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Topic: Please do not try this at home!
Message: Posted by: weepinwil (Jun 22, 2017 05:26PM)
What a day in the mortuary. I had a cadaver brought in wearing blood soaked clothing. As we always do, we cut away his clothing but found no sign of trauma, although it was obvious he had bled to death by the paleness of his face and clothing. Richard and I stood gazing at the body for several minutes with puzzled faces, scratching our heads, and wondering where all the blood came from. We searched every inch of the body and still no sign of a wound large enough to cause such a blood letting. Eventually, we decided it didn't matter how he died, he was definitely dead, so we began the cleaning. We usually wash the cadaver with a hose stream of water and chemicals and then pay close detail to the crevices and private parts. We hooked him up to the aspirator to begin the fluid flow when we noticed the anal stopper would not move into place. It was as if something was preventing the insertion. When we spread his cheeks (not the ones on his face) we discovered a pencil lodged in his anus, along with a boat load of crap. The pencil had ruptured his superior rectal artery and this was the cause of the massive bleeding and his death. (Like having a giant hemorrhoid explode in your butt.) We removed the pencil and crap and completed the preparation. It was only upon reading the obituary that I discovered he was a high school teacher, by trade; a mathematician. The only thing I can figure is he was constipated and, being a mathematician, tried to work it out like all his other problems, with a pencil, thus rupturing the artery. So friends please remember there are other alternatives for constipation and never try this at home.

Your friend,
Weepin' Willie
Message: Posted by: Yogi2x4 (Jun 22, 2017 07:07PM)
Was the point at the (uuuuhhhhh) "busy" end?

I assume it was a #2 pencil
Message: Posted by: weepinwil (Jun 22, 2017 07:20PM)
[quote]On Jun 22, 2017, Yogi2x4 wrote:
I assume it was a #2 pencil [/quote]

Now, that's funny!
Message: Posted by: Darkness (Jun 22, 2017 07:34PM)
I know some teachers that could use a new pencil case...
Message: Posted by: Philemon Vanderbeck (Jun 23, 2017 07:41AM)
As a math teacher, I am OFFENDED by that "joke."

Everyone knows that "real" mathematicians still use a slide rule to work things out. (At least us older ones do.)
Message: Posted by: weepinwil (Jun 23, 2017 08:08AM)
[quote]On Jun 23, 2017, Philemon Vanderbeck wrote:
As a math teacher, I am OFFENDED by that "joke."

Everyone knows that "real" mathematicians still use a slide rule to work things out. (At least us older ones do.) [/quote]

Joke? What joke? I can only relate events as they occur. Obviously, this mathematician uses the right tool for the right job and didn't have a #2 slide rule. Sorry you were offended but let me assure you when you lie upon the embalming gurney you will be offended even more because not even Victoria has any secrets in the embalming room. Take care my friend.

Weepin' Willie
Founder of the Hayville School of Embalming, Cremation, and Culinary Science
"When the oven's hot cook all you can!"
Message: Posted by: Philemon Vanderbeck (Jun 23, 2017 08:29PM)
It can't be true . . .

Something just doesn't add up.
Message: Posted by: Darkness (Jun 23, 2017 11:13PM)
Well good thing he didn't find abacus beads...
Message: Posted by: weepinwil (Jun 24, 2017 08:12AM)
[quote]On Jun 23, 2017, Darkness wrote:
Well good thing he didn't find abacus beads... [/quote]

Abacus beads up the butt..... sounds rather sensual. I think they do that someplace I've been before.
Message: Posted by: Delimbeau (Jun 24, 2017 12:03PM)
It's better than a whole abacus :-)
Message: Posted by: Darkness (Jun 24, 2017 12:06PM)
Lol now that's funny.

At least it will slide in easy.
Message: Posted by: Dr Spektor (Jun 24, 2017 12:17PM)
The Pencil is mightier than the Suppository
Message: Posted by: Delimbeau (Jun 24, 2017 12:22PM)
:rotf:
Message: Posted by: Darkness (Jun 24, 2017 12:28PM)
And if we put an eraser in, it's great for removing sensitive a wholes (respectful spelling).

Too much? Sorry.

In the end, it's the entertainer in me wanting to come out...
Message: Posted by: weepinwil (Jun 24, 2017 01:40PM)
[quote]On Jun 24, 2017, Darkness wrote:
And if we put an eraser in, it's great for removing sensitive a wholes (respectful spelling).

Too much? Sorry.

In the end, it's the entertainer in me wanting to come out... [/quote]

Don't think the entertainer is what was suppose to come out.....