I have a fan who is dying (or may have already passed.) She is a little girl, about 10 years old. For years she and her family would visit me in the restaurant where I work. She has a brain tumor and started going blind. As her sight diminished, I began doing tricks for her that used her hands, such as sponge balls, or rope tricks with the ropes in her hands, or coins tricks in her hands.

She lost her hair while having treatments. I was under the impression she was geting better, other than the blindness. A year ago I was invited to their home to do a private party for the kids.

I have not seen them for quite a while now. This month I saw a flyer hanging in the grocery store anouncing a benefit activity for her. It was past the event, so I couldn't attend. But the flyer suggested she did not have long to live.

Here's my dilemma: I would like to do something, but quite frankly I don't even know if she is still alive. I'm looking for suggestions from all of you. What might I do? How might I approach the family, not knowing the current situation?

Personal to Chrystal: Sorry if this made you cry.

Ah, this is delicate...

Do a little investigative work and check the local newspaper for the obits. (You may be able to do an online search. Another idea is the vital statistics office (check for death certificates in her name.)

If you don't find her name (and hopefully you won't) or, if you prefer, approach the family as a concerned member of the community. Ask about her condition.

If she's alive, offer to perform a show at their home for her. If not, offer to perform a show for her sibblings and their friends in her memory. Perhaps a show for her school in her memory would be a nice idea as well...


Lyndel

Hi:

I think Lyndel has given very good advice - I think I would do exactly as he suggests.

Ron

I too would try and find out if possible, but if not possible, I would still make the call. You could explain that you just wanted to let them know how much you enjoyed performing for her and you wanted to check on “everyone.” If she has passed, the thoughts would still be good for the parents.

Very nice of you doing this, good luck with it.

Tom

Even if she has passed on, I would contact her parents and express my condolensces. See if the family needs anything or if there is anything you can do for them. Perhaps you could organize a fundraiser and use the proceeds to set up a trust fund for others in need. Name the trust after the child. Just a thought.

Kent

Hard as it is to even think of the death of a young child, the concern here is more about your feelings than those of the family. They would be appreciateive of the contact and the sincere feelings you express in doing so. If she has passed they will tell you, yes or no, you can do many of the suggestions above. I think Kents ideas are epecially good.

The most important thing is that you let them know the life of their precious little girl touched yours and you are the richer for it. That you are most appreciative of the honor it has been to have crossed paths.

Frank Tougas

Do they have brail cards? If not they need them.....i'll get on that.

Hi Deke,

I can't possibly say it better than what Frank Tougas said in his last paragraph. That was beautifully said Frank. (He should know as I believe he is a child psychologist.)

As a special ed teacher and kids entertainer, I have had this occur on occasion as the children I often work with, are medically fragile. It's best just to call and explain you saw the flyer. Let them know that you were concerned enough to make the call. Speaking to bereaved parents, many experience a silence after the death of a child. People aren't being cruel, they just don't know what to say, so they often say and do nothing. Ironically this leaves the parents feeling worse even if the child has passed, if they don't hear from people. The parents always feel so much better to be able to talk about the child. They also want to know how much their child touched the life of another.

Make that call and I know no matter how difficult it will be regardless of the news..you won't regret it.

Chrystal
(yes, it did leave tears in my eyes)

Braille cards are available. I found a deck on ebay several months ago.

Dang it.......i was going to be rich.

Hi Deke,

Great advice given so far. I'd be sure to follow it. I've mentioned before somewhere here, that I do free shows and special visitation weekly at a large hospital near my home here. This year several of my special patients have passed on. (I'm allowed to visit the intensive care unit as well) I've even attended a funeral for one of my very special little friends who passed away a couple of months ago.

Like the others I'd encourage you to make the call at least.

All the best, JoJo

Deke:
Have you found out anything about your young friend?

Just interested and my prayers are with her family.

Vinny

I was once had the same experience. I performed at a benefit for a young boy with cancer. After two weeks or so, I read his obituary in the paper. I sent flowers to the funeral home as a token. I also sent a card to the family a week after the funeral.

Small thing like this show that we care and mean alot!

Listen to Chrystal - use your most tasteful demeanor and just contact the family and be straight-ahead about it. There's some very good advice above from several people.

Don't let yourself indulge the "overcome with sadness" feeling - if she's still with us, arrange to visit for just a few minutes now and then, and bring SUNSHINE (she's got the un-sunshine part covered all by herself)

The parents will appreciate that you have thought of her and do think of her.

Um ... no, I haven't called yet. I am trying to "social grace" aspect of how to approach the call when I DON'T KNOW if whe's still with us. Searching for the right words ...

Deke

Deke, you'll be "tiptoe-ing" until the kid croaks!

If the child has passed on, BELIEVE ME, sad as it is, the parents have gotten used to telling those who haven't yet gotten the news. You won't offend them.

Take action while there's (possibly) more time to do some good.

Deke,

Once you DO IT, you will feel much better, just for having done it. The fear of upsetting them is much greater than the chance that you would actually offend the family. The longer you wait, the harder it will be; it won't get any easier.

How about trying something like calling them just to say that you were thinking of them, and how meaningful it was for you to perform for her. They will be absolutely touched that you thought about their child, whether she is alive or not.

I volunteered at a camp for kids with Cancer a few years back, and the families are more resilient than we often give them credit for. Later, I was involved in a golf tournament to honor the memory of a young man who was at the camp the year after I was there, and I can tell you that they never tire of sharing fond memories of their 17 year old. I saw them again a few months ago after a couple of years passing by, and they were at an event honoring cancer survivors and their families where I was volunteering some time. Do it! Today! You will NOT regret it!

I oncew did a show for a girl whose father had died the day before
I was told to just carry like nothing had happened.
I did.
and I cried all the way home

It is always sad when God decides to take a soul while they are still young.
If you want to do something special for this young girl or the family.
Search your heart. You don't need our advice.
God Bless