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Energizer
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Man goes into a chinese restaurant and asks for Aromatic duck

From the kitchen comes a duck dressed in silk pyjamas and a quilted dressing gown, with a bottle of champagne under one wing, a box of chocolates under the other and a rose held in his bill.

The man calls the waiter and says "No ... I asked for Aromatic duck ...."

Hope that one quacks you up!




Actually, I went to a restaurant the other day. Unfortunately soup was spilled all over my lap.

I had to complain "Waiter, there's soup in my fly"

Honest!
"We judge a book by its cover and read what we want between selected lines" - W. Axl Rose, circa 1992.
joseph
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Two drunks were walking home along the railroad tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a heck of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "And what's worse, this hand rail is way too low."...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
bigdaddymagic
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My dad was a workalcoholic, because every time
some one would say work, he would start drinking.
Thanks'

Donny
Bill Ligon
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A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Do you serve ducks in here?"

The bartender replies, "Sure, why not?

The guy says, "Ok, give me a martini and a duck for my alligator."
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Bill Ligon
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A mentalist, a kid show magician, and an escape artist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Get out!"
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joseph
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If you have serious talks with your bike, are you a cycle-analyst?...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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Kid, doing homework: "Dad, what is the square root of twenty five?"

Dad: "I don't know; I was never very good at math."

A little later the kid says, "Dad, when did Columbus discover the New World?"

The father says, "I dunno; I never did like history."

The kid says, "Dad... Oh, never mind."

The father says, "Go ahead and ask questions, son, How else are you going to learn?"
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Bill Ligon
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There are three kinds of people in the world: (a) those who can count, and (b) those who can't.
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Bill Ligon
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Q: What did the woman who was sawed-in-half in the late
afternoon say to the magician?

A: Can you join me for dinner?
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joseph
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I'd cross the hottest desert,
I'd swim the deepest sea,
I'd climb the highest mountain,
But I can't come over tonight because it's raining...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer,"

The ostrich says "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man.

"Same for me" says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
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Bill Ligon
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A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You
are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to
know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party,
or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology
class."
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Bill Ligon
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Patient: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

Doctor: You should diet.

Patient: Really? What color?
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joseph
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If we are not supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?..
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.

"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor
says.

"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.

"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."
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joseph
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Where do generals keep their armies?

In their sleevies...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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A mime walks into a bar, walks up to the bar and says to the bartender, "........."
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joseph
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Why did the mime cross the road?..
It was the only direction he could go, after he escaped from that dang box...
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." (Einstein)...
Bill Ligon
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Please disregard the following message.
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Bill Ligon
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Please disregard the previous message.
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