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Profile of submagi
Hey guys and girls. Lately I've been focusing on my presentation. I was wondering if anyone would be kind enought to share some funny one liners or gags. Here's one I picked up from The Amazing Johnathan: You spread the cards faces towards you and backs towards the spectator. Tell them to pick ANY card and you will read their mind and figure out what it is.

Yeah, it's not much. But it does get a laugh. Any lines you use a lot and wouldn't mind sharing? thanks.
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Inner circle
3772 Posts

Profile of twistedace
Card in pocket:
1.)Go ahead and reach in there: I know what you're thinking... my card was a diamond but THAT feels like a club!
2.)Go ahead and reach in my pocket, oh and take your time because it's my birthday (Dave Williamson I think).

Take a card...oooh especially that one or take a card any card and have the card on the bottom of the fan swinging around and moving into their hand (usually funny).

Ok, now if you'd be kind enough to put the card back anywhere I want you to...and just look at them (for some reason the stare makes this funny).

If you happen to drop the cards, which I tend to do from time to time, I usually say: "the king of all motor skills has shown up folks"
If you happen to screw up your patter or just get tongue tied: I usually say "Don't worry folks English is a seventh language for me and I really almost have it down."

Anymore out there? I have tons that just pop out while performing but they're usually due to specific situations that are going on around me.
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Profile of Grandillusionsmagic
"Pick a card any card" they reach for one—"Not that one."

"Please place your card anywhere...preferably twenty cards from the top".
Reis O'Brien
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Seattle, WA
2467 Posts

Profile of Reis O'Brien
"Now I'll just mix the cards up."

Stare at the deck...

"I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you..."
Homo vult decipi; decipiatur
Evan Williams
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439 Posts

Profile of Evan Williams
"Sir that's a very nice shirt, it'll come back in style if you keep wearing it."
- Bill Malone
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Turin, italy
112 Posts

Profile of Hoelderlin
"Hello, sir, is this lady your wife or did someone vomit in your chair?"

Er, no, I think it wouldn't work... Smile
Hölderlin (Massimo Manca) - Circolo Amici della Magia - Turin - Italy.
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Miami, FL
211 Posts

Profile of Zednanreh
Go ahead and shuffle the deck, just don't get the cards out of order.

(If the spectator makes a joke, act insulted and say, "Go ahead Mr. Magician, you run the show now!")

- Alex
So you want to market or sell your trick? Before you do, read this!
G. LaBarre
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Vancouver, B.C. Canada
121 Posts

Profile of G. LaBarre
When you drop something, blame it on GRAVITY!

You say, "That's Gravity, acting up again, and they laughed at Columbus".

(Somebody will correct you and say it was Newton.)

You say," No wonder they laughed at Columbus".
Glen Alan - "The HOW in your Magic should be Secondary to the WOW in your Magic."
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Profile of thehawk
"I could tell you but then I would have to kill you".
First heard it by Lance Burton.
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Profile of Zeiros
OK, this one probably has a VERY limited appeal, but I was performing with a group of astrophysicists* and held up one single card, with the rest of the pack in the other hand:

"Alright so there's a man <gestures to card>, he has a favourite bar <gestures to pack of cards in other hand> you've all heard the joke: 'Bar walks into a man' <brings card and pack together> me choose another reference frame."

I'd guess you need a grounding in Special Relativity or a real interest in popular science, but the places I perform it goes down well.

*No, really, that's what I do for a living
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Seattle, Wa
335 Posts

Profile of zaubern
Just be careful with whose lines you use, you don't want to get in trouble.
Zaubern Smile
Lee Darrow
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Chicago, IL USA
3588 Posts

Profile of Lee Darrow
When you drop something:

Wow, a sudden gust of gravity!

Actually, there's no such thing as gravity, the Earth just sucks!

Lee Darrow, C.Ht.
<BR>"Because NICE Matters!"
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Hollywood, CA
709 Posts

Profile of Leeman
I don't think this is actually a one liner but it is funny. During an ambitious card routine when I do the, set the card on the table and dribble all of the other cars on top except the top one which is your card, I say that this part is like salmon spawning and having to swim upstream.
Dave Schutt
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Profile of Dave Schutt
Aldo Colombini put out two booklets of all one liners. The latest one Funny Stuff has over 300 one liners. The only downside is that they are not well organized, but don't let that stop you. They're funny and it's a quick read. Makes for a good "throne" book if you catch my drift, and if you do, I apologize, here's a courtesy flush just for you... Smile
Dave Schutt
Charlotte, NC
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Los Angeles
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Profile of tjmagic
Here's a couple of general one-liners I've found amusing:
  • "I wonder where the people in Hell tell each other to go?"
  • "As I look into your smiling faces—and believe me, some of your faces need looking into to."
  • Ladies, you must remember that marriage consists of give and take. If he doesn’t give enough, just take it!"
Tim Mannix
<BR>"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig." -- Lazarus Long
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Profile of oldguy
To a drunk heckler, "Why squeak like a mouse, when with a couple of drinks you can roar like a lion?"
Dorian Rhodell
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San Francisco, CA.
1629 Posts

Profile of Dorian Rhodell
Can you hear OK in the rear? That's funny I can't hear out of mine.
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Profile of El_Lamo
You may find some good stuff here:

Cheers - El Lamo
Life is a system of circumstance presented coincidently in an illusory way.
Ron Reid
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Phoenix, Arizona
2733 Posts

Profile of Ron Reid

Here is a line that Ken Scott offered in another forum here at the Café, "Notice at no times will my fingers leave my hands. I'll prove it. Here, sir, pull my finger."

I tried this at a few shows I had last weekend, and it got HUGE laughs each time.

Steve Hoffman
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143 Posts

Profile of Steve Hoffman
Now THAT'S funny!!!

-Steve H

On 2003-08-05 22:13, Firedice27 wrote:
"Now I'll just mix the cards up."

Stare at the deck...

"I love you. I hate you. I love you. I hate you..."
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