I was thinking about my trips to Wal-Mart in recent months. It's a pain waiting for my wife to finish looking through all the girl stuff, so I guess sometimes I get carried away. Was I a bad boy?

1. June 15: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers I'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help me, began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked my nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the cookware department, practiced my "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!, PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

You are either a comic genius...

Or:

You need to get back on the ol' medication.


No matter which, you ARE a bad boy...Because I'm gonna be repeating MANY of these to my own wife's dismay!!

Thanks pal, you're a NUT!

Prof. Piper

Or you recycled an old internet chestnut. Bad boy!

Oh...that is mean. I wish I had the guts to do some of that stuff. (I have done the clock thing)

How did the people react?

It's a WAL-MART, they aren't paid enough to react.

Yup! (We read too much.)

Hey Ross,
If you did do that stuff, more power to you.
They are funny.

I do seem to recall a comedian advocating similar stunts.

Yes, you were bad, but in a good way. That's the funniest stuff I've read all week!

Nice. Airplanes are pretty fun to reek (sp) havoc(sp, again) as well.
Lemme get some funny lists of "Stuff to do when..."
be right back...

19 things to do in a public washroom:


1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh
relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while
yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your
butt cheeks

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to
the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free."

oh, an added one by me.
When your in there, yell: "oh god, it burns!!!"

Hmm, ok, I cant seem to find anything here. I will just write a few down.

Things to do on a rollercoaster:
-Sit next to someone who looks nervous, and when the coaster is going up a steep hill, take a handfull of nuts and bolts out of your pocket, and drop them on the seat. Yell, "Where the h*** did they come from?"

-In the line up, talk loudly to your siblings, and say: "Man, this ride is going to be sweet. Im glad they finally got it fixed, what a sin about that person eh?"
Just make up stories that will scare people close to you, and tell them really loud, so people will overhear. (I have made someone cry by doing this.)

-In the middle of a ride, (I did it on "The Tower of Terror" in MGM Studios in Orlando last year.) scream really loud, and scare the crap out of the people in the ride with you. (I did it to someone who was on it for the first time, and she kept screaming "When is it going to drop, I wanna leave!!!" And when it was dark, I would yell: "OH MY GOD! AHHHHH!!!!!" and at the end, I got a slap in the face, and she was crying, and going through an anxiety attack. But boy was it ever fun!

On a plane:

-Talk to someone next to you. "Man, its amazing they didn't find that bomb..."

-While being checked at security, say "Crap, I left the gun in my pocket.."

-On the plane, yell out to everyone "I AM HIGHJACKING THE PLANE!!!!" and try pulling a gun out of your pocket. Realize its not there, and say "Never mind, I forgot my gun.."

-Go into the cockpit and when you come out say "Man, Im amazed he can still fly with all that vodka in there. It really goes to show how good they are!"

-In the middle of the flight, put on a red bandana, and go to the bathroom for a longgggg time.

-Come in dressed as an arab, and chant "Hail Alah!"

-Talk to someone next to you. "So it goes of at 200 MPH? ok, good."

Things to do in a haunted house. (I have done all of these.)
-Stay in there for an hour, and wait for the staff to find you.

-Wait for people to come in, and scare the crap out of them.

-When with another group of people, fake a heart attack.

-Go with nervous kids and keep hiding and jumping out at them.

-Loose your group and come back when they least expect it.


As you can see, this is probably why people LOVE to go to amusment parks with me. It is just soo much fun bug the ones who are scared about what is comming ahead.

If any of you listen to Dane Cook, he's got some HILARIOUS things to do to people. They aren't exactly appropriate for this, but if you have a chance, listen if you want to laugh.

Michael

I'm just guessing, but:

You don't fly much, do you?

Prof. Piper

OK, so I found my original list on the web - so what?

You probably can't handle a real one - humor is how I handle problems in my life, but I've found that the people near me don't appreciate it.

Oh, you think you CAN??? OK, here's a real one ... I mean absolutely genuine.

Had season tickets to Six Flags a few years ago - last trip of the season, I got brave (or at least found that the line wasn't too shockingly long) and went on the suspended coaster. Just once. I spent the whole 45-second ride shrieking like a girl and begging God to get me off of it alive. Bragged about my courage to anyone who'd listen. They generally told me I was an idiot.

Within a few weeks, had a stroke.

Name of the coaster: "The Mind Eraser."

As Julia Sweeney wrote, "God said 'HA!'"

I used to work at walmart and some of this stuff would happen. Mostly kids trying to copy the list. As a stockman at walmart we had started a code called 1000, Which we would say over the walkie to let the other stockmen and 2 managers know that there was a hot girl in a certain department. It was good times. But the worst of times was always when some one would come in to return something and they wouldnt get their way and would take their kid to a department and tell them to poo on the floor. THis happend a lot. And we actually caught an adult doing this one time because we wouldnt take back their used condom that allowed his gf to get pregnant. Fun times. I hate walmart...lol

DaNg!

I'm hoping (genuinely) that you've recovered from your stroke and are doing much better!

On a side note: I, too, went to Six Flags last season...Rode the "Batman" suspended coaster (I LOVE rollercoasters, just so you know)...

I spent the entire ride screaming "RIGHTOUS, RIGHTOUS", ala the Sea Turtle from "Finding Nemo"...

Many of my co-passengers found it hilarious...

Mission accomplished.

Prof. Piper

Thank you, Professor Piper - I didn't die, which my wife constantly reminds me while chiding me about my weight. And, of course, the most irritating thing is that she's absolutely correct.

Aside from not dying, I got back some of what I lost, but not all - would you like to know how hard your daily life can get just because one leg doesn't work right?

Anyway, I've been thinking about Corey Harris's post about Wal-Mart "Code 1000".

You know you're getting old when the birthday kid's mom makes you want to scream "CODE 1000!!!!"

What do you mean? Do you mean that if I actually did this I would probably get killed?

Just to let you know, I never did any of the plane stuff on there. But my brother DID tell the security officer at the luggage check that he had a bomb in his bag. I wanted to get on the plane in one piece, so I told him to shut up.

I was in a Target once with a bunch of friends and we were drinking out of a 3 leter sierra mist. I choked while trying to drink too much as once and got covered in the stuff. I just walked over to the towel department and cleaned myself off.

Jeez, pal, I didn't steal someone's act, I passed around one of the millions of "
viral" web joke lists out there - so sue me!

I took up a minute of your precious time with something you'd seen before - I'm so sorry I could puke! No, really!

BTW, my own material in my show is 100% original and it's godd*m gold - and I've shared a bucketload of it on the Café. If passing on a funny that I saw - something that's already crawling all over the web - makes me a hack, so be it. "Ooooh, you stole something somebody else wrote!!!" Not everything is locked down by rights - some things are just put out there by creative folks like you and me ... well, like you, I guess since I'm such an uncreative hack.

Good advice...Those airport security people do NOT play around! lol


Here's my one and only favorite from the past (Me and some friends did this while in like 10th grade or so...)

Go to your local grocery store...Hungry.

Go to the bread isle and grab two pieces of your favorite type,

Go to the condiment isle and find your favorite spread (Much easier these days with the special lids...We had to take a knife)...

Go to the lunch meat section and find your favorite...

Go to the cheese section and do the same....

If you like veggies, head to Produce to top it off...

Then go to the chip isle...Again, find a fav...

Top it off with some soda...

Enjoy your sandwich, chips, and soda.

Prof. Piper