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abbylondon New user 54 Posts 
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This post is about bullying between kids, not as much about heckling the magician.
I was at a magician's convention recently and people were discussing bullying, bickering and other behavioral problems in child audiences. I heard magicians saying "there's nothing you can do." I disagree. We have options, however limited. Do we have a duty to try to address such problems for the safety and comfort of our audiences? A great show and behavior modification oftens distract "problem" kids from being aggressive. In rare cases where that's not enough, I think we should address the problem overtly without getting locked into an ongoing back and forth with the bully. I've drafted a bullying policy which reflects my first line of defense and tips parents on what to expect. It is item 10-h at http://www.abbylondon.com/Birthday%20Party%20Agreement.pdf What do you think of the policy? What proportion of parents in the room do you think are grateful versus resentful of it? And what other suggestions do you have for limiting behavior that is unsafe or unacceptable?
Abby London
http://www.abbylondon.com |
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Joseph_Then Special user 747 Posts
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Quote:
I was at a magician's convention recently and people were discussing bullying, bickering and other behavioral problems in child audiences. I heard magicians saying "there's nothing you can do." I disagree. We have options, however limited. Do we have a duty to try to address such problems for the safety and comfort of our audiences? I think there is some truth when we say "There's nothing you can do". You only have this much time in a birthday party You are NOT their relative nor their parents You are an entertainer, not a teacher You are paid to entertain, not to discipline There's really nothing much you can do, except to use your experience to move the show to your favor. You can have that clause 10-h, but I think it won't help much. I think it's just there to protect yourself only. |
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abbylondon New user 54 Posts
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So if one child slugs another and you're the only adult there, are you comfortable saying and doing nothing?
Abby London
http://www.abbylondon.com |
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Skip Way Inner circle 3771 Posts
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I agree. We're entertainers and when we step out of that role to assume the role of disciplinarian, even momentarily, we stand to harm the nurtured connection with our audience (as well as the parents who are auditioning us at each appearance). There are tried and true methods for handling problem children during performances in books by David Kaye, Julian Franklin and others. Use them. But, if a child is out of control, seek immediate assistance from a parent or teacher while staying in character.
As to the Bully Policy: Honestly, issues that occur at one party out of twenty aren't worth worrying over. Your phrasing (in my opinion) threatens the exclusion of a child...which may be a major turn off to your clients...especially over issues that the particular client may have no control over. If you feel that such a statement is necessary, I would prefer a statement to the effect that "Abby is an entertainer. Supervision and discipline remains the domain of the party host or hostess. Your assistance is appreciated and will guarantee a fun party for all." :)
How you leave others feeling after an Experience with you becomes your Trademark.
Magic Youth Raleigh - RaleighMagicClub.org |
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Joseph_Then Special user 747 Posts
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The best way to look at the situation is think for a while as a parent or a guest of a birthday party.
Would YOU go and discipline THAT brat(sorry!) who is NOT your child? If you, as a parent, saw an entertainer who is doing his best to 'contain' that bully would you agree that this is a professional entertainer? |
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Skip Way Inner circle 3771 Posts
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Quote:
On 2008-08-26 11:24, abbylondon wrote: Good Grief! My confirmation letter specifically states that a minimum of two adults MUST be present in the room with me at all times. No adults in the room with the children = no ME in the room with the children. That should be your first concern. Look at it this way. You're alone with the children. One child punches another. You verbally correct the child. He runs off crying to his mother that you said bad things to him. The other mothers hear this. Your reputation in this neighborhood is mud...right or wrong.
How you leave others feeling after an Experience with you becomes your Trademark.
Magic Youth Raleigh - RaleighMagicClub.org |
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abbylondon New user 54 Posts
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Interesting. Maybe the role of entertainer and teacher/responsible adult clash. Of course, a kid with a bloody nose crying to his mom because you let it go will also make your name mud.
Yes to having another adult present and to specifying that it's the customer's duty to supervise. Of course that's in the contract as well. But you can't always keep the adult from going in the other room for cake as you do balloons. Wonder if saying it's their responsibility to supervise and also saying you'll address it sends a pretty mixed messege to the customer. Maybe it should be all their responsibility with no responsibility on the magician's part.
Abby London
http://www.abbylondon.com |
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Skip Way Inner circle 3771 Posts
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Quote:
On 2008-08-26 11:46, abbylondon wrote: IF...your character's role is that of a supervisory adult such as an live animal wrangler for a zoo or an edutainer, then you can supervise without stepping out of character. But, if your character, like mine, is a whimsical being focused on laughter or fantasy, then entering the "real world" to discipline a child harms the fantasy image...again, in my opinion. By openly stating the fact that your character is not responsible for discipline within the party, that bloody nose ceases to be your concern or your fault. Generally, during my party appearances, the parents are in the room seated with their children enjoying the show. I actively support bonding experiences between parent and child and believe birthday parties offer this opportunity. My clients mostly all agree. However, during those rare occasions when I am in a separate room with the children and the two required adults get up and leave the room, I go with them; even if this happens in the middle of my show. I do so in a playful manner for the sake of the children as I quietly remind the hostess that I will not stay in the room alone. The adults return and I continue. A man I admire greatly, Rev. Billy Graham, made it a point never to be left alone in a room with any woman outside of his immediate family, regardless of circumstances. It wasn't because neither he nor the lady could be trusted. It was solely to arrest rumors, suspicions and potential harm. In this day and age, no professional performer (male or female) should take such chances. Again...just my opinion. Every one of us has different experiences, viewpoints and objectives.
How you leave others feeling after an Experience with you becomes your Trademark.
Magic Youth Raleigh - RaleighMagicClub.org |
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abbylondon New user 54 Posts
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Yeah, having another adult there is key. Usually many of the parents are there. Interestingly, it seems like when a child presents a stubborn problem, his parent isn't there. That child may be pretty deprived of attention and guidance at home. The parent's not in the room and nobody wants to step up to say anything to someone else's child.
I'm ambivalent about whether to stay popular or to feel like I did the right thing by saying something before the behavior intensifies. Maybe I'm throwing my career under the bus somewhat by being willing to say you gotta stop that to get the goodies. I don't disagree. But I stand by doing the right thing over the popular thing. My question is whether to mention it in the contract. It will turn off some customers. Thankfully such behavior is pretty rare at my shows, and usually attention can be diverted away from the problem and it subsides on its own.
Abby London
http://www.abbylondon.com |
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Neale Bacon Inner circle Burnaby BC Canada 1775 Posts
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I always insist on other adults being there, and letting them be the disciplinarian at birthday shows.
That being said, I have actually just started writing an anti-bully ventriloquism show aimed at preschools. Bullying is definitely a serious problem today and sadly it starts very young.
Neale Bacon and his Crazy Critters
Burnaby BC Canada's Favourite Family Ventriloquist www.baconandfriends.com |
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Joseph_Then Special user 747 Posts
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One way to get the adults to be in the show is phrase it differently.
Like: "We would invite all adults to watch the show with the children. This is to build strong family bonds with the kids" This should get the parents to watch the show with the kids, and fulfill your purpose of wanting the adults to be at the show without demanding it. |
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Skip Way Inner circle 3771 Posts
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Joseph! Have you been sneaking into my parties?
You're exactly right. I've found that since inviting parents to sit with their children, everyone has more fun...especially me! Most of my word-of-mouth and repeat bookings have come from the "Bonding" features of my shows. As for adding the anti-bully statement to your contract, Abby...keep in mind that we all have our own opinions and goals...but, I prefer to keep my confirmation letters positive, light and simple. I do include a Birthday Party Survival Booklet for the hostess, though, and this is where I list things like "Put the family pet out of harm's way..." If I were inclined to post an anti-bully and discipline related "warning" this is where I would put it. As previously stated, though, I personally wouldn't bother with it...it's just too negative and I've already assigned all discipline issues to the hostess and her room chaperons. You have to do what your heart and mind think are right.
How you leave others feeling after an Experience with you becomes your Trademark.
Magic Youth Raleigh - RaleighMagicClub.org |
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abbylondon New user 54 Posts
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Good advice. Thanks! I reckon it's best to take it out of the contract. I can quietly hold the option in reserve for the rare times when it's needed.
Abby London
http://www.abbylondon.com |
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Joseph_Then Special user 747 Posts
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Quote:
On 2008-08-27 07:05, Skip Way wrote: Yes... Did you see happen to see a guy with 2 bird on his arms coming to your party last week?  |
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Donald Dunphy Inner circle Victoria, BC, Canada 7565 Posts
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I provide a FAQs page to the parents with tips for running a smooth party, including clarification that I'm there to entertain and not to discipline, and that adult supervision is required. I also encourage the parents in print, and on the phone, to watch the show with the kids and to take lots of photos and video (they can't be out of the room if they are taking photos.)
Here are a couple of other ideas I've picked up, when kids are fighting at a show. Sometimes I start off initially ignoring the negative behavior, hoping it will stop on it's own. Then, first warning. Ask them to stop. Maybe even say, "Would you like me to tell your mom what you are doing?" Second time. Divide and conquer. Say to the child, "I need you to help me." Ask the child to stand up, and move over and sit down right beside a parent. You are also moving them away from the other child(ren) they are fighting with. This will lose your audience for a moment. What I mean by that, is they might be in shock and not react as much (clapping, laughing) to the next portion of the show. Because you played "the heavy" for a moment. However, if you handle it right (attitude - it's dealt with, and now I'm moving on back to having fun... and also remember to still include that child from their new seating position), you will gain them back again, and parents will thank you (in the end) for taking charge. You might see some behavior that they didn't see, because you have a different vantage point. I've only had to do this once at a party, and I still got tipped. - Donald
Donald Dunphy is a Victoria Magician, British Columbia, Canada.
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Joseph_Then Special user 747 Posts
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Well, wait till you get not the kids who starts bickering in party, but it's a adults bickering and swearing at each other IN A BIRTHDAY PARTY!
That is more challenging! I had it once! |
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SillverFoxx Loyal user A Foxx in Her Soxx has... 224 Posts
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Quote:
On 2008-08-27 11:14, Donald Dunphy wrote: I like your ideas... but as a teacher, I'd recommend doing this one right out of the gate. Don't ignore it and don't wait. As soon as you see a potential problem brewing, head it off. If you let it escalate at all, the show will be ruined for the kid who is being picked on, probably they kids around him who witnessed it, and then you'll still have to deal with the bully himself. And probably his parents, because let's face it, he had to learn those tactics from someone. Changing the proximity of the bully and the kid(s) he/she is picking on would be your best bet I think, and you could still make it positive. Either use him as a "volunteer"... cause that would at the very least distract him, maybe even get him to shape up cause you've put him on the spot... or say something like you want to make sure he can see you, so would he please move over there? Translation... you want to make sure you and other adults can see him. You can still keep this stuff positive... but I think as adults we owe it to the other kids (the ones being pushed around) to make sure they can feel safe and enjoy the show. |
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socalmagic Loyal user Los Angeles 267 Posts
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I don't perform at parties anymore, but I do a lot of assemblies and family nights. I have no problem stopping the show, and telling the problem child that is not appropriate to hit another person. I then ask him (usually a boy) to get up and sit with his parents or teacher.
Likewise, in a non-performance situation, I have no problem telling children I do not know that their behavior is not acceptable. If their parents have a problem with it, then too bad. We should expect proper behavior from all people in our community, especially the children. It takes a village, and even more so if parents refuse to take responsibility for the behavior of their children. |
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LVMagicAL Elite user 460 Posts
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I include the following language in my confirmation letter to the parent of the birthday child:
"For the safety, security and enjoyment of the show for all involved, Client agrees to have a minimum of two adults present to supervise children during all times performer is present and performing. This is an important issue and performer reserves the right to discontinue the performance immediately if adequate adult supervision is not provided. No refunds are offered and full show fee will be due if performance is cancelled for lack of adult supervision." Much like Billy Graham, I don't want anyone to ever have an opportunity to allege impropriety on my part. An allegation of improper behavior on my part could easily ruin my reputation and that is the primary reason I've included the language in my letter....I guess that same adult supervision is part of the reason I rarely have to deal with such unruly bullies and those type of situations. |
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KC Cameron Inner circle Raleigh, North Carolina 1944 Posts
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I never ask for adults to be present. That way I can slap those lil' buggers around! *G*
Actually, I don't ask for adults to be around in a BP. They always are. I do my best to make my show fun for them too. The only time this is a problem is when I am hired as an expensive baby sitter at a wedding or big adult function. Then I make it clear I need other adults there to supervise or I may have to interrupt their function. They always have others there. |
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Posted: Aug 26, 2008 02:55 pm 
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