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Marty Faigin New user California 10 Posts |
I might not do very many comedy magic tricks... but over my time in middle and high school I've heard and come up with some REALLY great jokes. Tell me what you think.
Three men need a place to sleep for a while. They happen upon an old motel. When they talk to the receptionist, they find out that all of the rooms are full. They are about to leave when the receptionist says that if they pay a little extra, they could sleep in the attic, the laundry room, and the basement. The men really need the rooms, so they take them. Every morning the three men meet in the lounge. They then go out to do what they need to do in the city. Then at night, they meet again before going to bed. One night the man in the attic REALLY needs to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, there are no restrooms for five floors down, and the cheap motel has no elevator! Panicking, he...um...GOES in a pillowcase. He doesn't feel comfortable with it around, so he throws the pillowcase down the laundry chute. The next morning, the three men meet in the lounge. The first man says, "I'm fine!" The second man says, "Me too!" The last man is shaking and looking uncomfortable. He says, "I saw a ghost and beat the crud out of it!"' :heehee: THINGS TO DO IN THE BATHROOM STALL 1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" 2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh crud! My glass eye!!" 6. Say "Dang, this water is cold." 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from eight to 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?" 9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!" 11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters" 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please? 13. -------This one's not good... lol 14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot" 15. Say, "Dang, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" 16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your cheeks. 17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!" 19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free" :heehee: So what do you guys think? Should I post more? lol I've been popular on other forums for these.
And with a wave of my wand, under the cloth we find that...uh ...may I have another assistant please?
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Carrie Sue Veteran user Auburn, MI 332 Posts |
Well, you've certainly got the "off color" audience locked up.
Yeah, I smiled, but I wouldn't like to hear these from a performing magician. And I won't use 'em. CSR |
Marty Faigin New user California 10 Posts |
NO! They aren't meant to be used for performances!!! That would cause catastrophe! This is the non-magic section of the forum, so I thought I'd post some jokes... they have nothing to do with magic at all! Sorry if you thought I'd ever tell these in front of an audience.
And with a wave of my wand, under the cloth we find that...uh ...may I have another assistant please?
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irossall Special user Snohomish, Washington 529 Posts |
Nothing wrong with a little "bathroom" humor and I did find some of your material humorous but I was wondering if you know any non-bathroom humor as well. You seem to have a fetish for public lavoratories, is that your stage? What kind of Magic do you perform in the stalls? Ever get a standing ovation? Inquiring minds want to know:) .
Iven
Give the gift of Life, Be an Organ Donor.
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Marty Faigin New user California 10 Posts |
I guess I posted the wrong ones first. I have plenty of better ones...
Bill Gates has gone to hades. The devil comes up to him and says, "You have 3 choices of how you will spend the rest of eternity". He leads Bill to a molten magma pit with people in it. They are suffering and burning. He then shows Bill a restaraunt. Inside the people are being forced to eat really disgusting foods. The last choice is a small room with a computer and a bottle of wine. Bill Gates says he wants that room. The devil lets him in and locks the door. Another devil comes up to him and says, "Why did you give him that room? It didn't look that bad!" The first devil said, "Oh, it is. The bottle of wine has a hole in it, the computer is windows 95, and it's missing control, alt, and delete." :heehee: A man wanted to take parachuting lessons. He jumped off the plane, but found he couldn't pull the cord. Panicking, he notices a woman holding a small blowtorch flying straight up at him. When they're about level, he shouts, "Hey! Do you know how to use a parachute?" She replies, "Sorry! Do you know how to use a gas grill?" I hope these are better. I don't want everyone to get the image that I'm a freak or anything I just posted the wrong jokes first.
And with a wave of my wand, under the cloth we find that...uh ...may I have another assistant please?
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irossall Special user Snohomish, Washington 529 Posts |
Marty, don't worry about being a "freak" anyone who goes around performing Magic has to be at least a little freaky.
As far as posting the "wrong jokes first", I don't think so, you posted what you wanted and that is all that is important. Please don't take offense to my response to you. I was just having some fun and trying to get some humorous responses to my questions. Actually I would like to try some of your stunts but I just would not have the guts to do so. Great Candid Camera material . Iven
Give the gift of Life, Be an Organ Donor.
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Mike Brezler Inner circle Waynesboro, Pa. 1114 Posts |
Marty,
My favorite is the one about borrowing a highlighter. That is funny! Mr Mike |
Marty Faigin New user California 10 Posts |
Like I said, I'd never think of ever saying these in front of an audience. That would be disasterous!
A man is out hunting for ducks by a big pond. His aim is right on, but he can't pick up any of his kills because the birds he's shooting down are landing in the water of the pond and he can't fetch them. He decides to himself, "I need a hunting dog!" He goes to the pet store and asks for a dog. The owner says, "We have a fine specimen here! He can walk on water!" The hunter buys the dog immediately. He wants to go hunting, and he also wants to show off his new dog, so he calls his friend, who happens to be a critisizer. He will look at the cons of anything and ignore all pros. The hunter thinks, "Just wait till he sees my dog! He'll go crazy!" The two men are out by the lake. The hunter shoots, the dog walks right over the water and retrieves, and the pessimist examines. At the end of the day, the hunter says, "Did you notice anyhting about my new dog?" The pessimist says, "Well, yeah! He can't swim!" :heehee:
And with a wave of my wand, under the cloth we find that...uh ...may I have another assistant please?
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