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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Not very magical, still... » » Hilarious email (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

Ellen Kotzin
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Loyal user
UPSTATE, NY
280 Posts

Profile of Ellen Kotzin
Just got this and wanted to share the silliness...

Thanks to all of you:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that
needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every soda can I open for the same
reason

And, I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258 time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
waterbuffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an email to eight of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so
a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap or Tupperware in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow! up in my face . .. disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a numberfor
which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers, but that will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under t! he seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I
can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband'scousin's beautician.

Have a wonderful day...
Steve V
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Inner circle
Northern California
1878 Posts

Profile of Steve V
I see you selected 144,000 people, the very same number that Charles Manson was going to grow his family to before coming out of the desert. Coincidence? I think not.
Steve V
Josh the Superfluous
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Inner circle
The man of
1881 Posts

Profile of Josh the Superfluous
I used to have a coworker who'd send me every chain email she received. I'd type the keywords into snopes.com's search, and send her the link to the page that debunked the myth. Instead of doing this herself, she continued to pass on these junk letters, but removed me from her mailing list.
What do you want in a site? "Honesty, integrity and decency." -Mike Doogan
"I hate it, I hate my ironic lovechild. I didn't even have anything to do with it" Josh #2
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