Does anyone have any jokes about magic or magicians? I'll start:

A Magician was working on a cruise ship. The audience was different each show, so the Magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows over and over again and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. So the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's in his other hand! Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The Magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship hit an iceberg and sank. The Magician found himself on a piece of debris, floating in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side on the same piece of debris. They glared at each other with contempt, but did not utter a word. This went on for several hours. Eventually the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod.

;)

M:C

Q: What's the difference between a Magician and a Large Pizza?

A: A Large Pizza can feed a family of four.

An elderly magician died, and the local magic club decided to collect funds to help his family with the funeral expenses. Going door to door, asking for donations from the neighbors, a club member asked a lady for a donation;

"Excuse me Miss, would you donate $5 to help our club bury an old magician?"
The lady reached into her purse, took out a bill and said, "Here's a 10, bury two of them!"

A Magician was doing his stage show in front of a big audience but saw he wasn't getting anywhere. After all his "A material" failed to impress, in desperation, he called a big, muscular man out of the audience.

"Sir, I'd like you to take this 20 pound sledge hammer and hit me as hard as you can right in the head."

The man refused.

The magician said, "Trust me Sir, I am a professional, hit me as hard as you can right in the head with the hammer."

The man shrugged, and hit the magician with all his might. The Magician went flying across the stage, hit the back wall, and immediately fell into a coma. He was rushed to the hospital, and remained in the coma for 20 years.

Twenty years later, he came out of the coma, looked around the hospital room, threw his arms in the air and said "TA DA!!"

I found this one on line:

A magician looking for a new trick went to a newly opened magic shop. The clerk handed him an ordinary-looking pair of glasses and said, "Only $1,000."

The magician was shocked. "A thousand bucks for a pair of glasses?"

"Try 'em on; they're special glasses."

He tried them on and suddenly the clerk was naked. So were the female shoppers! He removed the glasses and everyone was clothed. "Sold!", he said.

Riding the bus home, he put the glasses on again. The bus driver was naked and all the passengers were naked! He took them off and everyone was clothed again. When he got home, he put his new glasses on before opening the front door. When he entered the living room, there on the sofa were his wife and his best friend, naked! He took the glasses off, but they were still naked.

"***!" he said. "A thousand bucks for a magic trick and in 30 minutes it's already broken!"

Child: "Mommy, when I grow up, I want to be a magician!"

Mother: "Sorry Johnny, you can't do both!"

I did a show for a nudist colony...When they sat down, I thought I was
getting a round of applause..

Why did the magician cross the road??

A. To get to his gig.

















B. Show his new ellusionist magic trick to the gangsters init.
c. He lost his doves and went after the chicken.
D. No matter where you go in life, its hard to get far with out crossing a road.
E. Well, why not?
F. There was a sale of pink bikes at davenports.
G. "Oh look a chicken!"
H. He wanted to perform the chicken head decaptiation, however with lack of magic knowlege, the head won't simply stick on.
I. To test out his new double lift.
J. To chase after the anti-grav levitation creator " Heyyy! I want my money back!!!!"
K. He was a hack...he wanted to know what was the paper had said that someone stuck on someone elses back...kick me he muses to him self...."I'll use that one"
Where the hell is L?
M. so matt colman can make 26 stupid reasons why.
N. He found a guy with long pretty hair and open shirts thinking it was Copperfield.
O. Blackpool registration desk in opening in 2 mins!
P. Some one ran off with his sharpie!
Q. He forgot to give a spectator a business card
R. Cause he's got to much time on his hands.
S. To get to the nearest internet Café to create a magic forum alias.
T. To throttle Juan King. (I love that guy really)
U. To see if Matt Colman really knows his alphabet...
W. He young, he's cool and who's gonna stop the new kid on the block..."Oh sh*t hide, its Dai Vernon! he's gonna correct my bad ass.
Y. Its a new trick by Ellusionist. How to float across the road "Just don't look at my feet guys look at my face, and ignore the spit."
V. See L.
X. Cause he's got to much time on his hands.
Z. To see if there was a joke somewhere in it.




L....He was so curious to see where the *** chicken went after it crossed the road!

Ya know what's better than a dead mime????

Nothing.

I know it's not a magician joke, but I love dead mime jokes.

What is the difference between a magician and a deck of cards.

A deck of cards has more then one suit.

I did a magic show for dwarfs...I got 3 standing ovations, and didn't
even know it..

How many magicians does it take to cange a lightbulb?

3.

1 to change it into a rabit,
1 to say he could do it better.
and 1 to say he did it first

And an attorney to file a lawsuit againt the magician because it is an exclusive property of David Copperfield.

Rufus the Magician had just finished performing at a rather seedy club in a bad part of the city and was walking down a long, dark back alley to where he had parked his car, when some muggers came out of the shadows carrying baseball bats.

They began to beat him with the bats, but Rufus put up a heck of a defense, being in much better physical shape than they were. However, there were three of them and only one of him, so eventually they grabbed hold of his arms and held on until he stopped struggling. Then the biggest of the muggers went through his pockets and found a grand total of thirty-five cents.

"You put up a fight like that for a lousy thirty-five cents?" the mugger asked him in amazement.

"Oh, is that all you wanted?" asked Rufus. "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I got hidden in my shoe."

Q: How can you tell when a professional magician is on his way to work?
A: By the Pizza Hut sign on top of his car.

Q: What's the difference between a Pizza and a magician?
A: A Pizza can feed a family of four.

A magician was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The magician, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The magician felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the magician crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the magician what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman (actually a famous witch) told the magician not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

The magician was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the magician could read the label. It said: " Hair Spray. Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."

(This joke also makes good patter for Rabbit Wringer trick)

A ventriloquist was unable to get any bookings, so he decided to become a spiritualist and opened up a medium’s parlor. His first patron was a rich widow who wanted to talk to her dear, departed husband.

The ventriloquist went into his medium’s act and the widow was delighted to hear her husband’s voice speaking to her from the air.

After the séance was over, the widow gave the ventriloquist five hundred dollars and asked if she might come again the following week to talk to her departed husband once more.

The ventriloquist was so excited by her cash payment and so eager to get more work he said, “Madame, I’ll not only let your dead husband speak to you next week, but I’ll drink a glass of water at the same time!”

A magic club hired an efficiency expert to give them a lecture on how to use efficiency techniques in magic. The expert, who was also a magician, showed them how to place their props in just the right spots so they could efficiently access them at just the right moments in the show. He showed them how they wasted time setting up and packing down. He showed them the best ways to keep volunteers from slowing down a show.

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: “You don’t want to try any of these techniques at home.”

“Why not?” asked someone from the back of the audience.

“Well, I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.

‘Honey,’ I suggested, ‘Why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’“

The voice from the back asked, “Did it save time?”

The expert replied, “Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get my breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.”

I got into a car acciedent with a magician.....

He came out of nowhere!