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RandyStewart
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Texas (USA)
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Well just be glad you're not having this divorce in Texas. Around here, if divorcing, and you don't care to play the "game", you simply send a lawyer into court with a written statement that she takes ALL.

My mother was telling me about my cousin's latest successes in life. She mentioned his new 5K square foot home being built with specifications to suit a king. She then said all this and he's not even married!

I doused her with a cold bucket of truth and told her first of all he's gay (good for him as it doesn't matter anyway) and secondly if he weren't and did get married, he better stay married or a Texas Divorce court would see to it that the house fit for a King went to the Queen.
CasualSoul
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Edmonton, Canada
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I don't know about Iowa or Texas law, but here in democratic Canada we are ironically stuck with a very socialistic judicial system. Not that it's all bad or anything, but there are some really strange inequities that exist in our legal precedences, particularly with respect to divorce law and child custody issues. In it's 2004 study, the Canadian Department of Justice reported that 84% of all divorces result in the mother having sole custody of the children. Less than 5% of all divorces in Canada result in a joint custody/shared residence arrangement. I think those facts reasonably support a generalization that fathers get the shaft in Canada.

The method used to calculate child support in Canada is also too rigid and simplistic. My ex-wife ended up marrying a very wealthy man and my new common-law wife barely makes minimum wage, yet my child support is based only on my personal income; household income does not remotely come into play unless one of us is living below the poverty line. My ex-wife has a great job, lives in a mansion with her rich husband, yet, even though the kids live half the month with me, I'm paying thousands of dollars every month in child support to her. How does this make any sense? Of course I only want the best for my children, and if some of this money was allocated to specific child costs or going into a trust fund for them or something I'd be thrilled, but it isn't. Our system does not allow any flexibility for situations that don't fit in the normal box. The worst part is that when my kids ask why I pay their mom money every month when I can't afford the same luxuries they get at their mom's house, I have to make up excuses so they don't think badly about her. The whole system here borders the absurd.

Anyway, sorry if I sound like a whiner, but this is obviously something that is very personal and that I feel passionate about.
"Open their mind by performing the impossible"
Bill Nuvo
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CasualSoul (what a great name)...

I know what you mean. With my previous relationship though, it was kinda the other way around. My ex partner wasn't very well off at all. And neither was I for that matter. But anyways, when I married, I felt bad that I had a better life than my two kids and was paying her more than I legally had too (because of those unfair support laws). It is too bad that your ex didn't feel the same way as I did.
CasualSoul
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Quote:
On 2006-07-17 07:14, mrbilldentertainer wrote:
CasualSoul (what a great name)...


:lol: thanks.

Yeah, not everyone has a grounded sense of fairness. My ex has always been extremely materialistic and she probably genuinely believes that the arrangement is fair. I guess if we try hard enough almost any absurdity can be rationalized.

Oh well, such is life, we all have our burdens to bear. Smile
"Open their mind by performing the impossible"
Bill Nuvo
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Reread my last post and noticed something that might not read right

"But anyways, when I married, I felt bad that I had a better life than my two kids and was paying her more than I legally had too (because of those unfair support laws)."

it should read more like

But anyways, when I married, I felt bad that I had a better life than my two kids and so began paying her more than I legally had too (because of those unfair support laws).
CasualSoul
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I got the gist. To a certain degree I think I would do the same thing you did to make sure the kids enjoyed a similar standard of living at both of our households. Ironically, that is what our current system is supposed to be doing. It obviously needs a serious revamping.
"Open their mind by performing the impossible"
Margarette
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Memphis area
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Wow! I'm reading about everyone having divorces that cost $10,000! I thought I had it rough when my first divorce cost me between $3000 and $5000! I let him have the house and the car! I left with just my stuff and our son. The divorce was his idea...guess he just wasn't ready for the responsibility of fatherhood since he walked out when I was pregnant. I signed a quitclaim deed to the house only to find out three years later that he never filed it. So, when the house went into forclosure, I was named in the suit. There went another grand in legal fees to make it where I wasn't responsible. What ended up being the funniest (in a sad way) was the fact that he argued the fact that he wanted the 55 gallon salt water aquarium we had (which I wanted, too). Didn't argue about his son...argued about that stupid aquarium. I finally agreed to let him have the aquarium if he reimbursed me the cost of the new filter and pump I had just replaced. Divorce does strange things to people, but looking back, it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

Margarette
The only stupid question is the one not asked.
airship
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In my day, I have driven
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LOL, Margarette, I'm sorry but your story about fighting over who got custody of the aquarium tells the whole tale, doesn't it? Divorce makes one even crazier than marriage does, if that's possible. Smile
'The central secret of conjuring is a manipulation of interest.' - Henry Hay
CasualSoul
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Yeah Airship, that's certainly true. Staying sane while feeling such intense emotional pain is definitely a great character building experience if one can survive it.
"Open their mind by performing the impossible"
Chrystal
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Hi,

As hard as it may be sometimes I think trying to solve it amicably may be the best bet in the long run. Granted I wasn't married, but we did have a child, house and were together longer than most are married.

I wrote up the terms of the agreement (have Criminology) in my background and understood legalese. Some may call me stupid but I didn't ask for spousal support, nor his share of his hefty pension (he ran one of the largest companies in Canada). Nope I waived all that away for a deal on the house, then had to get a loan to buy out his share. Struck people as funny that even though his paycheck was aprox 5 times larger than mine , I paid him money. At the end of the day I can look at myself in the mirror.

It cost 25 dollars for the papers to be drawn up..we each paid $ 13.50. Not all people are materialistic and trying to work it out as friends may be the way to go, just be fair and work it out for the sake of the child.

My ex now enjoys his luxery apt,the 250,000 GM suite which comes with his job, the limos, the other extravagences his job allows which I had a part of and given up. Nope...no regrets. I am happy to have a house which I paid for, filled up with unwanted kids and pets..I feel I'm the rich one.

My advice find what makes you happy and seek it out. The road may be tough at first but the end result is well worth it. Good luck to you!

C

Chrystal
Bill Nuvo
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Well, things have gone extremely worse! She has taken our son away from me and is not allowing me access for the rest of the summer. She has all of a sudden gone off the deep end, changing her mind about everything, and say I can't have this now (material items) and so on. The authorities have gotten involved now.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

I have no idea what happened with the amicable thing.
ralphdean
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She is making you pay. You may, or may not have done anything but she is going to make sure you pay.

I found that I get much more time with my son if I do not argue with my ex. I would like to argue because of all the stupid things she does ( I almost never do stupid things ). "You are right" is something I practiced in front of a mirror much more than any sleight the first year or two. Ten years later and I find it has become much easier. Drives my current wife crazy though.
pradell
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Alaska
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Due to the games the mother is now playing, you should consider speaking with a lawyer and discussing your legal options and your rights. You may be able to obtain a low cost initial legal consultation by calling your state's bar association and asking for the lawyer referral service. Attorneys may have agreed to charge less for an initial consultation than their normal hourly rates. The longer the mother keeps your child away from you, the harder it may be to return things back to the way things were. Good luck!
Review King
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Cling to the Father and his Holy name and you can get through anything.

Christopher
"Of all words of tongue and pen,
the saddest are, "It might have been"

..........John Greenleaf Whittier
Bill Nuvo
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Here in Ontario Canada, we have legal aid which helps those who can't pay for a lawyer (which most can't). I am really down to my last dollars right now, so that is where I am headed today.
Tom G
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Bill,
Went through a lot of the same stuff, but at least I'm lucky that it stayed
friendly. I sent a pm about a book that helped me through the tough time.
Tom
CasualSoul
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Edmonton, Canada
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From my own situation, and talking to others that have been through it, she's behaving in a very typical manner. Pradell's absolutely correct, the longer she keeps your son from you, the less likely you will ever be able to get back to the equal access situation. Our court system relies heavily on precedence and maintaining the norm. Based on what you said before, she may have been feeling vulnerable as it sounded like your son spent more time with you than her. That could be part of her motivation for denying you any access now; she has learned how the system works and wants to get the history more in her favour.

If legal aid won't help you, most divorce lawyers will work out very amicable payment terms for you, often commencing things without even a retainer. If she can't be reasoned with, you absolutely need to get an interim court order setting out a fixed schedule for each of you until something better, and hopefully more flexible, can be set out in the final Divorce Judgement.
"Open their mind by performing the impossible"
davidpaul$
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Pittsburgh, Pa
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Mrbilldentertainer,
Just wanted to add my concern and regret for what you are going through. You obviously have a lot of company. There is an excellent book by Dr. James Dobson
entitled "Love Must Be Tough". The book is devoted to exactly what you are going through and also offers hope. Great insight into the typical reactions, fears, anger, appeasement issues, the whole gammit as well as how to handle the wayward spouse and what your reactions should be. There is also an audio CD of the same name that will be well worth getting. call 1-800-A FAMILY and they can get you those resources. Focus on the Family is the name of the organization. The CD was a multi taping of a radio program discussing all the issues that are driving you crazy. Hope you avail yourself to these resources.
Dave
If you can't help worrying, remember worrying can't help you!
Jaz
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NJ, U.S.
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It's sad that what starts out as being an amicable split always seems to get nasty once lawyers become involved.

I've seen this happen over and over again.

I can only hope it all ends in a fair way for all concerned.
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