybe I'm slow on the uptake in the early morning hours on Sundays, but what's the connection!? 
Mike
<><>< SunDragon Magic ><><>
"Question Reality... Create Illusion"
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Dave Scribner
Assistant Manager
Lake Hopatcong, NJ
4723 Posts
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Posted: Oct 12, 2004 6:08am
Mike, it's not the beer that's important. It's the nasty bug as in "mean and rotten" vs a nasty bug like the "flu".
No more reading posts before 8 AM for you. 
Where the magic begins
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Mike Wild
Inner circle
NY, PA, TX, MA, FL, NC
1292 Posts
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Posted: Oct 13, 2004 6:29am
It's early again so I probably shouldn't be checking posts... but I still don't see the connection. That joke must be a personal mental blindspot 
Mike
<><>< SunDragon Magic ><><>
"Question Reality... Create Illusion"
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jrbobik
Regular user
Philadelphia
102 Posts
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Posted: Oct 13, 2004 9:01am
Ok,
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left him!
"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted"
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Eric Falconer
Veteran user
Houston
372 Posts
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Posted: Oct 13, 2004 11:26pm
For restaurant workers:
I hear that this fine restaurant now offers a 'Double wide' Salad.... It's for those who can't afford the 'House' Salad...
So do you beleive in magic? Yes I do.
Do you beleive in ESP? uhmm yeah I guess so.
Tell me do you beleive in ESPN too?
Eric Falconer
Houston TX
Eric Falconer
Houston TX
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Phil Thomas
Inner circle
Newark, Ohio
1117 Posts
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Posted: Oct 14, 2004 12:24am
Goodie! It's my turn! What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him. He ain't commin' to ya!
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a buck fifty. Deer nuts are under a buck.
Doc! You gotta help me, I feel like a belt! He told me that's going around!
Doc! You gotta help me, I feel like a trampoline. He said "You do seem a little jumpy".
Doc! You gotta help me, I feel like a pencil. He said "Write". get it? right?
What do ghosts chew on? Booble gum!
An old man goes to the doctor. The doctor says, I'm sorry but you have only 6 months to live. The old man says, that's horrible, I can't get my bill paid off by then. The doctor said, okay, you have another 6 months.
What do you get when cross a bull dog with a shi tzu?
bull s#$&
What do you get when you cross a labradoor with a telephone? A golden reciever!
Okay, okay. I'm done............... for now!!!!! 
"If we lose the sense of the mysterious, life is no more than a snuffed out candle."
Albert Einstein
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Caleb Wiles
.jpg)
Inner circle
Indianapolis, IN
1118 Posts
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Posted: Oct 14, 2004 3:35pm
Can you guys hear me alright in the back?........ That's a funny place to have ears.
A blonde called Pizza Hut to order a pizza. The guy on the phone asked her if she would like the pizza cut into 8 slices or 12. "Better make it 8," she answered. "I could never eat 12."
Caleb
Check out my debut DVD!
Sign up for my newsletter to receive a FREE TRICK!
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Phil Thomas
Inner circle
Newark, Ohio
1117 Posts
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Posted: Oct 20, 2004 8:53pm
An old man and an old woman go to the doctor. They tell the doctor that they are having trouble remembering things. The doctor told them that the best thing to do is to write everything down on a little notepad that they wish to remember.
Later that evening the elderly couple is sitting at home watching TV. The old lady says that she would like some ice cream and asks her husband to get her some. "You better write it down Fred, you'll forget". "I can remember that" said the old man. "You want a bowl of ice cream". "Yes" said the old lady, "but I want whipped cream on it too. You better write that down. I know you'll forget that". "That's easy to remember" said Fred, "You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream".
"Yes" said the old lady, "but I also want strawberries on it too. Fred, write that down. You'll forget it for sure". "Darn it Ellen!" Shouted Fred. "I don't have to write that down. I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and strawberries. I'll be back in a minute!"
Several minutes pass by and Fred walks back into the room carrying a plate of bacon and eggs. Ellen looks at him and said "You forgot my toast!"
Phil
"If we lose the sense of the mysterious, life is no more than a snuffed out candle."
Albert Einstein
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The Donster
Inner circle
4813 Posts
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Posted: Oct 23, 2004 3:42pm
How about Drink WET CEMENT and get Stoned
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BIlly James
Special user
991 Posts
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Posted: Oct 23, 2004 6:01pm
Quote:
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On 2004-10-14 00:24, Phil Thomas wrote:
What do you get when cross a bull dog with a shi tzu?
bull s#$&
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I thought a shi tzu was a zoo without any animals.
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