Payne, I must have found the other Perfect Woman. My wife is a school teacher and in the summer she travels with me to all of my shows, helps set-up, and take down, she has very little interest in Magic but she is FOND of spending time together. I also have made it a rule, that wherever I am at, I make it a point to call home before she goes to bed and we talk for half an hour or so. We are totally commited to each other and not our jobs. We keep open communication with each other. I decided a long time ago not to MARRY MAGIC. I married my wife and she is more important to me than MAGIC. And I do not stay out late with the fellas in magic I GO HOME TO MY WIFE. My wife is the BEST in the world.

Rodney

So sorry to hear of your troubles, Steve! In my younger days, I was consumed with police work. It was my life. I moved into supervising plain clothes and with it any semblance of a set schedule vanished faster than a deck of cards in McBride's hand. 24/7 On-Call. I thrived on the challenges of the hunt. My ex-wife was considerably less enthusiastic and found other forms of entertainment - so to speak. I was smart enough to realize that the fault had been entirely mine and stayed single until I retired in '92.

Now, my passion is entertaining...but, I'm careful to block significant time for my wife. I gave up stand-up comedy against my wife's protests (except for the rare local gig) because it required nearly constant travel to make any thing close to a living. I rarely accept gigs that require more than a night or two away from home.

We travel, we share interests (she's a rabid Hockey fanatic...no, make that FANATIC!!!) and we physically schedule time for one another. Last year we spent a week at Gettysburg and Philadelphia to satisfy my penchant for history. Then we spent ten days following (stalking?) the Carolina Hurricanes NHL team to away games. We have a date night at least once a week. I cook dinner for her one night and she cooks dinner for me the next. And there's no such thing as "A wife's job is..." and "A husband's job is..." We share every task and simply do what's needed.

You can't serve two mistresses no matter how hard you try and bringing home the bacon and providing a good life for the family is no longer a suitable substitute for the "Now-You-See-Him-Now-You-Don't" husband and father (or wife and mother for that matter). Any relationship, professional or personal, takes effort and constant, conscious care.

Wish you the best, Steve! Next time hold out until you meet someone who recognizes the names "Blackstone" and "Thurston" - THEN you may be onto something!

My marriage is less than a year old and I've heard from quite a few magicians that magic and marriage don't always mix. >GULP<

Gaddy, don't feel bad, the only think marriage tends to mix with well is fanatical religion and mass breeding. Without those distractions marriage pretty much sucks.

I wouldn't say that. Our local (Retired) magic shop owner and his lovely wife have been married 52 years. Several Ring members are not far behind that record. My wife and I have been very happy together for 12+ years. Our current magic shop owner and his lovely bride of nearly 20 years are still clearly happy and devoted to one another. It isn't magic that's the foe...it's how well you include your passion for your family with your passion for magic. Keep the focus where it counts the most!

I told him that! It is the wives that are the problem!

Santa, you either have the most understanding and tolerant lady in the world - or you have her bound and gagged in the basement. Happy anniversary!

Hahahahahaha!

My wife and daughter thought that was extremly funny!

:)

It's way better to have you blowing money and time on magic than chasing skirts around in the pubs and clubs....that's her way of thinkin'!

Although you can't change another, you can change yourself. I choose to be committed, willing to apologize and also willing to work on myself to the betterment of the relationship, even if my wife does not. I am going to counseling to help myself grow.

I heard a great quote. It's not, "I'll take care of you, and you take care of me." It's "I'll take care of me, for you. And you take care of you, for me." That takes the focus off of selfishness.

I learned about these resources a little too late, but I highly recommend "His Needs Her Needs" and "Love Busters" by Dr. Willard Harley. And I also recommend going to the Family Life Marriage Conference.

Some of the common issues of conflict have to do with financial security and also recreational companionship ("playing together"). Another challenge for me was the issue of honesty and openness (believe it or not, a magician can be honest! ).

- Donald

My wife is far from perfect.

But she's very, very rich.

Nuffsaid.

Jeff

I can't believe she wouldn't let us wear our shoes on her rugs tho =(

My wife and I have very little in common, yet, we share a lot. We care for and admire one another, plus, we never go off bitter over a disagreement.

Steve, I mean NO Disrespect but perhaps you need to take a look at yourself and what you are doing wrong. Have the divorces been mutual or has she just said that she wanted a divorce? I think that you need to do a personal inventory on your life and then seek some counseling from a professional. Perhaps you are the one that needs to make a change. MEN in general most always hide their feelings and it seems that it is time for you to evaluate what is most important in your life. Is it being ALONE without female companionship or does MAGIC take over and consume your life? Which DO you want more MAGIC or a LIFE with a Beautiful Lady? It is your choice, but 3-times is a charm. Do an evaluation and see what you come up with. I am OLD fashioned (41) and I believe in Marriage till death do us part. If MAGIC ever got in the way of my marriage then MAGIC would have to go. I LOVE MY WIFE!!!!!

Rodney

STeve, it's not you...

it's them...


Ummmm, yeah that's it.

People are people. Women are not. Do what they tell ya and kiss em where it makes them giggle. That's the secret to life my friend.

Rodney,

For discussion's sake - Suppose that what you do for a living, be it magic, or landscaping or comedy or whatever was how you made the bulk of your living. You're good at it. You love doing it. It fits your passion which is why you're so successful. It pays the bills and gives you and your family a good lifestyle. The wife knew your passion when you married but no longer shares your joy. In fact, she hates what you do and it's causing friction. I adore my life mate and would be lost without her...but I'd be hard pressed to give up what I'm best at and take a nine-to-five drudge job that I'm miserable in. If we can't compromise and work out a mutually viable solution...that would be a tough call.

Skip
Just how well do you know my first wife?

:rotf:

Read Only if YOU want to seriously prevent Divorce.
This is not meant to lecture, but inform, share one's thoughts, actions, and opinion related to a successful marriage. I write this the day before I celebrate my 30th Anniversary, in doing so, it is a self reflection and evaluation of the past 40 plus years.


Top reasons why American Women said they'd gotten divorced

• Communication problems (69.7 percent);
  
• Unhappiness (59.9 percent);
  
• Incompatible with spouse (56.4 percent);
  
• Emotional abuse (55.5 percent);
  
• Financial problems (32.9 percent);
  
• Sexual problems (32.1 percent);
  
• Spouse's alcohol abuse (30.0 percent);
  
• Spousal infidelity (25.2 percent); and
  
• Physical abuse (21.7 percent).
  

Top reasons why American Men said they'd gotten divorced

• Communication problems (59.3 percent);
  
• Incompatible with spouse (44.7 percent);
  
• Unhappiness (46.9 percent);
  
• Emotional abuse (24.7 percent);
  
• Financial problems (28.7 percent); and
  
• Sexual problems (30.2 percent).
  

1. Communication breakdown ("What we have HERE is a Failure to Communicate")
Over Half of Divorces result for a breakdown in communication. Failed Communications result in conflict. After having lived with a spouse for a number of years, it may become apparent that the couple becomes unable to communicate in a normal, meaningful fashion. Either spouse's inability to avoid exchanges which invariably result in conflict is representative of a communication breakdown in the marriage. In extreme cases, especially if accompanied by abusive tendencies or other symptoms of dysfunction, a growing inability to deal with any verbal exchanges without conflict could be indicative of a much more serious problem that requires the attention of a mental health professional. More often, however, growing differences between the spouses which may have their roots in other causes are to blame for communication breakdowns, such as financial matters, religion, addiction, infidelity etc..

Improving Communications:
Know communication is a leading cause of divorces, one must learn "HOW to COMMUNICATE" Learn about Personality Styles which will lead to understanding why we say the things we do. This is the single most powerful tool to be successful in communications, with the wife, the children, and the clients we serve. The best $40 you will ever spend to improve your communications with others. see: Relationship Strategies Here on the Café, we see numerous conflicts. Most of them are because the personality styles differ so dramatically. Just knowing you and so-in-so are opposite, is the first step in realizing that conflict will occur. Being married to one, pretty much dooms a relationship. See also:The Power of Listening

2. Unhappiness
Why is or will your spouse be unhappy leading to divorce? Obviously from the above statistics, each area leads to unhappiness. Religion, child rearing and cultural differences strain a relationship leading to both parties being unhappy. One partner can be bored with the other. Is your partner bored with magic? Spending more time with magic and less with the other will also put a strain on a relationship.

Finding "Happiness"
If you ask ten persons what is happiness, they will give you ten different answers. Yes you can describe what it is that makes you feel happy. Is it money? Money will not give you happiness if you don't have how to spend it, invest it, and properly deal with it. (Lottery winners as well as rich people have a high suicide rate. All the money in the world is useless if you don't have the health to spend it.) Each of the above statistics clearly has an effect on happiness. You annot be happy if you cannot understand otheres why they say and do the things they do, hence the importance of communication and understanding Relationship Strategies . After 50 years of being both happy and unhappy, I finally found out what is "Happiness", to which I would like to sare this with you. "Don't look for it because you won't find it. You can read about it but not see it. To receive happiness, YOU MUST GIVE IT!" It may surprise you on how many people do't know this.

3. Incompatible with spouse
Couples of mixed ethnicity, religion, or from significantly different cultures may find themselves being pressured by the expectations of their spouse, or their spouse's culture to conform to the ideals of the other. This may include resentment at having to observe the dietary taboos of a culture, or more seriously, disputes over the spiritual development of any children. Most parents prefer that their children be the same religion as themselves, which immediately creates tension even in relatively happy multicultural marriages. If a couple can't Communicate and resolve thier differences early in life, preferable before marragiage, then incompatability results. Hence the importance of a premarital education which reduces the chances of divorce by on-third. One again, if one does not understand how thier Personality style mixes with their intended partner or present partner, then imcompatability could already exists. How one deals with the household income is a major issue in compatability. Differences, will result in Unhappiness, Communication, and Emotional stress.

Determining Compatability with Spouse
If you don't know yourself, the why you say and do the things you do, then you can't know your partner. Yes, it is easy to say, "I know me!" Did you know you are drawn to the person opposite of you? Only because they are different and it is that difference that attacts each other initially. Unfortunately, like magnets, opposites eventully repel each other. Think about it. Wouldn't it be nice if you and your partner had near idential values, morals, and religious beliefs? Add in compatability on financial matters, sexual pleasures and educational levels for yourselves and children. It sounds like a perfect relationship, communications is there, work on giving your partner happiness, really making an effort to provide that same joy you giveto your audience, give to you wife and a successful marriage is most likely. Again, the single most important action you can do is to understand Relationship Strategies You will spend thousands of dollars to make your audience happy, consider spending $40 to make youeself know who you really are and how you fit in the social mix of others. By the way, learning this can be accomplished through many years of college training in psychology, and fully understanding the 32 personalities of the complex Myer's Briggs test, OR learn from a easy to understand method by Tony Alseandra's explaniation.

4. Sexual Problems: Infidelity
It could be argued that infidelity within marriages is a reaction by a spouse to the real breakdown of the marriage, and is not itself the cause. Either way, it is cited as the cause for nearly a third of US divorces and is therefore the most common reason for divorce. Some surveys have shown that adultery occurs in over half of failed marriages. Spouses may be unfaithful consistently during an affair, intermittently, or just once in a one night stand. Common explanations for unfaithfulness include resentment or anger (with the other spouse), sexual boredom, and many of the other causes of marital failure.

Faithfulness and Love
The audience laughed when Superman said to Lois Lane question, "Why are you Here?" and Superman responded in "Truth, Justice, and the American Way!" A success marriage must be based on truth, lies will result from being unfaithful. Absoulte fidelity, is a wonderful feeling. Trusting each other without ever worrying or considering the other to be unfaithful. This wonderful feeling is fragile and can be shattered easily. Nurturing trust, starts with communications, knowing each others beliefs, feelings, likes and dislikes can only enhance a relationship. Like "happiness", LOVE cannot be defined explicitly. We know how it feels to be loved, we see others, that appear to love each other. We also know what it is like to be unloved. Eric Fromm's book on Love reads like a college textbook, which is very difficult to grasp what is being said. It is powerful, and each sentence is very important. Like Happiness, LOVE is something you can only give without ANY expectaion of return. Give LOVE frequently, to your spouse and your children.

5. Financial Problems (Money Matters)
One of the most common reasons for divorce is economic strain or collapse of the family. If a couple makes less than $50,000 the chance of divorce increases. (Do you make this as an Entertainer/Magician?) Every couple has to deal with money at some stage, and when there is not enough to go around, differences in temperament and priorities are brought to a head. Even if there is no debt incurred, disagreements over the allocation of money and resources within the marriage and the home can often be enough to end an already irritated relationship. Poor financial decisons is a big reason for divorce. The expression "money is the root of all evil" could very well be true. All the money in the world can't buy happiness or love or good health. Yes, I know the comedy line, "But it sure can make misery a lot easier to deal with" (Not a very true statement.)

Money
We are back to Communications. When there isn't enough money to pay the basic essentials, life comes to a grinding halt. Couples who don't know how to do this, or when one partner has total control, it leads to unhappiness. There is a direct relationship with education and financial success. Credit Card debt is like a grave yard. You dig a hole and fall into it and struggle to get out. I enjopy watching Suzy Orman because she is the expert in this area. I subscribe to the belief, that "You can never gain financial success by working for someone". Can magic give you financial freedom? That can be a hotly debateable topic, with many factors and variables. For most, No, for some Yes, for many, they work very hard to get it. The road to financial freedom is to "Find a NEED that many have and fill it, providing otheres can't easily duplicate it". Lets take magic. What style of magic do most magicians perform? Children, Close-up, Stage Magic... What product can you invent/produce that will appeal to the masses of the small social group call magicians? Can it be easily duplicated (copied)? As one tobacco billionare said, "The greatest product cost pennies to make, sells for a dime, and it is addicting." The person who invented the card jack is a billionaire. What does every household have? Car, TV, Computer, Phone, etc. Find a problem, Develop a product related to fixing it, and market it. Finally, remember, none of this is possible without the mutual agreement of your partner.

6. Abuse & Addiction Physical, psychological, or emotional abuse
Where either spouse is frequently abusive towards children or each other, the other spouse has clear grounds for divorce. Physical abuse includes violence, fighting, manhandling, and physical bullying of an individual. Psychological and emotional abuse can be as seemingly innocuous as verbal insults, and can range to taunting, humiliation, intimidation, and consistent negative reinforcement.

An addiction is an acquired compulsion to repeatedly engage in an activity, to the point that it negatively affects other priorities. Addiction is therefore NOT a phenomenon limited to drugs alone. Anything you do compulsively that begins to encroach on your ability to function can probably be called an addiction. Does Magic fit into this catagory? Does Computer usage fall into this category? It is therefore possible to be addicted to food, gambling, drugs and alcohol, the Internet, games, MAGIC and any of a host of other things. An addiction that can be shown to be causing harm is an acceptable reason for the granting of an at-fault divorce.

Fighting Addiction & Abuse
The first step is awareness, the second step is action to prevent it. Communication prior to and during a marraige is extremely important. One must foster to give LOVE and HAPPINESS to their partner. Find the time to be with and share the joys of that person you promised to care for, and share your life with. Are you willing to give up Magic if that is a choice? Only through understanding people, including your spouse, and feeding that relationship you will not starve that relationship.
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The above information comes from years of experience, some internet research, and personal observation. My son asked us Why we never fight, all his friends parents do? I think my answer is stated above. One must learn about themselves first, read books other than Magic Books. One must feed the "mind", learn about why others say and do the things they say and do.

I want to leave you with this thought, "Why do the rich volunteer?"

Dang, Al...We married the same woman?!?!?