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Topic: One liners
Message: Posted by: submagi (Aug 5, 2003 05:24AM)
Hey guys and girls. Lately I've been focusing on my presentation. I was wondering if anyone would be kind enought to share some funny one liners or gags. Here's one I picked up from The Amazing Johnathan: You spread the cards faces towards you and backs towards the spectator. Tell them to pick ANY card and you will read their mind and figure out what it is.

Yeah, it's not much. But it does get a laugh. Any lines you use a lot and wouldn't mind sharing? thanks.
Message: Posted by: twistedace (Aug 5, 2003 09:52AM)
Card in pocket:
1.)Go ahead and reach in there: I know what you're thinking... my card was a diamond but THAT feels like a club!
2.)Go ahead and reach in my pocket, oh and take your time because it's my birthday (Dave Williamson I think).

Take a card...oooh especially that one or take a card any card and have the card on the bottom of the fan swinging around and moving into their hand (usually funny).

Ok, now if you'd be kind enough to put the card back anywhere I want you to...and just look at them (for some reason the stare makes this funny).

If you happen to drop the cards, which I tend to do from time to time, I usually say: "the king of all motor skills has shown up folks"
If you happen to screw up your patter or just get tongue tied: I usually say "Don't worry folks English is a seventh language for me and I really almost have it down."

Anymore out there? I have tons that just pop out while performing but they're usually due to specific situations that are going on around me.
Message: Posted by: Grandillusionsmagic (Aug 5, 2003 02:20PM)
"Pick a card any card"...as they reach for one—"Not that one."

"Please place your card anywhere...preferably twenty cards from the top".
Message: Posted by: Reis O'Brien (Aug 5, 2003 09:13PM)
"Now I'll just mix the cards up."

Stare at the deck...

"I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you..."
Message: Posted by: Evan Williams (Aug 6, 2003 11:54AM)
"Sir that's a very nice shirt, it'll come back in style if you keep wearing it."
- Bill Malone
Message: Posted by: Hoelderlin (Aug 6, 2003 02:50PM)
"Hello, sir, is this lady your wife or did someone vomit in your chair?"

Er, no, I think it wouldn't work... ;)
Message: Posted by: Zednanreh (Aug 6, 2003 06:02PM)
Go ahead and shuffle the deck, just don't get the cards out of order.

(If the spectator makes a joke, act insulted and say, "Go ahead Mr. Magician, you run the show now!")

- Alex
Message: Posted by: G. LaBarre (Aug 7, 2003 01:30AM)
When you drop something, blame it on GRAVITY!

You say, "That's Gravity, acting up again, and they laughed at Columbus".

(Somebody will correct you and say it was Newton.)

You say," No wonder they laughed at Columbus".
Message: Posted by: thehawk (Sep 17, 2003 09:22PM)
"I could tell you but then I would have to kill you".
First heard it by Lance Burton.
Message: Posted by: Zeiros (Sep 17, 2003 09:33PM)
OK, this one probably has a VERY limited appeal, but I was performing with a group of astrophysicists* and held up one single card, with the rest of the pack in the other hand:

"Alright so there's a man <gestures to card>, he has a favourite bar <gestures to pack of cards in other hand> you've all heard the joke: 'Bar walks into a man' <brings card and pack together>...oh...no...wait...Let me choose another reference frame."

I'd guess you need a grounding in Special Relativity or a real interest in popular science, but the places I perform it goes down well.

*No, really, that's what I do for a living
Message: Posted by: zaubern (Sep 18, 2003 05:36AM)
Just be careful with whose lines you use, you don't want to get in trouble.
Message: Posted by: Lee Darrow (Oct 15, 2003 04:01PM)
When you drop something:

Wow, a sudden gust of gravity!

Actually, there's no such thing as gravity, the Earth just sucks!

Lee Darrow, C.Ht.
Message: Posted by: Leeman (Oct 19, 2003 03:48AM)
I don't think this is actually a one liner but it is funny. During an ambitious card routine when I do the, set the card on the table and dribble all of the other cars on top except the top one which is your card, I say that this part is like salmon spawning and having to swim upstream.
Message: Posted by: Dave Schutt (Oct 23, 2003 12:51PM)
Aldo Colombini put out two booklets of all one liners. The latest one [i]Funny Stuff[/i] has over 300 one liners. The only downside is that they are not well organized, but don't let that stop you. They're funny and it's a quick read. Makes for a good "throne" book if you catch my drift, and if you do, I apologize, here's a courtesy flush just for you... :giggles:
Message: Posted by: tjmagic (Oct 23, 2003 06:40PM)
Here's a couple of general one-liners I've found amusing:[list][*]"I wonder where the people in Hell tell each other to go?"[*]"As I look into your smiling faces—and believe me, some of your faces need looking into to."[*]Ladies, you must remember that marriage consists of give and take. If he doesn’t give enough, just take it!"[/list] :bikes:
Message: Posted by: oldguy (Nov 11, 2003 11:52PM)
To a drunk heckler, "Why squeak like a mouse, when with a couple of drinks you can roar like a lion?"
Message: Posted by: Dorian Rhodell (Nov 13, 2003 01:24AM)
Can you hear OK in the rear? That's funny I can't hear out of mine.
Message: Posted by: El_Lamo (Nov 13, 2003 06:15AM)
You may find some good stuff here:


Cheers - El Lamo
Message: Posted by: Ron Reid (Dec 21, 2003 02:41PM)

Here is a line that Ken Scott offered in another forum here at the Café, "Notice at no times will my fingers leave my hands. I'll prove it. Here, sir, pull my finger."

I tried this at a few shows I had last weekend, and it got HUGE laughs each time.

Message: Posted by: Steve Hoffman (Dec 22, 2003 10:45AM)
Now THAT'S funny!!!

-Steve H

On 2003-08-05 22:13, Firedice27 wrote:
"Now I'll just mix the cards up."

Stare at the deck...

"I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you..."
Message: Posted by: glodmagic (Dec 28, 2003 12:57PM)
After a card fountain or if you bump a table and drop several items, bend over to retrieve them, "This is where my act is picking up."
Message: Posted by: cat26 (Jan 3, 2004 06:04PM)
When you drop something, "Brought to you by Maxwell House. Good to the last drop." Sometimes it's fun to be clumsy.

Cheers... :rotf:
Message: Posted by: Spatula545 (Jan 4, 2004 10:45AM)
If you are doing a kid's party and a self-working trick or mechanical trick (like Card in Frame) doesn't work then you could say something like, "There isn't enough magical aura in the room, we have to go on to a different trick now." The kids will believe anything. :birthday:
Message: Posted by: MattWayne (Jan 20, 2004 09:14PM)
Ha, my thing to say as I'm doing a routine which involves a spectator (sponge balls) is having the spectator make a "magical" pass over my hand and site the incantation of, "Woogie woogie woogie." It usually gets a laugh.

Then I continue the multiplying routine. Have them do it again, "Woogie woogie woogie." They say it. I then say, "Now wait, say it backwards but put more emphasis on the 'oo' going into the 'g'."

It gets a laugh. Kinda stupid but it works. :goof:
Message: Posted by: shahin (Jan 25, 2004 06:52AM)
Guys, check out Giobbi's chapter on humor in [i]Card College 5[/i] (last chapter). It's full of jokes and one-liners! The good thing is, that is it well organized!

Message: Posted by: Peter Marucci (Jan 26, 2004 06:45AM)
Please tell me that no one actually USES most of the lines mentioned here!

The bottom line remains: Humor in a routine must come OUT of the routine; it can't be grafted onto it.

BTW, submagi, you say you have a line that you "picked up" from the Amazing Jonathan. Did he actually give you permission to use part of his material or was the line stolen?

Do we have an ethical issue here? :confused:
Message: Posted by: Daniel Faith (Jan 28, 2004 01:00AM)
Come one you guys. Never insult a spectator! Even if you're kidding!

People are smart. They know when you're using canned crap...I mean patter. Leave it in the can.
Message: Posted by: Rob Johnston (Jan 28, 2004 04:24PM)
On 2003-09-17 22:22, thehawk wrote:
"I could tell you but then I would have to kill you".
First heard it by Lance Burton.
"Could you tell my wife then?"
Message: Posted by: dpe666 (Jan 29, 2004 12:37AM)
On 2004-01-28 02:00, Guardian wrote:
Come one you guys. Never insult a spectator! Even if you're kidding!
Yeah, you wouldn't want to push the envelope, or do the unexpected, or anything like that. Have you ever seen Don Rickles or magician Gazzo? These guys thrive on insults, and their audiences LOVE them for it. As long as the majority of the audience is laughing and having a good time, you are doing your job. :devilish:
Message: Posted by: Peter Marucci (Jan 29, 2004 06:59AM)
Well, sometimes. Maybe. Rodney Dangerfield used to do an "insult" act until one night he picked on the wrong guys. They waited for him after the show and almost put him in hospital. He changed his act, needless to say.

So you have to be very, very careful if you are going to do that. Very, very few people are good enough to carry it off. And even those who are usually have more sense than to do it!

:nana: (<-- See what I mean?)
Message: Posted by: matthewjohnson (Jan 31, 2004 12:56PM)
Magic friends,

Here are a couple of one-liners for you that I use in my act and have for years. I did not steal them, I got them from many different sources which I either paid for or got the permission for, some I made up from just performing. Well here it goes:[list=1][*]Magician stands on the left side of the stage, "Thank you, it's great to be here." Magician walks to the right side of the stage. "It's even better over here!"[*]After applause, "If that's all you have, save it!"[*]After single applause, "Don't clap on your own or I will have to throw you a fish."[*]To person with their arms folded, "Look, a bouncer from Toys R Us."[*]In change bag routine as you unzip the bottom of the bag, "Look the bag is so empty I can open the bottom...Not my bottom, the bottom of the bag!"[*]If children have seen a trick before, "Hands up if you have seen this before? Hands up if you want to see it again!"[*]If a trick goes wrong, "It's the first day with my new hands."[*]"Look, nothing up my sleaves...Except my arms!"[*]In warm up say to children, "Hands up if you have your arms folded." :confused: [*]In warm up say to the kids, "Hands up if you will give me your mums' and dads' Visa card numbers and expiry dates."[/list]I know loads so if you would like to post more so will I.

Matthew Johnson :band:
Message: Posted by: willrob999 (Apr 27, 2004 08:00AM)
I use

Is this your wife or are you out for a good time?

and the one I usually open up with is

I did a show in a old people home the other day don't know if it was any good but they wet themselves anyway.
Message: Posted by: avimagic (Apr 29, 2004 07:17PM)
Before I throw a ball out into the audience for the purpose of randomly selecting someone, I instruct whoever catches the ball to hand it off to the nearest or best looking person they see.

If a man comes up on stage, I say "Hmmm, I see they went with the nearest one."