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soccergod New user 72 Posts |
This thread is getting smaller...haha I'm magic
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joseph Eternal Order Please ignore my 17407 Posts |
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank? Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
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flobiwan Regular user 165 Posts |
I was in Atlantic City recently and a bum came up to me and said, "Can you spare a few bucks for some food. I haven't eaten in days". I said, "how do I know that if I give you money, you're not going to just gamble it away in one of the casinos?." The bum replied, "Oh, I got gambling money".
The hotel I was staying in wasn't the nicest. I called the front desk and said, "I got a leak in my sink". The man replied, "go ahead". Fredd |
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saranacbo New user 74 Posts |
An old guy's in bed in his hotel room, when there's a knock on the door. He says com in and this gorgeous women enters the room. "Oh, I'm sorry," she says, "I must have the wrong room." "No," says the old guy. "You've got the right room...you're just twenty years late."
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Zamboni New user Australia 59 Posts |
How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?
Pull down their genes. |
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ed rhodes Inner circle Rhode Island 2885 Posts |
Quote:
On 2005-12-31 10:45, joseph wrote: BUM: C'n I have $25 for a cup of coffee? MAN: Coffee's $1.50! BUM: Yeah, but I'm a big tipper! Posted: Jan 10, 2006 9:10am Here's a line for a specific trick. You know "Things That Go Bump In The Night"? When the magician shows up under the third cover, he usually goes to the box he vanished from and opens it to reveal a surprise. As you get to the box, hesitate for a second, look out at the audience and say; "I'd better not, I just might be in there!" THEN reveal the surprise!
"...and if you're too afraid of goin' astray, you won't go anywhere." - Granny Weatherwax
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daffydoug Eternal Order Look mom! I've got 14077 Posts |
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor. "Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars." "It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot. "For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it." "Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that very saucer right there, so far this week I've sold 34 cats!!!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
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joseph Eternal Order Please ignore my 17407 Posts |
I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources. (magicians?) Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
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daffydoug Eternal Order Look mom! I've got 14077 Posts |
On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"
"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?" "Just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!" "That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl. "Just a lucky guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied. The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
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joseph Eternal Order Please ignore my 17407 Posts |
Sign on a shop: We can repair anything! (Knock hard, bell broken)
Have you heard that the priests can kiss the nuns now? It's true, just as long as they don't get in the habit. How do you know if you've been on a roll? There's butter on the back of your pants! Two grains of sand are in a desert. One turns to the other and says, "Crowded here, isn't it?" ...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
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daffydoug Eternal Order Look mom! I've got 14077 Posts |
George was a bad loser. When he was cleaned out in a poker game for very high stakes, he slapped his hand on the table and got up to leave. As he walked past, he couldn't resist insulting Max McTavish, the bald man who had cleaned him out.
As George walked past, he ran a hand over Max's bald head and said sarcastically, "Your head feels just like my wife's arse." Max put a hand to his head and said, "By crikey, mate. You're right. It does!" Posted: Jan 11, 2006 5:23pm A red head, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender asks the redhead what she would like. She says, "I'll have a A.L." The bartender looks lost, and so the redhead says, "Daaaaa, an Amstel Lite!" Next, the bartender asks the brunette what she would like. The brunette says, "I'll have a B.L." With this, the bartender gets a grin on his face and says, "A Bud Lite,right?" The brunette says, "Daaaaa, a Becks lite!" Feeling really dumb, he asks the blonde what she would like to drink. The blonde says, "I'll have a 15." The bartender says to himself, "A 15, a 15, a 15?" The Blonde says, "daaaaa, a 7 and 7!" Posted: Jan 11, 2006 5:26pm At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover Morris." Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here already?"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
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pkg Inner circle The City of Ithobaal I son of Hiram I 1356 Posts |
Woman at the cashier : please can you check me out fast I m in a hurry!
guy looks at her from head to toes and goes : nice t**s :P
Double posters should be shot!
No really!! |
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bmworldtour New user 62 Posts |
Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?
Feel the World Volume 1 Side One 1. Reach out and TOUCH Someone 2. Hey, there, Predator 3. Touch Me Once, Touch Me Twice, Touch Me Once Again 4. Feelings 5. He TOUCHED Me |
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daffydoug Eternal Order Look mom! I've got 14077 Posts |
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. "Loosen up, sweetie", says Grandma. "If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets!" Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her *****, saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from." Johnny went to school the next day smiling, insisting that all his friends refer to him as "Lucky Johnny." "Why?" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
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joseph Eternal Order Please ignore my 17407 Posts |
I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no. The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
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johnwolfe New user gettysburg, PA 48 Posts |
A blind man walks into the 7-11 with his seeing eye dog. He walks to the middle of the store, grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging the dog around his head in a circle. The dog is howling like crazy at this point.
The manager runs over and asks, "What are you doing?" The blind man answers, "I'm just looking around." A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I think I'm shrinking." The doctor answers, "You'll just have to be a little patient." |
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joseph Eternal Order Please ignore my 17407 Posts |
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
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daffydoug Eternal Order Look mom! I've got 14077 Posts |
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.
But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system." "Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls." "The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood." "They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croations I'm supposed to hire." "The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!" Posted: Jan 16, 2006 10:25am In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning?" Posted: Jan 16, 2006 8:57pm Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
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joseph Eternal Order Please ignore my 17407 Posts |
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career. Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks. Gun Control: Use both hands.....
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
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daffydoug Eternal Order Look mom! I've got 14077 Posts |
A woman goes to her doctor and says that she wants an operation because her v****** lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret, as she is embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says. "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" asked the woman. "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
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