There was that thread in the clothing forum by that young dandy who offered everyone advice on clothes.

I thought that I could offer a similar service to Café members by offering my own bit of expertise on the thing I know the most about.

First, my credentials.

1. In terms of sheer quantity, I have probably put away more beer--both in volume and variety--than 99.99 percent of the members of this forum.

2. I can't think of anything else. #1 should be enough.

Before you start throwing your multitude of questions at me, I thought I would give some general tips to learning how to enjoy beer in a more expert manner. Here are the most important things:

1. Fresh beer is ALWAYS better than unfresh beer. That means you should always prefer the keg to the bottle. Always. Except:

2. Varieties of beer bottled with a portion of yeast (such as hefeweizen or Trappist beers from Belgium) are ALWAYS better in the bottle than from a keg.

3. The best flavor comes from beer at a proper temperature. "Proper temperature" is relative to your taste, of course; but if you like your beer ice cold you might as well drink fermented horse pee pee--you're drinking for effect and not flavor. You want cool and refreshing and a bit of a buzz, but not taste. Sounds totally defensible, but that's not why we're here in this thread.

4. Use a proper glass. A true connoisseur would never drink beer from the bottle, no matter at what temperature. Only barbarians drink beer straight from the bottle. A proper glass is different for different types of beer. A pilsner glass has a bulb at the bottom but a narrower throat to maintain a nice head. A hefeweizen glass, on the other hand, is narrow at the bottom and wide at the top. This is so that the yeast sediment remains at the bottom.

5. Beer from a keg should be tapped very slowly. The reason for this is that the proper carbonation level is nearly impossible to produce at high speed. Beer in American bars is carbonated way too highly--like Coke. Beer should not fizz like Coke. If it does, and you like it, you are a barbarian.

Likewise, bottled beer is usually way too fizzy--which is why you should pour it into a glass and wait five minutes. In the same way, hefeweizen from a keg is not fizzy enough.

6. Beers with a high alcohol content are a specialty item, and should be avoided except on special occasions. This means anything above 7 or 8%. Actually, my own taste dictates that 7 or 8% is a special occasion, and I seldom do it more than once or twice per year. If you need more alcohol, do shots between beers.

7. Flavorings in beer. Hm. In general, I despise flavorings in beer and think that people who like flavorings in beer are barbarians.

TRUE STORY: once a waitress accidentally brought me a hefeweizen with banana juice in it. My immediate reaction was to accuse her of bringing me rotten beer. The banana juice smelled like spoilage to me. (Then again, I haven't had any vitamins in years.) I sent her back to the bar with a red face and feeling shamed, but I tipped her very well for bringing me a fresh (well, bottled) replacement free of taint.

In Germany, the trend has been to put all sorts of stupid things in beer to attract the younger people--the under 25 folk who've been raised to drink cocktails in discos to wash down their extasy before going home to fornicate with a stranger they just met while dancing. This generation has no morals, and they have no taste. They do not like beer. They want caipirinhas.

So the German beer companies have been putting crap in their beers. They are marketing to barbarians.

From the website of a major national brand:

a. beer with lemon juice
b. beer with energy drink (like Red Bull)
c. beer with cola
d. beer with apple juice
e. beer with caruba (I don't even know what the hell caruba is)
f. beer with cappuccino

Now, there is a traditional drink in Germany in which they water down beer with Sprite or 7-up. This is traditional, and it's meant to refresh you when you are on bicycle tours. You ride your bike for four hours and it's 11:00 AM and you don't want to get plastered because you have another four hours to ride. So you drink one of these mixes. Yes, I've done it. I'm not proud, but I am a barbarian, after all, and I had four more hours to ride.

But beer with caruba? ((I don't even know what the hell caruba is).

Let's leave it at that. I might think of more advice. But for now I'll just sit back and take questions.

Hope this helps.
Thanks in advance.
Insert other Internet forum cliche here.
Jeff

In my professional capacity as a bartender ( and, most likely, a member of the .01% mentioned above ), I agree with everything in this post except for Jeff's apparent distaste for Caipirinhas.

Also, for the fools out there who like their bartenders to put fruit wedges directly into their beers: I suggest you look into a little pathogen called E. Coli and the sort of environment it thrives in...

I've never had a Caipirinha. I gotta try one, real soon.

My point--admittedly obscure--was not that Caipirinhas are a bad thing, but that German youth do not like the taste of beer these days because they have been weened on cocktails. And that is a bad thing, because it means there is a generation in which beer culture is unimportant.

Germany without a beer culture?

Scary thought, isn't it?

As a proud consumer of Portland, Oregon microbrews, I agree with your arguments. I will occasionally drink a Ruby from McMenamin's (a hef with raspberry), but my favorite beer is from Deschutes and is called Obsidian Stout. It's as dark as Neo's sunglasses in The Matrix.



Curt

So, how do you feel about Milwaukee's Best in a can??

I'd drink it.

You are a barbarian. If that's what is touted as "Milwaukee's Best" I'd rather go the "horse..." route.

P.S. I'm a barbarian and .01%'er also and did my fair share to decrease the stockpile of beers when I was in Germany and Austria.

:cheers:

Good point all, but what about the hoses getting cleaned from the tap to the keg? I work as a bartender at times, and often wonder about that...

Do they still have those Lucky Lagers in the bottles with the rebus puzzles inside the cap? Those things were a quarter a bottle when I was in high school (in the mid-80s).

So I gotta ask. What ya'll think of those creative Belgian beers?

I like Hoegaarden! Yumm.
Who's man enough to spend a night drinking this one? Stoney?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotl......0412.stm

All that E.coli and dirty tap hoses are why I prefer hard liquor: high proof = high antiseptic effect.

Jeff- ever brew your own beer? Of course, that may be a huge topic better suited to a different thread...

Schorschbrau Schorschbock has it beat with a 40% alcohol content.

http://www.beertutor.com/beers/index.php?t=highest_alcohol

But to be honest, I think the list above is out of date. Last week, I read about a beer that had an alcohol content approaching 50% but I can't locate the article right now.

I prefer Old Style

The older labels are wonderful. The johnny-come-latelies who produce Trappist style fruit beers that are marketed to children have a special place in hell waiting for them...

Tap hoses are usually cleaned on a regular basis as an in-built service from your local beer distributor. It's in their best interests to do so, and keeping the lines cleaned is not difficult or expensive.

It's the E. Coli on the fruit rinds you gotta worry about...

Seriously.

Milwaukee's Best? O.K.
Old Style? O.K.
Black label? No thank you.

Remember the ads that dissed skunky beer? Those ads cracked me up. I want skunky beer, it's real and has flavor. If I was to live anywhere but the States it would be Germany.

Give me a good old Budweiser any day of the week. Not served room temperature but not ice cold either. I'd say probably around 60 to 65 degrees is about right for my taste buds. Back in late August or early September I was in St Louis where the original Budweiser brewery is located and got to take a tour of it. I have been many places in my life but that place felt like home.

I drink Guinness and it's derivative, Black & Tan.

If I find myself at the River during the summer, I will choke down Coors Light as a nod to the heathens that abound that place.

I only drink Caipirina's in the presence of disgusting amounts of red meat.

I do not fish Olives out of the garnish dishes like many do. I've seen how many guys DO NOT wash their hands after beating up the toilet.

Regarding high alcohol beers, I again say that I don't like them. I have only had a hangover once in the last year, and that was because I was drinking something called "Winterbock". It was about 7.5%, I think. Anyway, I always drink a lot of fluids. Right now, in my abstinence month, I'm drinking about three liters of iced tea per day in addition to the occasional glass of water and morning coffee. The problem with high alcohol beers is that I end up drinking more alcohol than I need or want because the beer is portioned out the same. Two liters of beer is two liters of beer. Unless it isn't.

And 50%? That's just some kind of technological brewer's trick. There is no point in it. Anyone ever heard of pot boilers?

Regarding brewing my own beer: I have always wanted to do that. Always. I used to work in a building that had a mail order company selling home brewery supplies, and I used to gawk at the wares and say, "I MUST try that some day."

The problem is that I'm the sort who wants to do something right or not do it at all, and the way to do it right is very expensive.

Here's the way to do it right:

The Braueule! (The Brew Owl) http://www.brumas.com/index_e.html

In a perfect world, nearly everyone would have one, and you'd exchange brews with your friends on a regular basis, and you'd talk recipes and experiments and have tastings and there would be peace, love, and beer for everyone.

It's my version of solving the world's problems. A man has to dream, hasn't he?