(Close Window)
Topic: Post your Jokes
Message: Posted by: Ollie1235 (Apr 5, 2004 12:25PM)
1. You;re so stupid you got locked in the supermarket and nearly starved to death

2. You're so stupid you got fired from the M&M's factory for throwing away the w's

3. You're so fat that when you got lost they took up three sides of the milk carton to try and find you

4. A man walked into the doctor's and said "Doctor, Doctor everyone's ignoring me!" The doctor said " I said 'next please!' "

5. A ventriloquist was in a bar and telling jokes about blondes. After the performance, a blonde came up to him and said, "I'm very offended by that."
the man replied, "Sorry, I apologize."
The blonde then said, " Oy, you shut up! I'm talking to the guy on your knee!"

If anyone has any jokes then please post them

P.S. I am not meaning to offend anyone
Message: Posted by: Reis O'Brien (Apr 5, 2004 01:07PM)
Two guys were golfing when they look up to see a funeral driving by slowly on its way to the cemetary. One of the guys takes off his hat, puts it over his heart and takes a moment of silence. When the funeral has passed, his buddy says, "Wow, Hank. That was really nice of you." And Hank says, "Well, it's the least I could do. I was married to her for 30 years."
Message: Posted by: redstreak (Apr 5, 2004 09:35PM)
I predict the longest thread in Café history.
Message: Posted by: shawlie (Apr 6, 2004 02:43AM)
Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?
---'Cause it was dead.
Why'd the bird fall out of the tree?
---'Cause it was stapled to the monkey.
Message: Posted by: Liam Jones (Apr 6, 2004 01:04PM)
On 2004-04-05 14:07, Firedice27 wrote:
Two guys were golfing when they look up to see a funeral driving by slowly on its way to the cemetary. One of the guys takes off his hat, puts it over his heart and takes a moment of silence. When the funeral has passed, his buddy says, "Wow, Hank. That was really nice of you." And Hank says, "Well, it's the least I could do. I was married to her for 30 years."

[b]hehehe[/b] funniest joke I have heard in a while
Message: Posted by: drwilson (Apr 6, 2004 01:45PM)
Q. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Two. One to screw it in, and one to not screw it in.


A Buddhist Monk goes up to a hot dog stand and asks, "Can you make me one with everything?"
Message: Posted by: Law (Apr 6, 2004 02:21PM)
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Your pants are down".
There is a link of sausage and a slice of bacon laying in a frying pan. The sausage turns over to the bacon and says, "Man, it sure is getting hot in here!" The slice of bacon replies, "Aaaaggghhh, talking sausage!"
A pretzel walked down the street. He was a salted.
Two men walk into a bar, the second one should've ducked.
Some bacon and eggs walk into a bar, and they ask for a round of beer. The bartender replies, "We don't serve breakfast".
:rolleyes: :rolleyes:
Message: Posted by: Liam Jones (Apr 7, 2004 04:53AM)
Two blondes are in a forest and come across some tracks. The first blonde says, "They're rabbit tracks!" The other says, "They're bear tracks!"

They argue for ten minutes or so and [b]end up getting ran over by a train![/b]
Message: Posted by: Andini (Apr 7, 2004 07:02AM)
Ok, I've got a couple blondies for ya'll:

1. Three women, only one of them blonde, are driving along in the desert. The car gives out and they're stuck. So, they decide to walk the rest of their journey. They decide to each bring one thing with them. One non-blonde brings food. The others ask why. "Well, in case we get hungry, we can eat!" They thought that was good. The other non-blonde brought water. When asked why, she said, "Well, in case we get thirsty, we can drink!" The others thought this was fair. Then, the blonde rips the door off of the car and the other two scream, "Now, why in the world are you bringing that!?" She replies, [i]"Well, in case we get hot, we can roll down the window."[/i]

2. A blonde is at a vending machine, inserts her money, presses a button and a pop comes out. Excited, she inserts more money, and another pop comes out. In a frenzy, she begins inserting her money, pressing different buttons, and celebrating every soda that the machine gives her. A man comes up and says, "Gee, why are you doing this so much?" She responds, [i]"I'm winning, aren't I?"[/i]
Message: Posted by: Muggy (Apr 7, 2004 09:42AM)
A kilted Scotsman was walking down country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, his back against a tree. As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly.

When they came to the source of it, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt". So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!". Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.

Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow.

After several moments passed, he said, "I dinnae know where ye been laddie, but it's nice ta see ye won fierst prize!"

Message: Posted by: Muggy (Apr 7, 2004 09:47AM)
These Are Really Bad!!

Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, & got married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it'

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Message: Posted by: kid iowa (Apr 7, 2004 10:23AM)
What do you call rednecks chasing hillbillies?

What's the difference between women and batteries? (This is my wife's FAVORITE joke....not)
Batteries have a positive side.

How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
10,000. 1 to change the bulb, the other 9,999 to argue who's technique he's using.

A duck walks into a drug store and asks for some chapstick. The cashier asks, "Will that be cash or charge?" The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."

A priest, rabbi, horse, cowboy and set of siamese twins walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Message: Posted by: shawlie (Apr 7, 2004 11:14AM)
After a heavy night's drinking, a guy gets into his car and starts off home. He's awfully drunk and it doesn't take long before a cop pulls him over.
The cop can clearly smell booze on the guy's breath and asks, "Have you been drinking?".

"Yeah", he answers, "I had twelve beers, three whiskeys, a white russian, a few more beers and a pint of Guiness to finish it all off".

"I'm gonna have to give you a breath-test," the cop explains.

"What's the matter," says the drunk, "don't you believe me?"


Always starts with an A, but sometimes with an S.
Message: Posted by: philipi56 (Apr 7, 2004 05:51PM)
There were 2 muffins in the oven. The first one says, "Oh my gosh, it's hot in here." Then the second muffin says, "Oh my gosh, a talking muffin!"
Message: Posted by: Liam Jones (Apr 8, 2004 04:35AM)
The best joke in the world?

[b]You, for reading it[/b]

Sorry it isn't a very good joke but a funny way to have a joke with someone.
Message: Posted by: Muggy (Apr 8, 2004 06:03AM)
Another Blonde Joke;

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"

The big woman replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional tri-athlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 220 pounds, and she is a current professional kick boxer.

And, next to her is a blonde who is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250 pounds, and she's an ex-Olympic shot-putter. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The guy thinks about it a second and says: "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
Message: Posted by: amagish (Apr 13, 2004 09:45AM)
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road and roll's in the mud and then crosses back to the original side?

A dirty double crosser. :)

Dan Turcotte
Message: Posted by: Chrystal (Apr 13, 2004 10:03AM)
This one is dedicated to those that told blond jokes.

It's due to the amazing technology in science that doctors are now able to do brain transplants!! Mens brains are priced at $100,000 unfortunately woman's brains are only $50,000.
(comedic pause) Here's the part where men nudge their wives and laugh.

.......but that's cause womans brains are used. (Ladies now laugh louder)

Message: Posted by: alekz (Apr 15, 2004 04:43AM)
Some one-liners I've found: (The last few are some kind of self-recursive sentences. I love them :) )

Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son. "Diet."

"I'm a Leo. Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff." - Tom Neff

"It's easier said than done." ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done".

There's no such thing as gravity - the earth sucks

"To be, or not to be."--Hamlet

If you think this sentence is confusing, then change one pig.

You have, of course, just begun reading the sentence that you have just finished reading.

This sentense contains exactly three erors.

You and I, alas, can have only one-way communication, for you are a person and I, a mere sentence.

I had to translate this sentence into English because I could not read the original Sanskrit.

What would this sentence be like if pi were 3?

I never make a mistake. One time I thought I did, but I was wrong.

Hmm the last ones are not really funny, but in some way cool. Google for 'flutzpah' if you want more :)
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (May 1, 2004 07:54AM)
There was this rich fella, and he was having an affair with an Italian girl.

One day she says to him, "Hey guessa what? Ima pregnant!" The guy says, "Oh Crap! Hey, I tell you what, lets keep this discreet. We'll set up a secret code. When you have the baby, just send me a post card, and on the back just write "spaghetti." That will be our code, and I'll send you some money to take care of it."

Several months later, the guy is at a business luncheon, when he receives a call from his wife. She says, "Honey, we just got the STRANGEST postcard in the mail. It's really weird, and I don't understand it!" He says, "Well, what does it say?"

She says, "It says "Spaghetti, spaghetti' spaghetti, TWO WITH MEATBALLS, ONE WITHOUT!!!"
Message: Posted by: hkwiles (May 1, 2004 09:34AM)
"Doctor, Doctor! I think I'm going deaf!"

"What are the symptoms?"

"A yellow coloured cartoon family"

Message: Posted by: hkwiles (May 1, 2004 09:43AM)
And there's more...

"Doctor, Doctor I feel like a cowboy"

"Really. How long have you felt like this?"

"Oh about a yeee..haaa !

(well you did ask for them)

Message: Posted by: hkwiles (May 1, 2004 09:48AM)

"Doctor, Doctor. I can't pronounce my "f's", "t's" and "th's".

"Well. You can't say fairer than that!"

Message: Posted by: Scott Cram (May 1, 2004 10:24AM)
How many software programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
It can't be done. It's a hardware problem!

Why can't Buddha vaccum under the sofa?
He has no attachments!

Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

On 2004-04-15 05:43, alekz wrote:
What would this sentence be like if pi were 3?

I kn[img]http://www.ia.uned.es/~elvira/elvira/gui/images/hexagon2.gif[/img]w [img]http://www.ia.uned.es/~elvira/elvira/gui/images/hexagon2.gif[/img]ne maj[img]http://www.ia.uned.es/~elvira/elvira/gui/images/hexagon2.gif[/img]r change t[img]http://www.ia.uned.es/~elvira/elvira/gui/images/hexagon2.gif[/img] y[img]http://www.ia.uned.es/~elvira/elvira/gui/images/hexagon2.gif[/img]ur sentence that w[img]http://www.ia.uned.es/~elvira/elvira/gui/images/hexagon2.gif[/img]uld happen if pi were 3!
Message: Posted by: daffydoug (May 1, 2004 05:39PM)
Some fellas were at a bar in New york, getting soused, when one fella says to the other "You know what? When you are drunk, you are so limber, you can jump right off a building, and just bounce right back!" Other fellow says "No way!"

First guy says "OK, I'll prove it to you!" So he takes him to the top of the Empire State building. He says "watch! Geronimo!" and he jumps and goes all the way to the ground, and BOING he bounces right back up, does a little pirhoette, and lands right on his feet next to the other guy!"

The other guy says "Wow! I don't believe it! Do it again!

So he says "Geronimo! And once again jumps, and bounces right back up, does a little pirhoette, and lands right on his feet.

The other guy is incredulous, and says "Hey Let me try it! Geronimo!" He jumps, falls all the way down, hits the pavement, and SPLAT!! He's splattered all over the sidewalk.

The first guy looks down, spits on him, then in one leap, he's back at the bar.

Bartender looks at him and says " You did it again, didn't you?"

Guy says ""Yup"

Bartender says " You know what, Superman, you sure can be a real a******e when you've been drinking!"
Message: Posted by: mattmann101 (Aug 16, 2004 08:06AM)
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Being eaten by a shark.
Message: Posted by: Doug Higley (Aug 16, 2004 11:06AM)
This thread is the supreme reason why Magicians need writers...why Scotland is not a hotbed of comedy and why Jessica Simpson had 38 million jokes written about her before she was famous.

Question: how can so many inanimate objects such as umbrellas and pickles etc get away with 'walking' into a bar and asking questions of 'the bartender'? It is quite obvious that before communication could take place it would be the bartender who would walk to a jar of pickles or an umbrella stand and begin the conversation...or to be believable, jokes must be from real situations...ie:

A guy walks into a bar with a jar of pickles...a pregnant blonde waitress say's "...great! I have the sardines!" and one of the pickles say's...'why are you carrying around that car door?' and the bartender say's "because her brain is used." The Duck not paying any attention say's "Where's my shorts?"
A drunk at the bar, laughing hysterically and crying at the same time is performing a double lift for a Cabbage, which is not amused and from a height of 105 stories a guy falls through the roof of the bar *splat* clutching a big red S in a triangle...

Meanwhile...In a dark corner of the bar...Robert Baxt is taking notes...
Message: Posted by: pikacrd (Aug 16, 2004 11:31AM)
On 2004-08-16 09:06, mattmann101 wrote:
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Being eaten by a shark.


I laughed
Message: Posted by: Count Elmsley (Aug 16, 2004 04:41PM)
It was in the early hours of the morning.

A burlgar was trying to open the safe in a large house.

Suddenly he heard a voice behind him say "Jesus is watching you!".

He turned round to see who was there but couldn't see anyone in the dark.

He fiddled with the safe again, and then he heard: "Jesus is watching you!".

The burglar shone his torch slowly round the room, finally stopping when he saw a parrot watching him.

"Hello!", he said, "What's your name then?".

"Moses!", said the parrot.

The burglar laughed and said: "Which stupid idiot calls his parrot 'Moses'?"

The parrot replied: "The same stupid idiot that calls his rottwieller 'Jesus!"
Message: Posted by: GypsyPirate (Aug 17, 2004 01:39PM)
On 2004-04-15 05:43, alekz wrote:

If you think this sentence is confusing, then change one pig.

You have, of course, just begun reading the sentence that you have just finished reading.


I laughed 'til I cried at the first one... composed myself... read that next one and was on the floor.
Message: Posted by: GypsyPirate (Aug 17, 2004 01:43PM)
Sex is the number one cause of teen pregnancy.

This joke makes about as much sense as the difference between a duck.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything is going your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and
looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So.
What did you think?"

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says
it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were!

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said,
"See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down
on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing? This steers it."

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing.

"Time flys like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." -Groucho Marx

"I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I shall never know." -also Groucho Marx

A nurse comes in and says "Doctor, the invisible man is here to see you." He replies, "Sorry, tell him I can't see him right now."

A guy runs into a doctor's office and shouts, "Doc! Doc! Quick help me... I'm shrinking!" He replies, "I'm sorry, you'll have to be a little patient."
Message: Posted by: BSutter (Aug 17, 2004 03:05PM)
Why do you give Groucho Marx credit for his (2) lines when the majority of the post is from Steven Wright?

Never mind, your name says it all.
Message: Posted by: GypsyPirate (Aug 17, 2004 10:43PM)
Hey that's clever... never thought of that... I wasn't sure they were steven wright... I just had a list I've saved up and copied and pasted... thanks for clarifying
Message: Posted by: dr chutney (Aug 18, 2004 04:03AM)
A funeral cortege is making its way up the High Street when the hearse brakes suddenly and the coffin is shot out the back. It starts rolling down the hill, past W H Smith, past Marks and Spencer, and crashes through the door of Boots. As it passes the pharmacy counter the corpse lifts the lid and says, "Have you got anything to stop this coffin?"

A father sees his son strugging down the street pulling a sofa on which are stacked two armchairs. The father says, "How many times must I tell you, you do not take suites from strangers!"

A paper bag goes to the doctors for an examination, and is told to come back one week later for the results. Sure enough, he returns, and the doctor says "I've got some rather serious news for you"
"What is it?", asks the bag.
"Well, the thing is, you've got Hepatitis B."
"How can that be?", he asks,"I've never been near any infected blood."
"Well", replies the doctor, "your mother must have been a carrier."

"I rang up a local building firm and I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"
Message: Posted by: mattmann101 (Aug 19, 2004 06:16AM)
William Shakespear walks into a pub. The Barman says "Get out, Your Bard!"

A Man is knocked over by a mobile library, as he's lying in agony in the road and screaming in pain, the driver gets out and goes "SHHHHHHH"

- Both Peter Kay (I couldn't include the funnier ones as they're way too rude for even inpolite company)
Message: Posted by: JackDaniel (Aug 19, 2004 09:09AM)
On 2004-04-07 11:23, kid iowa wrote:

How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
10,000. 1 to change the bulb, the other 9,999 to argue who's technique he's using.


:rotf: :rotf: :rotf:

Great one!!
Message: Posted by: dpe666 (Aug 19, 2004 09:08PM)
A woman goes into an exotic pet store, and sees a beautiful talking parrot. The sign on the cage reads, "Talking parrot. ONLY $50!" The woman can't believe it. There must be some mistake. She calls the shop keeper over and inquires about the price of the amazing bird. "Nope. That's no mistake.", says the shop keep. "His last home was a brothel, so the things he says can be offensive." The woman considers this for a moment, figures the bird could probably be retrained, so she buys the parrot, and takes him home.

When she gets the bird home, the bird looks around and says, "Raaah! New house. New Madame. Raaahh!" The woman is a bit taken aback, but decides to laugh it off.

A few hours later, the woman's two teenaged daughters arrive home from school. The bird sees them and says, "Raaahh! New house. New hookers. Raaah!" The girls are stunned, but their mother explains the situation and the all have a good laugh.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband arrives home from work. The bird sees him, and says, "Rraahh! Hi, Kevin!"

An honest man is closing up the store for his boss. Part of his closing duties is to count the money. As he is counting, he hears an audible voice whisper to him, "Take the money." The man looks around, and decides it was only his imagination. Again the voice says, "Take the money." "No!" the man says in a somewhat loud voice. The voice replies, "Trust me. Take the money. Go outside, and get into cab #311." The man, although an honest man, is now courious. So, he takes all the money in the store (about $23,000), and goes outside.

A moment later a cab drives up, and the man waves him down. Sure enough the cab's number is #311. The man gets in the cab. "Where to, mister?" asks the cabbie. The voice tells the man, "To the airport." The man tell the cabbie to drive him to the airport.

When the cab arrives at the airport, the man pays the driver, and goes into the terminal. The voice says "Go to the service desk of American Airlines, and buy a one-way ticket to Las Vegas." The man does so, and is soon on his way to Las Vegas.

When the plane lands, the man looks around the terminal, and asks, "So, what do I do know?" The voice replies, "Go out front and find the van with the logo for The Mirage Hotel and Casino. Get in and tell the driver to 'Step on it'." The man does just that and soon arrives at the Mirage.

"What know?" asks the man who by know is getting very excited. "Go into the casino.", the voice says. The man quickly runs inside, and looks around. "Go to the Roullette Wheels." The man races to the Roullette tables, and looks them over. "Wheel #4!" says the mysterious voice. The man races over to table #4. "The voice commands, "Put ALL the money on black 17!" The man does as he is told. The game operator sets the wheel spinning and the ball in motion. Round and round it goes, until finally the ball comes to rest on red 34. The voice says, "Damn!"
Message: Posted by: prettylady1990 (Aug 20, 2004 04:42AM)
1. Your mamma's so fat not even Bill Gates could afford for her to have lipo-suction
Message: Posted by: Magicmike1949 (Aug 23, 2004 01:40AM)
Little boy gets hit by a car and is lying in the street. First person to arrive says, "Do you want me to call a doctor?" Boy shakes his head and says, "I'm afraid it's too late for that." So the guy says, "Do you want me to call a priest?" And the kid says,"How can you think about sex at a time like this?"
Message: Posted by: Dr_Stephen_Midnight (Aug 23, 2004 08:14PM)
Did you know there's enough sand in North Africa to cover the entire Sahara Desert?

Message: Posted by: Scott Cram (Aug 23, 2004 10:22PM)
...and now, a look back at the top news stories for the year 2035:

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon)
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting Machine
Message: Posted by: Patrick Differ (Aug 23, 2004 10:23PM)

The bell ringer in the local church dies, so the padre puts an ad in the newspaper: "Wanted: Bell Ringer."
The next day, there is a knock at the door of the church and the padre answers. Standing at the door is a man that doesn't have any arms.
The padre asks, "May I help you?"
The no-armed man answers, "I'd like the job as the bell ringer."
The padre replies, "How can you ring the bell if you don't have any arms?"
The man replies, "I banged on the door, didn't I?"
The padre agrees to let him try so they both climb 12 flights of stairs to the belfry.
The no-armed man takes a look at the bell. Then he charges it! He smacks the bell with his forehead and the bell swings away with a "Gong!"
The bell then swings back and clips the man under his chin and sends him flying out the window and he falls 12 floors to his death.
The padre, thunderstruck, races down the stairs to the man's body.
An old man walks by and asks the padre, "Who is that?"
The padre replies, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

So the padre still needs a bell ringer and leaves the ad in the paper.
The next day there is another knock at the door and the padre answers.
Standing there is another man without arms.
The padre asks, "May I help you?"
The man answers, "I'd like the job as the bell ringer."
The padre asks, "How can you ring the bell if you don't have any arms?"
The man replies, "Well, I banged on the door, didn't I?"
So the padre agrees to let the man try and they both climb 12 flights of stairs to the belfry.
The second no-armed man takes one look at the bell and charges it...and misses it completely and goes out the opposite window and falls 12 floors to his death.
The padre, thunderstruck, races down the stairs and gets to the body.
The old man, walking the other direction this time, asks, "Who's that?"
The padre replies, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for the other guy."

(Not mine.)

Message: Posted by: Ryan Birch (Aug 24, 2004 06:10AM)
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a torch in her ear!

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate'

What do you call Christina Aguillera in a toaster?
A pop tart!
Message: Posted by: Scott Cram (Aug 24, 2004 09:50PM)
How do you get a sweet little 80-year old lady to swear?
Get another sweet little 80-year old lady to yell, "BINGO!"

On 2004-08-24 07:10, goblin wiz wrote:
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a torch in her ear!

Isn't that a little harsh? Wouldn't a flashlight be kinder, and just as effective?
Message: Posted by: amazingmace (Sep 20, 2006 01:20PM)
Why did the conjoined twins move to England?
So the one on the right could drive.
Message: Posted by: Joey Stalin (Sep 20, 2006 10:12PM)
I went hiking last Saturday and wound up in a little bit of a quandry. I never bring bear spray or bear bangers, I had never crossed paths with a bear in the wild. I guess I was a little bit over due. I was just finishing off my lunch by a lake when a bear came into view. He started come towards me, I blew my whistle, but he kept coming towards me. I dropped my lunch and ran, this bear was gaining on me quickly. I spotted a tree and managed to climb in just in time. The bear got on its hind legs and tried swiping at me. I was out of his reach though. He tried knocking the tree over but lost interest and sauntered off. I waited to make sure it was gone before coming down, but the bear came out from the thicket, followed by another bear! They both went up on their hind legs trying to reach for me! The tried together to knock the tree over. They were getting fustrated, I could tell. Then one of them climbed onto the other's back!!! I raced higher into the tree, barely managing to escape its reach. They finally gave up and went back into the thicket. I waited twice as long this time before I started making my way down the tree. I was halfway down when out of the thicket came two bears and a beaver.

My High School Biology teacher loved to tell that joke.