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Bill Nuvo
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Dave, I couldn't agree more. Since I am a pretty secluded guy really, (I enjoy a lot of time by myself) I am deeply touched by the support that I have recieved here. I had felt lonely but now realize I have a larger support system than I thought.

Today has been my best day since the news. I have come to terms that it is happening and am using this situation as some of my inspiration to succeed. I want to show myself I can do this without my wife. At the very least I don't have to pass any purchases of magic by her first! My sense of humour has definately helped over the last few days.
airship
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I put my wife on a pedestal and made her the center of my life. It was only after I dealt with her leaving that I realized how much I had given up by doing that. It wasn't healthy for me, and I now realize it wasn't healthy for her, either.

Now I enjoy the time I have to pursue my own interests and hobbies, magic included. I'm finally losing weight and looking after my health. I have my own small group of close friends, instead of just hers. I enjoy the company of several wonderful women (as friends) instead of just her. And I never anticipated what a joy it could be to just sit and watch TV in my recliner in my underwear. Smile
'The central secret of conjuring is a manipulation of interest.' - Henry Hay
CasualSoul
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I've been there too. It's a rough transition man. I feel for you. I had kids 7 and 4 when I went through it 6 years ago. I'm a successful investment banker and entrepreneur and my wife left me for a mattress salesman almost old enough to be her dad. Smile Totally humiliating Smile The best pieces of advice I can give is:

#1 Don't take all the blame; it takes two people to make a marriage work and it likely took both of you to screw it up.

#2 Get out with your friends and/or find new single friends. Making new friends is what got me though it.

#3 Be careful to keep an on-going, detailed written log of everything you do with your children (she may seem very amicable now, but this can change as you go through the process).

#4 Joint custody does not necessarily mean shared residence. Although joint custody will give you the power to prevent them from moving away, changing schools, etc., it will not give you any real power over how often you get to see them. If she ends up as the primary caregiver, your child support will be higher and she will have control over your visitation schedule. Although having a single residence does work for many families that go through this, it can be devastating to a parent that has always been very involved with their childrens' upbringing. You sound like you are a very involved father and if you don't want to be relegated to only seeing your children every second weekend, you need to establish a schedule where the children are at one parent's residence no more than roughly 60% of the time. Your lawyer will confirm this, but there is a sweeping philosophy among Canadian lawyers that shared residence arrangements do not work. If you decide you do want a shared residence arrangement for your children, and your lawyer is discouraging you, find a new lawyer.

I hope my words were of some value.

I don't know where you are in Ontario, but I have an office in Toronto and I get out there about 3-4 times a year. I always enjoy meeting fellow magi, so if you'd like to meet for a beer sometime when I'm in town, just PM me.

Hang in there bro, it does get better.

Arthur
"Open their mind by performing the impossible"
RandyStewart
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I'm a little late but still very sory you are faced with this Bill.

Mother Teresa never married in the traditional sense but said:

"We, the unwilling,led by the unknowing,are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much,for so long,with so little,we are now qualified to do anything with nothing."

In her book "No Greater Love" she says you can apply the words to any situation where one continues to offer Love where the other(s) have abandoned.

Also note that to abandon the graceful state of offering Love gains you membership among those who's hearts have grown cold and wretchid.

You were designed to continue growing and loving despite the news on Father's Day and you will.
Dr. Solar
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Hi Bill,

A little late here but not really. My wife of 5 years split in Oct, '01. I was fortunate to have seen and heard Ray Charles before he died.He preluded a song with how he got up every day with thoughts of the loved one and went to bed the same. He sang that, until the day that he longed for, that he would awake with clear thoughts about other things, there would be no choice but to say..." I can't stop loving you..It's clearly to say, so I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday..." I'd say that finally days do go by without thoughts of my ex in this past year. At least I'm down to every other day or so, but it is much easier to snap out of it with the realization that it was a sick relationship.Her on the take and me willing to give too much of myself.

As airship stated about giving up too much of himself. My show career has picked up much more. I can go to any lecture I can afford though having to pay her a tremendous amount of money for the few short years we were together was criminal. She definately was a gold digger, there are those. She would get mad if I went to help my adult children with a house project since I was a contractor. She felt that any labor I offered for free ate into her monies worth. Like she had to agree to relinquish her half of a suppossed cost of said project.

Sorry you have a child with her. That does compound things quite a bit. She does have tremendous issues that is for sure. Just keep pluggin' into this thread as needed, maybe get a little counseling for help. Hang in there.

Dr. Solar
"look for me in all things forgotten"
www.drsolar.com
DanielSteep
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Sorry to hear bill,

And to say you just spent ALOT of money revamping the show now you have to spend more to move:(..

I have a pic of my one assistant and the dog on the way to Ryan Joyces show! I can send it to you tim if you would like it!

incase anyone is wodering Im the Daniel, Tim and Bill are talking about! Even when I read that it brought a smile to my face!
Donald Dunphy
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Bill -

Sorry to hear about your pain.

Some books that have been very helpful to me are by Dr. Willard Harley, titled "His Needs Her Needs", and another book titled "Love Busters". That, combined with a humble heart (I'm always working on losing my pride), an attitude to learn and grow, and a good counselor will be of help to you.

- Donald
Donald Dunphy is a Victoria Magician, British Columbia, Canada.
Chrystal
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Hi Bill,

I think by the responses so far, you'll realize you're not alone when you are going through this. Take it one day at a time and know we're all here for you.

Chrystal

Tim, I agree you have a cute dog..have two of the same breed.
Bill Nuvo
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Thank-you all again.

It's been a little stressful lately. I have been doing my best to still be supportive and helpful to her, but I have been feeling used. I have also noticed that she is starting to dress in more provocative manner, which is bugging me a bit. I think jealousy is what I am feeling. I think she may be interested in someone else, and the thing that bugs me is that she will not tell me and is lying about it...or course it could all be in my mind. But she had already gone swimming in a lake with "friends" from work whom she has only worked with for 3 weeks, and swimming in her bra and panties. I have also had the phone calls asking for her and then no message when she is not....hmmm? So maybe you can see why I am thinking this way.

She sent me to the law advice clinic to find out about getting a divorce. I told her she can't divorce me until a year after separation and that the paperwork alone for the divorce would cost $500.00 and then there is the lawyer fee. Amazingly she didn't even flinch at the price tage of $1400.00 total to get everything done.

I am very confused
DanielSteep
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I would be too ..

My friends actually told me this after my gf and I broke up (she was using me for my money)

"Never make someone your absolute everything, because when they are gone you have absolutely nothing"
CasualSoul
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Quote:
On 2006-07-14 11:37, mrbilldentertainer wrote:
I told her she can't divorce me until a year after separation and that the paperwork alone for the divorce would cost $500.00 and then there is the lawyer fee. Amazingly she didn't even flinch at the price tage of $1400.00 total to get everything done.

I am very confused



The one year restriction only applies if there hasn't been any instances of adultery. My divorce cost me almost $10,000 in legal fees and disbursements, so if you can get it done to your satisfaction for only $1,400 you should count yourself lucky.
"Open their mind by performing the impossible"
Bill Nuvo
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Well, isn't she going to pay for it? I wasn't the one who wanted the divorce.

So what happens if during the separation her or I end up in another relationship? Does that count as adultery?
Chrystal
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Hi Bill,

Another option would be to get legal advice from the law clinic, write the letter yourself regarding terms of seperation, sale of house, and child custody. Go back to the law clinic and have them look over it. Make an appt with the notary then go in with your wife to have it notorized at the cost of 25 dollars aprox. The document is official as it contains both your signatures and a notorized seal.

Just be sure that you are not forgetting anything as it is legally binding. Pension, spousal support, terms, ect. Child support payments are variable according to your income and are set throught family services in Canada.

Good Luck to you!

Chrystal
CasualSoul
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Quote:
On 2006-07-14 23:45, mrbilldentertainer wrote:
Well, isn't she going to pay for it? I wasn't the one who wanted the divorce.

So what happens if during the separation her or I end up in another relationship? Does that count as adultery?



If she wants the divorce then she'll have to pay a lawyer to draft and file the Statement Of Claim For Divorce. If she claims adultery on herself or you in the document then basically that's all that's required to forgo the one-year restriction.

Where it gets expensive for you is if you disagree with any of the terms specified in her Statement of Claim For Divorce and Division of Matrimonial Property. The whole thing is very similar to a law suit in the way it proceeds. If she files the Statement Of Claim and you do nothing, then you'll become automatically divorced, through a Default Judgement, under the terms she specifies and you won't have any legal costs; unless of course that's something she asks to be reimbursed for in her Statement Of Claim.

Chrystal is basically suggesting you work together in drafting a Consent Divorce Judgement so you don't have to go through the normal back and forth process of Statement Of Claim and Statement of Defence. Her suggestion is a good idea if you both understand the system, your rights, and have complete mutual agreement on the terms. If you are lucky enough to be able to go this route, a lawyer's advice is still crucial in drafting the Judgement as the system will not recognize any provision of your Judgement that does not comply within specific parameters.

Unfortunately, once both parties understand the system it is rare that they can come to mutual agreement without involving lawyers in an adversarial process. Like I said in my original post, she will probably be asking to be the primary caregiver to your child, which will give her almost complete control over your "visitation" schedule. Even if she lets you have the kids half the time, you need to have an official joint caregiver/shared residence clause in your judgement to get any credit for child care costs you incur while your child is living at your home. My battle with my ex to be a joint caregiver to our children is what ran my legal fees so high.
"Open their mind by performing the impossible"
Bill Nuvo
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I am the primary caregiver now. So I can't see that standing up in a court proceeding. But I can see her trying.
CasualSoul
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You do have that going for you then, but the Canadian courts tend to favour the woman, so there is always a risk if it ever has to go before a judge. Most cases never go that far as the legal costs can easily exceed $10,000. I suppose you could try to be proactive and try to discuss these things with her before it gets into the hands of the lawyers, but if you think there still might be a chance for you to get back together I'd consider leaving it in her hands to move things forward. Now that you're separated though, don't forget to keep a detailed, on-going log of the time you spend with your children. This is critical evidence you need if she ever challenges you.
"Open their mind by performing the impossible"
airship
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My wife and I were planning an 'amicible' divorce, and things were going well until her boyfriend convinced her I was out to 's***w her'. Even though I was already planning on letting her have nearly everything. The divorce ended up costing $10,000, and all she got in the end is what I was planning on giving her, anyway.

BTW, I gave her the house (with $15,000 equity) and when she died eighteen months later, she left it to her boyfriend in her new will, even though they weren't married yet. It should have gone to my daughter. Smile
'The central secret of conjuring is a manipulation of interest.' - Henry Hay
Bill Nuvo
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Oh my God Airship! What an awful turn of events. You guys get a divorce and then she dies. That must have been hard on your family (daughter).


Casual Soul, in my previous relationship (not married) when we went our separate ways, I feel I kinda made the mistake of giving her custody. Not that she was a horrible person, but we did have a few problems caused by that. Fortunately we have ironed things out, by me moving 3 hours away, so I really don't see my other two children as much as I would like. She did though take me to court over support issues (I beleive she was egged on by a member of her family). In the courtroom I represented my self (I just had a lawyer to do the paperwork). I actually took on her lawyer and left the lawyer unable to answer any questions much to the annoyance of the judge who ruled in my favour. Basically, I was being accused of making more money than I really was.

But now we are friends, and we talk to each other about things. So all is good.

I just don't really want to go through that type of thing again, so I will definately be taking some of the advice here.
CasualSoul
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That is a really sad story Airship.

Bill, it took a couple years, but I also have a good co-parenting relationship with my ex, which is good for the kids' mental/emotional health and makes life so much easier. That's unfortunate that you don't get to see your kids more. It's a very common situation though.

Men always seem to get the shaft in divorce proceedings.
"Open their mind by performing the impossible"
airship
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Good luck with it all, Bill.

I loved my wife 'till the day she died. And the good news is, we were friends again by then. She was just a very, very confused person the last few years of her life.

And CasualSoul, men aren't always on the short end in a divorce. My daughter's boss is going through one right now in which her soon-to-be-ex has taken her business from her through some legal maneuvers, and has frozen all of their assets. She can't even pay her rent.
'The central secret of conjuring is a manipulation of interest.' - Henry Hay
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