What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes....

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the
Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife
went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and
landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave
once!"

How can you tell a level headed cowboy?
He's got tobacco juice dripping out of both sides of his mouth.....

A blonde named Vikki decides she wants to try horseback
riding one day. So Vikki mounts the horse, taps its butt,
and the horse starts to take off at a reasonable speed. She
is having fun, and decides she wants to go a little faster,
so she kicks the horses butt, and the horse goes just a
little faster. All of a sudden Vikki begins to lose her
grip on the reigns of the horse and she begins to fall off,
she starts screaming hystericlly at the top of her lungs, but the horse seemingly unoticing its
rider continues... Now Vikki is grabbing on the the horses
mane when she beigns to feel tired and her grip starts to
fail.

She looks to the side and crowds of people have gathered to point and stare at her helplessly but to her dismay they don't lift a finger.

She is getting weak..weak...weaker. Her strangth is now drained. She is sure she is going to die, but the blond lets go of the horses mane, only to get her
foot caught in the saddle. So now she is riding along, the
horse unnoticing and Vikki's head is beating against the
ground over, and over, and over. She almost loses
conscience when the Wal-Mart manager runs out and turns off
the horse.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride wearing white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

These days you know you're getting old when half the stuff in your shopping cart says, "For fast relief." ...

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, " I'm a multi-millionaire, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world, and I just married a beautiful blonde who satisfies my every need from sunrise to sunset! (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have never even dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake...
Know how to prevent sagging? Eat till the wrinkles fill out....

A guy was pulled over by a cop.
The cop says to the guy "Your eyes are bloodshot...
have you been drinking?" The guy says to the cop
"Oh yeah? well your eyes are glazed have you been eating donuts?"

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons? ....

Hey came home last night and the wife says...........i wanna go out take me to somplace expensive........... so I took her to the GAS STATION.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?

A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost. ...

10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer

* 10. The monitor is up on blocks.
* 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
* 8. The six front keys have rotted out.
* 7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
* 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
* 5. The password is "Bubba".
* 4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
* 3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
* 2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...

* 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter"

What did the fanbelt say to the battery? "Wanna start something?"

Posted: Sep 25, 2005 11:15am
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If . . .

* . . . you use your lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer.
* . . . you say "these are not the beers you are looking for."
* . . . that "disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans.
* . . . the inside of your house looks more like Dagobah than the outside.
* . . . you call your young apprentice, "Juner.(JR.)"
* . . . you have ever used telekinesis to pull your jeans up.
* . . . the Force isn't the only thing that runs in your family.
* . . . you call Hank Williams Jr. "master".
* . . . your landspeeder has a gun rack.
* . . . you meditate to old CCR records.
* . . . you call Yoda your Li'l green buddy.
* . . . you have ever said, "Anger...Fear...Aggression...Yankees...the dark side are they."
* . . . your X-Wing has a still in it.
* . . . your lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base.
* . . . there is more oil in your robes than in your astromech droid.
* . . . your robes have the Golden Flour label on them.
* . . . you trim your beard and find a Mylock.
* . . . you have ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill.
* . . . you use Jawas for a drink holders.
* . . . you fight with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other.
* . . . you use a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck.
* . . . you use your Jedi healing powers to clear up your V.D.
* . . . you think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.
* . . . you ever lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
* . . . your Jedi robe is camouflage colored.
* . . . at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
* . . . you can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* . . . you can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
* . . . you think Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
* . . . you have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing / bowling.
* . . . your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
* . . . you have ever had your R2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light.
* . . . you jump-start your lightsaber off a car battery.
* . . . you beat the Gammorean Guard in an "ugly" contest.
* . . . your father's name is Garth Vader.
* . . . you got your lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids.
* . . . you have ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin' at your sister.
* . . . you constantly mistake R2 units for beer kegs.
* . . . you count B.O. as a Jedi power.
* . . . you have ever used a lightsaber to skin a deer.

* . . . you have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
* . . . you think the best use of your light saber is cleaning your teeth.
* . . . at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
* . . . there is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
* . . . you have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
* . . . a peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
* . . . you can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE FORCE.
* . . . your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"
* . . . you have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
* . . . the worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
* . . . wookies are offended by your B.O.
* . . . you have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
* . . . you have ever used the force in conjunction with bowling or a spitting contest.
* . . . you have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
* . . . you have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingie to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
* . . . you wore burlap even before you started your Jedi training.
* . . . your favorite meals on Dagoba incorporate native snakes.
* . . . you have fuzzy dice hanging in the cockpit of your X-Wing.
* . . . you've asked an Ewok to help you go coon hunting.
* . . . you've ever looked at your sister, thought she was one hot babe, and kissed her.
* . . . you have the words "Foxy Lady" or a playboy bunny painted on your land speeder.
* . . . you bought hanging air fresheners for your friend's X-Wing at Christmas time.
* . . . you use the "O" on stop signs to sight in your new blaster.
* . . . you wished that Admiral Ackbar was swimming in the pond on your farm back home.
* . . . you call the Emporer "That old ugly dude in the house coat."
* . . . your favorite bar caters primarily to smugglers and bounty hunters.
* . . . you think that Jabba the Hutt really knows how to pick up good looking chicks.
* . . . you've got a stuffed womp rat from Begger's Canyon on your mantle.
* . . . your initiation into the Rebellion required parallel parking the Millenium Falcon.
* . . . you've ever given someone a wedgie by using the force.
* . . . you're flying a ship that has no original parts.
* . . . parts of a TIE fighter you blew up hang as a trophy in your living room.
* . . . your blind date was arranged through an invitation written on a cantina napkin.
* . . . people mistake your house for a jawa used droids and speeder parts dealership.
* . . . the cake at your wedding was sliced with a light saber.
* . . . you own a pink flamingo with blaster holes in it.
* . . . you inherited a styrofoam cooler and a tackle box with your light saber.
* . . . you didn't read the whole Jedi manual because there were no pictures.
* . . . you've used a storm trooper helmet as a spitoon.
* . . . you've moved from planet to planet to avoid Imperial storm troopers.
* . . . your beer belly puts Jabba the Hutt to shame.
* . . . the smell of ham or bacon reminds you of Jabba's Gamorean guards.
* . . . your best practical joke was sticking a banana in Boba Fett's tail pipe.
* . . . you have ever used baling wire and/or duct tape to make repairs on your landspeeder.
* . . . you feel that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

* . . . you ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
* . . . you have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* . . . you have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
* . . . you have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
* . . . you ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
* . . . you have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
* . . . although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
* . . . you have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
* . . . you suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
* . . . you were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
* . . . you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle!"

* . . . you actually enjoyed seeing the Princess Naboo get kicked off her throne and let a man rule the world.
* . . . you put your lightsaber down your pants and brag about your big *****.
* . . . you've ever taken a telephone pole down to test a lightsaber.
* . . . you've ever used a lightsaber to save yourself from a hellashus impact.
* . . . your priest carries a lightsaber in his boot for emergencies.
* . . . you've ever tested your lightsaber on your little brother "tell me if this hurts".
* . . . you were buried with your lightsabor.
* . . . you have ever gone deer huntin' with a lightsaber.
* . . . you have a gun cabinet just for lightsabers.
* . . . when storm kills power yer lightsaber illuminates your house until you gouge Bubba's eye out.
* . . . you brand cattle with a lightsaber.
* . . . your lightsaber came with a "money back guarantee".
* . . . your lightsaber is equiped with a "kick start".
* . . . your father finally agrees to take you deer hunting and he hands you a lightsaber and says, "May the force be with you."
* . . . you use your lightsabor as a flare and you hear Ma say from the back porch, "Billy Bob, you get your **** in here rite now you're gunna put Bubba's other eye out!".
* . . . your lightsaber is the best lawnmower blade you've ever had.
* . . . you use your lightsabor to open the door on your chevy pickup.
* . . . you wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.
* . . . a Wookie told you to shave.
* . . . your plan to destroy the Death Star included two M-80s and a half gallon of granny's moon shine.
* . . . you use your lightsabor as a bug zapper.
* . . . you think the Death Star is in the outhouse.
* . . . you have fish innards all over your light sabor.
* . . . at least one section of your X-Wing is bondo colored.
* . . . you can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken.
* . . . the moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?


Posted: Sep 25, 2005 4:07pm
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

Posted: Sep 25, 2005 4:11pm
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,"Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid,Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

**********************************************************************

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.

Posted: Sep 25, 2005 4:17pm
Fifteen things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time shopping.

1. Get 24 boxes of himroids relif and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares...... and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
( And; last, but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Pizzazz, "If at first you don't succeed, then maybe you shouldn't try skydiving."

The whole Walmart thing was funny, but for some reason number thirteen cracked me up.

Hey Pizzazz, do yu write comedy for a living? These are great! I still hurt from laughing.

Pizzazz
Thanks for the fresh material.
Al

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to fix some drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Oh, well, er...I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.


Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme!

Posted: Sep 25, 2005 11:10pm
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to *********."

Posted: Sep 26, 2005 6:52am
Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife, "Maude, when I'm dead and gone... I want you to marry farmer Jones."
"Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you!" Maude replies.
"But I want you to, Maude."
"But why?" Maude asks.
"Because that no good (blankety blank) once cheated me in a horse trade!"

Q. How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention. ....

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field

Posted: Sep 26, 2005 9:04am
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? For being outstanding in his field