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Topic: Deeply Depressed
Message: Posted by: Bill Nuvo (Jun 19, 2006 10:15AM)
Well, on Father's day I got some very upsetting news. My wife told me that our marriage of 5 years was over. She said her feelings had changed for me. Needless to say, this came as quite a shock to me since I love her very much and as such I have devoted most of my life to her. She was my inspiration for succeeding.

This is also very hard for me since I don't really have a good relationship with my own family and moved a bit away too. So I am feeling kinda lonely right now. I have been running through a lot of emotions (sadness, anger, understanding and then back to sadness...).

I am going to have to move again and build up some of my business again which is a scary thing for me.

Anyways...thanks for listening

Bill
Message: Posted by: The Drake (Jun 19, 2006 10:54AM)
Beeeeeennnnnnnnn There Done That.

Bill,

This won't be much comfort now but you're lucky that she told you and wants to do things proper. I came home to an emptied house years ago.... but that's another story.

You'll bounce back ( you did before ) so keep focused on that for strength.

Hang in there,

Tim
Message: Posted by: Bill Nuvo (Jun 19, 2006 11:09AM)
Yes, she is doing it very nicely. I am not being kicked out right away (I have 3 months). We are going to sell the house. She doesn't want to take care of a house all by herself.

It could be a lot worse.

Considering you know my past Tim, what you said really means a lot.

Thanks
Bill
Message: Posted by: airship (Jun 19, 2006 11:20AM)
God bless you, Bill. My wife of 29 years left me for another man five years ago, and it nearly broke me in two, so I know where you're at. As you know, the only real healer for wounds of the heart is the same as for wounds of the body - time. Give yourself time, know that the gray skies will go away and the sunshine will come back into your life. And, as hard as it seems to grasp right now, sometimes sudden change like this can be the best thing that ever happened to you. Just hang onto hope. Good luck!
Message: Posted by: leapinglizards (Jun 19, 2006 11:37AM)
Bill,

Our thoughts are with you!

In the meanwhile, remember there WERE good things that came from the relationship- and there will be more good times in your future!

Be well, and be blessed in our thoughts!

Dean
Message: Posted by: Margarette (Jun 19, 2006 11:56AM)
Hey Bill,
Things will get better, but it will take time. As I tell all my friends who go through break-ups, with a physical death, there are stages to grief. The death of a relationship is no different. You must allow yourself the chance to grieve the death of the relationship.
Regarding the house, check the laws in your area. In the area where my first divorce occurred, if either party moves out (before any court documents and such), they can be considered to have "abandoned" the party remaining in the house. So, if you move out, she could claim you abandoned her (which would give her leverage in court). Now, this is just in my area...it might not be the case where you are, but it wouldn't hurt to find out!

Margarette
Message: Posted by: Bill Nuvo (Jun 19, 2006 12:22PM)
The house really doesn't belong to either of us. So I won't get anything anyhow. It belongs to her grandma who is still alive in a nursing home. So she wouldn't get the inheritance yet. Right now in essence, we rent it from the estate.

Please understand that this is not a nasty type of divorce. It is just a divorce. If it were nasty, I think it would be a lot easier in some ways. It is just a real big shock since she was hiding the fact and didn't tell me she was having any issues. Just a month ago, when I DJed her sister's wedding she said to me "Isn't is amazing how going to a wedding reminds you of how much you love someone?" So you can see how this is a little shocking. In March we went down to Florida for a second honeymoon. It was a great time. She told me last night that she was hoping that the trip would help things. She did apologize for not telling me about her issues. I just wish we could have worked things out. I mean that's what you're supposed to do in a marriage, right? She told me that it is too much work for the relationship and that she is tired. Once again, I just don't understand.
Message: Posted by: The Drake (Jun 19, 2006 12:50PM)
Bill,

I never could figure " the other side " out either. When I confronted my ex years ago and asked her if she wanted out she denied it. I told her we'd split everything down the middle and make it nice and easy. She burst into huge aligator tears at my offer and said " You don't love me!" . This got to me and I took that as a positve sign. Two weeks later she was gone and I found out that she had purchased a house a month before and also cleaned out the bank accounts. Those aligator tears were some act I tell you. I later found out she'd be doing my business partner for a year! Yikes!

I got a dog and was much happier!

Your wife is at least being up front and that's a good thing.

In case you need a smile... check out the latest addition to my dog formula for happiness. His name is Basil.

Best,

Tim
Message: Posted by: Bill Nuvo (Jun 19, 2006 06:51PM)
Thanks all. I am really blessed by the fact that she is being upfront and nice about it. Had a few uncontrollable outbursts of crying today. I must admit that she does have some valid reasons for wanting out of the relationship. We have talked some more. We are two different people and often brought out the worst in each other at times.

Still this is a really hard thing. I am just glad that she will actually help me along too.

Unfortunately Tim, I am alergic to dogs and cats and some other pets. I have my children to give me unconditional love though! I am actually going to Niagara Falls with my first two. I am taking them to Cirque Niagara. I am planning on staying over. Maybe I'll try and catch Greg's show.
Message: Posted by: The Drake (Jun 19, 2006 08:37PM)
Hi Bill,

Those crying bursts suck but it's par for the course. You have an advantage over the last time this happened as you know from experience that things WILL get better and you have some neato kids to focus your attention on.

How old are the first two?

Best,

Tim
Message: Posted by: Jonathan Townsend (Jun 19, 2006 08:55PM)
I am glad you are going to be away from someone with such issues.

Ouch!

I hope your future brings you more stability and happiness.
Message: Posted by: hugmagic (Jun 20, 2006 06:54AM)
Bill,
Hang in there. I've been through it also. I can honestly say had it not been for magic I mgiht not be here. Besides my very good friends in magic that leant me a houlder and a kick in the ass when I needed it, the magic kept me going.

My ex wife ran off with a subcontractor in magic and tried to steal my business. It took Ten years, two counties, three judges and tons of money but I got through and got custody of my son.

I am so glad that it is all behind now. You will make it through and be better for it.

Richard
Message: Posted by: Bill Nuvo (Jun 20, 2006 07:24AM)
Tim, My first two with Deb are 8 and 9. My youngest with my wife is 2. I am really going to miss seeing him all the time. Although I will have joint custody and open access, I still won't see him in bed every night, just some nights. That is the really hard part.

I was more or less a house husband (unless I was performing at a gig). My wife worked 40 hours a week at a theatre. Often she would be upset that I only had to work (perform) a couple of hours a week to make the same as she was. She often told me it wasn't fair. I don't know if that separated us a bit too.
Message: Posted by: leapinglizards (Jun 20, 2006 08:13AM)
Timothy, that is ONE CUTE DOG!
Message: Posted by: The Drake (Jun 20, 2006 08:44AM)
8 and 9 ???? Now I'm feeling old! LOL

We never did get together for that coffee that we've talked about for the last year and the invite still stands. If you want to yak magic just give me a shout. Too bad you missed Ryans show when Daniel and I went. You would have been most welcome. Daniel talked a lot about you. ( Glad to hear you made parole....LOL just kidding )

Leaping Lizards... thanks for the comment on Basil. He's a cutie alright. I'm a bachelor and don't have kids so he's it.

Best,

Tim
Message: Posted by: Margarette (Jun 20, 2006 09:58AM)
Bill, I'm glad things are going to be amicable in the divorce. The only thing a nasty divorce does is make lawyers richer. Just keep your chin up and know that you will look back at this and see how this experience has made you a stronger person.

Margarette
Message: Posted by: Bill Nuvo (Jun 20, 2006 10:29AM)
Daniel is a great guy. He has a bright future in this business. He is learning a lot. Did he tell you about my youngest son Braeden, how he stole the show he was doing? Braeden ran out in front of the curtain and started dancing to the music, and Daniel played along and danced with him. That was a real magic moment that is right now bringing a smile to my face. Maybe sometime in July, we'll get together Tim.

Jonathan, thanks for the sentiment. We do both have issues. I don't feel right in bashing her in any way. I am trying to only tell the facts. She has never dealt with her demons, as it were. I suggested many times seeing someone that could help. She never did.

I had anger management issues (and still do) but I went and took courses and sought help before it escalated into something else. These issues of course are not solved in a couple of weeks, but can take a lifetime to iron out completely. My anger came from my childhood, but I have confronted my demons and am glad to say that I am in more control of them.

My wife also has demons from her childhood, which she has never dealt with. So betweeen our two "baggaged" past we brought together, it was a recipe for problems. I just hope that she will seek some help with her problems. It has made her into a very stressed individual.

Thanks to everyone with your kind thoughts.
Message: Posted by: APC (Jun 21, 2006 11:25PM)
Now I have not gone through this, as I am only 15, but I have been through a fair share of issues, for example a death in the family (my grandfather who I was close to), which in fact is very similar to divorce in the fact that you are seperating from someone you love. Of course you will not just stop loving someone in a day, or most likely you will love them deep down forever, however as time goes on you will dwell on it less and less. Just live life day by day, and just focus on about one thing at a time. Im sorry to hear about your divorce but I know you can get through it!
Adam
Message: Posted by: Jonathan Townsend (Jun 22, 2006 01:20PM)
We all have demons and baggage.

How to set our demons to useful tasks
and put our baggage where it provids stabiltiy instead of imbalance
is a challenge each of us faces.
Message: Posted by: Daveandrews (Jun 22, 2006 07:58PM)
Baskitboy5 - you should be commended for those comments. Stay like that the rest of your life and you will not go far wrong.

Mrbilld .... it is great to see the support you are getting here. Real friends are an asset that nothing can buy. In that way you are one lucky guy.

Best of,

Dave
Message: Posted by: Bill Nuvo (Jun 22, 2006 09:26PM)
Dave, I couldn't agree more. Since I am a pretty secluded guy really, (I enjoy a lot of time by myself) I am deeply touched by the support that I have recieved here. I had felt lonely but now realize I have a larger support system than I thought.

Today has been my best day since the news. I have come to terms that it is happening and am using this situation as some of my inspiration to succeed. I want to show myself I can do this without my wife. At the very least I don't have to pass any purchases of magic by her first! My sense of humour has definately helped over the last few days.
Message: Posted by: airship (Jun 23, 2006 12:17PM)
I put my wife on a pedestal and made her the center of my life. It was only after I dealt with her leaving that I realized how much I had given up by doing that. It wasn't healthy for me, and I now realize it wasn't healthy for her, either.

Now I enjoy the time I have to pursue my own interests and hobbies, magic included. I'm finally losing weight and looking after my health. I have my own small group of close friends, instead of just hers. I enjoy the company of several wonderful women (as friends) instead of just her. And I never anticipated what a joy it could be to just sit and watch TV in my recliner in my underwear. :)
Message: Posted by: CasualSoul (Jun 27, 2006 04:47PM)
I've been there too. It's a rough transition man. I feel for you. I had kids 7 and 4 when I went through it 6 years ago. I'm a successful investment banker and entrepreneur and my wife left me for a mattress salesman almost old enough to be her dad. :lol: Totally humiliating :) The best pieces of advice I can give is:

#1 Don't take all the blame; it takes two people to make a marriage work and it likely took both of you to screw it up.

#2 Get out with your friends and/or find new single friends. Making new friends is what got me though it.

#3 Be careful to keep an on-going, detailed written log of everything you do with your children (she may seem very amicable now, but this can change as you go through the process).

#4 Joint custody does not necessarily mean shared residence. Although joint custody will give you the power to prevent them from moving away, changing schools, etc., it will not give you any real power over how often you get to see them. If she ends up as the primary caregiver, your child support will be higher and she will have control over your visitation schedule. Although having a single residence does work for many families that go through this, it can be devastating to a parent that has always been very involved with their childrens' upbringing. You sound like you are a very involved father and if you don't want to be relegated to only seeing your children every second weekend, you need to establish a schedule where the children are at one parent's residence no more than roughly 60% of the time. Your lawyer will confirm this, but there is a sweeping philosophy among Canadian lawyers that shared residence arrangements do not work. If you decide you do want a shared residence arrangement for your children, and your lawyer is discouraging you, find a new lawyer.

I hope my words were of some value.

I don't know where you are in Ontario, but I have an office in Toronto and I get out there about 3-4 times a year. I always enjoy meeting fellow magi, so if you'd like to meet for a beer sometime when I'm in town, just PM me.

Hang in there bro, it does get better.

Arthur
Message: Posted by: RandyStewart (Jul 2, 2006 05:29PM)
I'm a little late but still very sory you are faced with this Bill.

Mother Teresa never married in the traditional sense but said:

"We, the unwilling,led by the unknowing,are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much,for so long,with so little,we are now qualified to do anything with nothing."

In her book "No Greater Love" she says you can apply the words to any situation where one continues to offer Love where the other(s) have abandoned.

Also note that to abandon the graceful state of offering Love gains you membership among those who's hearts have grown cold and wretchid.

You were designed to continue growing and loving despite the news on Father's Day and you will.
Message: Posted by: Dr. Solar (Jul 4, 2006 12:36AM)
Hi Bill,

A little late here but not really. My wife of 5 years split in Oct, '01. I was fortunate to have seen and heard Ray Charles before he died.He preluded a song with how he got up every day with thoughts of the loved one and went to bed the same. He sang that, until the day that he longed for, that he would awake with clear thoughts about other things, there would be no choice but to say..." I can't stop loving you..It's clearly to say, so I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday..." I'd say that finally days do go by without thoughts of my ex in this past year. At least I'm down to every other day or so, but it is much easier to snap out of it with the realization that it was a sick relationship.Her on the take and me willing to give too much of myself.

As airship stated about giving up too much of himself. My show career has picked up much more. I can go to any lecture I can afford though having to pay her a tremendous amount of money for the few short years we were together was criminal. She definately was a gold digger, there are those. She would get mad if I went to help my adult children with a house project since I was a contractor. She felt that any labor I offered for free ate into her monies worth. Like she had to agree to relinquish her half of a suppossed cost of said project.

Sorry you have a child with her. That does compound things quite a bit. She does have tremendous issues that is for sure. Just keep pluggin' into this thread as needed, maybe get a little counseling for help. Hang in there.

Dr. Solar
Message: Posted by: DanielSteep (Jul 7, 2006 12:12PM)
Sorry to hear bill,

And to say you just spent ALOT of money revamping the show now you have to spend more to move:(..

I have a pic of my one assistant and the dog on the way to Ryan Joyces show! I can send it to you tim if you would like it!

incase anyone is wodering Im the Daniel, Tim and Bill are talking about! Even when I read that it brought a smile to my face!
Message: Posted by: Donald Dunphy (Jul 9, 2006 11:28PM)
Bill -

Sorry to hear about your pain.

Some books that have been very helpful to me are by Dr. Willard Harley, titled "His Needs Her Needs", and another book titled "Love Busters". That, combined with a humble heart (I'm always working on losing my pride), an attitude to learn and grow, and a good counselor will be of help to you.

- Donald
Message: Posted by: Chrystal (Jul 14, 2006 02:37AM)
Hi Bill,

I think by the responses so far, you'll realize you're not alone when you are going through this. Take it one day at a time and know we're all here for you.

Chrystal

Tim, I agree you have a cute dog..have two of the same breed.
Message: Posted by: Bill Nuvo (Jul 14, 2006 10:37AM)
Thank-you all again.

It's been a little stressful lately. I have been doing my best to still be supportive and helpful to her, but I have been feeling used. I have also noticed that she is starting to dress in more provocative manner, which is bugging me a bit. I think jealousy is what I am feeling. I think she may be interested in someone else, and the thing that bugs me is that she will not tell me and is lying about it...or course it could all be in my mind. But she had already gone swimming in a lake with "friends" from work whom she has only worked with for 3 weeks, and swimming in her bra and panties. I have also had the phone calls asking for her and then no message when she is not....hmmm? So maybe you can see why I am thinking this way.

She sent me to the law advice clinic to find out about getting a divorce. I told her she can't divorce me until a year after separation and that the paperwork alone for the divorce would cost $500.00 and then there is the lawyer fee. Amazingly she didn't even flinch at the price tage of $1400.00 total to get everything done.

I am very confused
Message: Posted by: DanielSteep (Jul 14, 2006 10:54AM)
I would be too ..

My friends actually told me this after my gf and I broke up (she was using me for my money)

"Never make someone your absolute everything, because when they are gone you have absolutely nothing"
Message: Posted by: CasualSoul (Jul 14, 2006 02:05PM)
[quote]
On 2006-07-14 11:37, mrbilldentertainer wrote:
I told her she can't divorce me until a year after separation and that the paperwork alone for the divorce would cost $500.00 and then there is the lawyer fee. Amazingly she didn't even flinch at the price tage of $1400.00 total to get everything done.

I am very confused
[/quote]


The one year restriction only applies if there hasn't been any instances of adultery. My divorce cost me almost $10,000 in legal fees and disbursements, so if you can get it done to your satisfaction for only $1,400 you should count yourself lucky.
Message: Posted by: Bill Nuvo (Jul 14, 2006 10:45PM)
Well, isn't she going to pay for it? I wasn't the one who wanted the divorce.

So what happens if during the separation her or I end up in another relationship? Does that count as adultery?
Message: Posted by: Chrystal (Jul 15, 2006 12:45AM)
Hi Bill,

Another option would be to get legal advice from the law clinic, write the letter yourself regarding terms of seperation, sale of house, and child custody. Go back to the law clinic and have them look over it. Make an appt with the notary then go in with your wife to have it notorized at the cost of 25 dollars aprox. The document is official as it contains both your signatures and a notorized seal.

Just be sure that you are not forgetting anything as it is legally binding. Pension, spousal support, terms, ect. Child support payments are variable according to your income and are set throught family services in Canada.

Good Luck to you!

Chrystal
Message: Posted by: CasualSoul (Jul 15, 2006 03:36PM)
[quote]
On 2006-07-14 23:45, mrbilldentertainer wrote:
Well, isn't she going to pay for it? I wasn't the one who wanted the divorce.

So what happens if during the separation her or I end up in another relationship? Does that count as adultery?
[/quote]


If she wants the divorce then she'll have to pay a lawyer to draft and file the Statement Of Claim For Divorce. If she claims adultery on herself or you in the document then basically that's all that's required to forgo the one-year restriction.

Where it gets expensive for you is if you disagree with any of the terms specified in her Statement of Claim For Divorce and Division of Matrimonial Property. The whole thing is very similar to a law suit in the way it proceeds. If she files the Statement Of Claim and you do nothing, then you'll become automatically divorced, through a Default Judgement, under the terms she specifies and you won't have any legal costs; unless of course that's something she asks to be reimbursed for in her Statement Of Claim.

Chrystal is basically suggesting you work together in drafting a Consent Divorce Judgement so you don't have to go through the normal back and forth process of Statement Of Claim and Statement of Defence. Her suggestion is a good idea if you both understand the system, your rights, and have complete mutual agreement on the terms. If you are lucky enough to be able to go this route, a lawyer's advice is still crucial in drafting the Judgement as the system will not recognize any provision of your Judgement that does not comply within specific parameters.

Unfortunately, once both parties understand the system it is rare that they can come to mutual agreement without involving lawyers in an adversarial process. Like I said in my original post, she will probably be asking to be the primary caregiver to your child, which will give her almost complete control over your "visitation" schedule. Even if she lets you have the kids half the time, you need to have an official joint caregiver/shared residence clause in your judgement to get any credit for child care costs you incur while your child is living at your home. My battle with my ex to be a joint caregiver to our children is what ran my legal fees so high.
Message: Posted by: Bill Nuvo (Jul 16, 2006 12:28AM)
I am the primary caregiver now. So I can't see that standing up in a court proceeding. But I can see her trying.
Message: Posted by: CasualSoul (Jul 16, 2006 01:26PM)
You do have that going for you then, but the Canadian courts tend to favour the woman, so there is always a risk if it ever has to go before a judge. Most cases never go that far as the legal costs can easily exceed $10,000. I suppose you could try to be proactive and try to discuss these things with her before it gets into the hands of the lawyers, but if you think there still might be a chance for you to get back together I'd consider leaving it in her hands to move things forward. Now that you're separated though, don't forget to keep a detailed, on-going log of the time you spend with your children. This is critical evidence you need if she ever challenges you.
Message: Posted by: airship (Jul 16, 2006 01:40PM)
My wife and I were planning an 'amicible' divorce, and things were going well until her boyfriend convinced her I was out to 's***w her'. Even though I was already planning on letting her have nearly everything. The divorce ended up costing $10,000, and all she got in the end is what I was planning on giving her, anyway.

BTW, I gave her the house (with $15,000 equity) and when she died eighteen months later, she left it to her boyfriend in her new will, even though they weren't married yet. It should have gone to my daughter. :(
Message: Posted by: Bill Nuvo (Jul 16, 2006 02:07PM)
Oh my God Airship! What an awful turn of events. You guys get a divorce and then she dies. That must have been hard on your family (daughter).


Casual Soul, in my previous relationship (not married) when we went our separate ways, I feel I kinda made the mistake of giving her custody. Not that she was a horrible person, but we did have a few problems caused by that. Fortunately we have ironed things out, by me moving 3 hours away, so I really don't see my other two children as much as I would like. She did though take me to court over support issues (I beleive she was egged on by a member of her family). In the courtroom I represented my self (I just had a lawyer to do the paperwork). I actually took on her lawyer and left the lawyer unable to answer any questions much to the annoyance of the judge who ruled in my favour. Basically, I was being accused of making more money than I really was.

But now we are friends, and we talk to each other about things. So all is good.

I just don't really want to go through that type of thing again, so I will definately be taking some of the advice here.
Message: Posted by: CasualSoul (Jul 16, 2006 03:47PM)
That is a really sad story Airship.

Bill, it took a couple years, but I also have a good co-parenting relationship with my ex, which is good for the kids' mental/emotional health and makes life so much easier. That's unfortunate that you don't get to see your kids more. It's a very common situation though.

Men always seem to get the shaft in divorce proceedings.
Message: Posted by: airship (Jul 16, 2006 08:08PM)
Good luck with it all, Bill.

I loved my wife 'till the day she died. And the good news is, we were friends again by then. She was just a very, very confused person the last few years of her life.

And CasualSoul, men aren't always on the short end in a divorce. My daughter's boss is going through one right now in which her soon-to-be-ex has taken her business from her through some legal maneuvers, and has frozen all of their assets. She can't even pay her rent.
Message: Posted by: RandyStewart (Jul 16, 2006 09:49PM)
Well just be glad you're not having this divorce in Texas. Around here, if divorcing, and you don't care to play the "game", you simply send a lawyer into court with a written statement that she takes ALL.

My mother was telling me about my cousin's latest successes in life. She mentioned his new 5K square foot home being built with specifications to suit a king. She then said all this and he's not even married!

I doused her with a cold bucket of truth and told her first of all he's gay (good for him as it doesn't matter anyway) and secondly if he weren't and did get married, he better stay married or a Texas Divorce court would see to it that the house fit for a King went to the Queen.
Message: Posted by: CasualSoul (Jul 16, 2006 11:39PM)
I don't know about Iowa or Texas law, but here in democratic Canada we are ironically stuck with a very socialistic judicial system. Not that it's all bad or anything, but there are some really strange inequities that exist in our legal precedences, particularly with respect to divorce law and child custody issues. In it's 2004 study, the Canadian Department of Justice reported that 84% of all divorces result in the mother having sole custody of the children. Less than 5% of all divorces in Canada result in a joint custody/shared residence arrangement. I think those facts reasonably support a generalization that fathers get the shaft in Canada.

The method used to calculate child support in Canada is also too rigid and simplistic. My ex-wife ended up marrying a very wealthy man and my new common-law wife barely makes minimum wage, yet my child support is based only on my personal income; household income does not remotely come into play unless one of us is living below the poverty line. My ex-wife has a great job, lives in a mansion with her rich husband, yet, even though the kids live half the month with me, I'm paying thousands of dollars every month in child support to her. How does this make any sense? Of course I only want the best for my children, and if some of this money was allocated to specific child costs or going into a trust fund for them or something I'd be thrilled, but it isn't. Our system does not allow any flexibility for situations that don't fit in the normal box. The worst part is that when my kids ask why I pay their mom money every month when I can't afford the same luxuries they get at their mom's house, I have to make up excuses so they don't think badly about her. The whole system here borders the absurd.

Anyway, sorry if I sound like a whiner, but this is obviously something that is very personal and that I feel passionate about.
Message: Posted by: Bill Nuvo (Jul 17, 2006 06:14AM)
CasualSoul (what a great name)...

I know what you mean. With my previous relationship though, it was kinda the other way around. My ex partner wasn't very well off at all. And neither was I for that matter. But anyways, when I married, I felt bad that I had a better life than my two kids and was paying her more than I legally had too (because of those unfair support laws). It is too bad that your ex didn't feel the same way as I did.
Message: Posted by: CasualSoul (Jul 17, 2006 11:48AM)
[quote]
On 2006-07-17 07:14, mrbilldentertainer wrote:
CasualSoul (what a great name)...
[/quote]

:lol: thanks.

Yeah, not everyone has a grounded sense of fairness. My ex has always been extremely materialistic and she probably genuinely believes that the arrangement is fair. I guess if we try hard enough almost any absurdity can be rationalized.

Oh well, such is life, we all have our burdens to bear. :)
Message: Posted by: Bill Nuvo (Jul 17, 2006 12:26PM)
Reread my last post and noticed something that might not read right

"But anyways, when I married, I felt bad that I had a better life than my two kids and was paying her more than I legally had too (because of those unfair support laws)."

it should read more like

But anyways, when I married, I felt bad that I had a better life than my two kids and so began paying her more than I legally had too (because of those unfair support laws).
Message: Posted by: CasualSoul (Jul 17, 2006 02:30PM)
I got the gist. To a certain degree I think I would do the same thing you did to make sure the kids enjoyed a similar standard of living at both of our households. Ironically, that is what our current system is supposed to be doing. It obviously needs a serious revamping.
Message: Posted by: Margarette (Jul 18, 2006 10:20AM)
Wow! I'm reading about everyone having divorces that cost $10,000! I thought I had it rough when my first divorce cost me between $3000 and $5000! I let him have the house and the car! I left with just my stuff and our son. The divorce was his idea...guess he just wasn't ready for the responsibility of fatherhood since he walked out when I was pregnant. I signed a quitclaim deed to the house only to find out three years later that he never filed it. So, when the house went into forclosure, I was named in the suit. There went another grand in legal fees to make it where I wasn't responsible. What ended up being the funniest (in a sad way) was the fact that he argued the fact that he wanted the 55 gallon salt water aquarium we had (which I wanted, too). Didn't argue about his son...argued about that stupid aquarium. I finally agreed to let him have the aquarium if he reimbursed me the cost of the new filter and pump I had just replaced. Divorce does strange things to people, but looking back, it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

Margarette
Message: Posted by: airship (Jul 18, 2006 12:34PM)
LOL, Margarette, I'm sorry but your story about fighting over who got custody of the aquarium tells the whole tale, doesn't it? Divorce makes one even crazier than marriage does, if that's possible. :)
Message: Posted by: CasualSoul (Jul 18, 2006 01:21PM)
Yeah Airship, that's certainly true. Staying sane while feeling such intense emotional pain is definitely a great character building experience if one can survive it.
Message: Posted by: Chrystal (Jul 20, 2006 12:05PM)
Hi,

As hard as it may be sometimes I think trying to solve it amicably may be the best bet in the long run. Granted I wasn't married, but we did have a child, house and were together longer than most are married.

I wrote up the terms of the agreement (have Criminology) in my background and understood legalese. Some may call me stupid but I didn't ask for spousal support, nor his share of his hefty pension (he ran one of the largest companies in Canada). Nope I waived all that away for a deal on the house, then had to get a loan to buy out his share. Struck people as funny that even though his paycheck was aprox 5 times larger than mine , I paid him money. At the end of the day I can look at myself in the mirror.

It cost 25 dollars for the papers to be drawn up..we each paid $ 13.50. Not all people are materialistic and trying to work it out as friends may be the way to go, just be fair and work it out for the sake of the child.

My ex now enjoys his luxery apt,the 250,000 GM suite which comes with his job, the limos, the other extravagences his job allows which I had a part of and given up. Nope...no regrets. I am happy to have a house which I paid for, filled up with unwanted kids and pets..I feel I'm the rich one.

My advice find what makes you happy and seek it out. The road may be tough at first but the end result is well worth it. Good luck to you!

C

Chrystal
Message: Posted by: Bill Nuvo (Aug 8, 2006 08:58PM)
Well, things have gone extremely worse! She has taken our son away from me and is not allowing me access for the rest of the summer. She has all of a sudden gone off the deep end, changing her mind about everything, and say I can't have this now (material items) and so on. The authorities have gotten involved now.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

I have no idea what happened with the amicable thing.
Message: Posted by: ralphdean (Aug 9, 2006 10:41AM)
She is making you pay. You may, or may not have done anything but she is going to make sure you pay.

I found that I get much more time with my son if I do not argue with my ex. I would like to argue because of all the stupid things she does ( I almost never do stupid things ). "You are right" is something I practiced in front of a mirror much more than any sleight the first year or two. Ten years later and I find it has become much easier. Drives my current wife crazy though.
Message: Posted by: pradell (Aug 10, 2006 12:37AM)
Due to the games the mother is now playing, you should consider speaking with a lawyer and discussing your legal options and your rights. You may be able to obtain a low cost initial legal consultation by calling your state's bar association and asking for the lawyer referral service. Attorneys may have agreed to charge less for an initial consultation than their normal hourly rates. The longer the mother keeps your child away from you, the harder it may be to return things back to the way things were. Good luck!
Message: Posted by: Review King (Aug 10, 2006 12:38AM)
Cling to the Father and his Holy name and you can get through anything.

Christopher
Message: Posted by: Bill Nuvo (Aug 10, 2006 08:41AM)
Here in Ontario Canada, we have legal aid which helps those who can't pay for a lawyer (which most can't). I am really down to my last dollars right now, so that is where I am headed today.
Message: Posted by: Tom G (Aug 10, 2006 10:08AM)
Bill,
Went through a lot of the same stuff, but at least I'm lucky that it stayed
friendly. I sent a pm about a book that helped me through the tough time.
Tom
Message: Posted by: CasualSoul (Aug 10, 2006 01:23PM)
From my own situation, and talking to others that have been through it, she's behaving in a very typical manner. Pradell's absolutely correct, the longer she keeps your son from you, the less likely you will ever be able to get back to the equal access situation. Our court system relies heavily on precedence and maintaining the norm. Based on what you said before, she may have been feeling vulnerable as it sounded like your son spent more time with you than her. That could be part of her motivation for denying you any access now; she has learned how the system works and wants to get the history more in her favour.

If legal aid won't help you, most divorce lawyers will work out very amicable payment terms for you, often commencing things without even a retainer. If she can't be reasoned with, you absolutely need to get an interim court order setting out a fixed schedule for each of you until something better, and hopefully more flexible, can be set out in the final Divorce Judgement.
Message: Posted by: davidpaul$ (Aug 17, 2006 06:34PM)
Mrbilldentertainer,
Just wanted to add my concern and regret for what you are going through. You obviously have a lot of company. There is an excellent book by Dr. James Dobson
entitled "Love Must Be Tough". The book is devoted to exactly what you are going through and also offers hope. Great insight into the typical reactions, fears, anger, appeasement issues, the whole gammit as well as how to handle the wayward spouse and what your reactions should be. There is also an audio CD of the same name that will be well worth getting. call 1-800-A FAMILY and they can get you those resources. Focus on the Family is the name of the organization. The CD was a multi taping of a radio program discussing all the issues that are driving you crazy. Hope you avail yourself to these resources.
Dave
Message: Posted by: Jaz (Aug 21, 2006 03:51PM)
It's sad that what starts out as being an amicable split always seems to get nasty once lawyers become involved.

I've seen this happen over and over again.

I can only hope it all ends in a fair way for all concerned.