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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Penny for your thoughts » » very funny ha-ha (2 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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Drewmcadam
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Inner circle
Scotland
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Need help guys… I want to include a couple of SHORT jokes about mindreaders in my set. Eg

It was a hot day and this fella’ wanted to go for a swim in the lake. Unfortunately he didn’t have a swimming costume. It was an isolated spot, so he just stripped off and jumped in.

A few minutes later, two little old ladies came along. In a panic, and with his clothes too far away to reach, he spotted an old bucket on the shore. Quickly scooping it up, he covered his private parts and grinned sheepishly.

“As the old dears drew nearer, one of the ladies said: “I have an amazing gift, you know, young man… I can read minds.”

“Impossible,” said the man. “Can you read what’s in my mind?”

The old lady smiled. “Right now, I bet you’re thinking that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom!”
John Pezzullo
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Sydney AUSTRALIA
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Drew,

A cartoon from the cover of an old issue of "The New Tops" had two mindreaders shaking hands and greeting one another, with one of them saying to the other:

"You're feeling fine! How am I doing?"

I'm certain that this 'image' can be worked into a short joke.

Regards,


John
"One arrow. One life."
Mikael Eriksson
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None of your business
1064 Posts

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You know Drew, I few days ago I went to a fair, and there was a tent with a big sign saying:"Madame Inga tells your future!"
Beneith it there was another sign saying:"Closed due to events we could not foresee." Smile

Again, my translation might be wrong, but you get the picture!

Feel free to modify it any way you like.

Mikael
DoctorAmazo
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Florida
643 Posts

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Something about: Did ya ever wonder why mindreaders have to advertise their meetings/conventions/etc...
leondo
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Las Vegas
759 Posts

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I fell in love with a psychic but she dumped me before we met!
Ted (Leondo)
Axman
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Emo Phillips once said on a british tv show "any psychics in the audience, please raise my hand". I never forgot it.
Ian Rowland
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London
876 Posts

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I rang Psychic News the other day. They said '£12 plus postage'. I said, 'How much is a subscription?'.

I've got a book on the paranormal at home. I didn't buy it, it just appeared there one day. (Paul Merton).

My wife's pretty stupid. She told me that the word 'gullible' wasn't in the dictionary, but the joke's on her 'cos I checked and it is.

Did you ever get that feeling you've had a sudden glimpse into the future? Did you ever get that feeling you've had a sudden glimpse into the future?

I'm a dyslexic mind-reader. I have the gift of EPS.

Mind-reading is a gift we all have. [Take out a playing card with its back to the audience]. You, sir, name ANY card! [Whatever he says, look at the card, smile. Shout 'Correct!' and put it back in your pocket without showing it].

The difference between a magician and a psychologist is that one pulls rabbits out of a hat while the other pulls habits out of a rat.

Telepathy is the silent, unspoken control of a dominant mind over a weaker mind. Another name for it is marriage.
www.ianrowland.com . Working Magic.
Greg Arce
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A midget psychic was imprisoned because of her fraudulent tactics. She escaped and the headlines read:
Small Medium at Large.

Cannibals call psychics: Food for Thought
One of my favorite quotes: "A critic is a legless man who teaches running."
Banachek
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Houston
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Here's a few but only in the right place:

1. I'm often asked if anyone else in my family is psychic. Not really, but I did have an uncle who knew he exact day and time he was going to die....No big mystery, the Judge told him.

2. Being a thought reader sometimes has its benefits and its downfalls. For instance the other night I'm sitting at the bar and this lady is next to me and she starts to think that I have nice hair. I think it is flattering so I do not say anything. A few minutes later she starts thinking I have beautiful eyes, again, flatering but I'm not about to let her know I know what she is thinking. Next she starts thinking I have a real nice butt, that was when enough was enough and I shouted, Mom!!! (has to be said in such a way they realize the women sitting next to you was your mother)

3. So grandpa the other day gets up and at breakfast tells me, "son, you know that ESP thing you do, you know, the way you make objects move and stuff. Well last night I got up and went to the bathroom (loo for our English friends)to relieve myself, I was opening the door and was able to make the light go on just by thinking about it."

It was just at that moment that Grandma yelled out from the kitchen, "Who peed in the fridge again?" Smile
In thoughts and Friendship
Banachek
Campus Performer of the Year two years in a row
Year 2000 Campus Novelty Act
PEA Creativity Award Recipient
http://www.banachek.com
ddyment
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Gibsons, BC, Canada
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Ricky Jay has a funny line he occasionally uses. When speaking with a *male*, for example, he will say "Well, I only claim to be 90% correct, Ma'am!"

... Doug
"Calculated Thoughts" is available at Vanishing Inc. and The Deceptionary :: Elegant, Literate, Contemporary Mentalism ... and More
Hal Weaver
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People ask me how I learned to be a psychic. Well, I answered an ad in a magazine for a mailorder course in mindreading. I sent them the tuition and everyday I would go down to the mail box to see if the first lesson had come. Finally, after a month with nothing in the box, I called them and talked to the registrar.

I said I had been going to the mailbox every day and I hadn't received a lesson from them. The Registrar said, of course not, we send the lessons by telepathy, and you've failed the course.

So I ran away and joined the circus, and I've
never been heard from again.

Hal
Munskin
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Cheshire, UK
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Maybe you could create your own, comical version of a psychic newspaper? You could be seen to be browsing through it as you walk on and introduce yourself. You could even make it part of a routine and let the spectator keep it as a keepsake. Just an idea.
magus
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Huntington Beach, Ca
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If you can, be sure to go to the annual ESP convention this year.

You'll know where.
crappy deium-



what a lousy day to be seized



thaumometer-



a device for measuring a magical field
saglaser
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Champaign, IL
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The annual psychic's picnic for 2007 has been postponed due to rain.
Mr Amazing
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quick (filler) joke for your act:
Palm reader: ...and as we look on your life-line, I can see problems... something is bothering you... a rough feeling... but it's only on the surface...
Client: Well, yes, I have psoriasis (pointing to hand)
Zodiac
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WA
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say this if something goes wrong.

I think I just experienced Vu Deja. You know what that is. It's where something happens thats never happend before. Smile
What's on your mind?
gordo
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How many people here believe in reincarnation?
(Performer) Welcome back!

If no one says anything say, "No neither did I first time around."

(after doing something weird,erie) "When I get up in the morning...I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do."

I wanted to be a fortune teller but I couldn't see a future in it.

gordo
Mikael Eriksson
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None of your business
1064 Posts

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"You are a completely unique and distinct individual. Just like everyone else."

Mikael
mysticz
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D.C. metro area
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Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Joe Zabel
"Psychic Sorcery"

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

-- Shakespeare's Hamlet I.v. 174-175
Mr Amazing
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"This sentence is completely irrelevant"

/Matias
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