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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Not very magical, still... » » Getting away with murder. (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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Erwin
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Beaten to death with a carrot is still dead.
critter
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"PRO-TEST FOUNDER LAURIE PYCROFT BEATEN TO DEATH WITH FROZEN TOFU BY ANIMAL LIBERATION FRONT"
http://www.indymedia.org.uk/en/regions/o......227.html
"The fool is one who doesn't know what you have just found out."
~Will Rogers
RS1963
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Critter your link gave me a message that it was an unprotected site or something like that with a button that said "get me out of here". Probably P.E.T.A porno;p
critter
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I just cut and pasted it back in and it worked for me.
It was basically a spoof press release by some Oxford lawyers, but it's pretty funny. Reminds me of the Onion.

"PRO-TEST FOUNDER LAURIE PYCROFT BEATEN TO DEATH WITH FROZEN TOFU BY ANIMAL LIBERATION FRONT

At 1:15am this morning 16 year old Pro-Test founder Laurie Pycroft was beaten to death outside his family home in Swindon. According to eyewitness reports at around 1:10am a crowd of approximately 20 emerged from two vans which had been parked in front of the Pycroft's family home earlier in the day.

Whilst several held signs reading "Animal murderer", "A life for a life", "I need a haircut" and "Ever since CND stopped doing this kind of stuff frankly I've been bored rigid" others broke down the Pycroft's front door using sledgehammers and fire axes. Laurie was dragged out onto the street and beaten repeatedly with a bag of frozen tofu.

Mrs. Pycroft, Laurie's mother:

"I wanted desperately to try save my little boy but was quite tired after a hard day's work and when I heard his dying screams I thought to myself 'just another five minutes in bed', you can imagine I regret that now. Then again, many emo children with longish black hair and black thick rimmed glassed like his welcome death, so I'm not sure how he feels about it."

The police arrived at approximately 3am, a senior source in Thames Valley Police defended the delay in response time, saying:

"To be honest we're all getting a little bit cheesed off with the little blighter causing us all this extra work. So when we heard someone was trying to kill him, the lads weren't really in the mood to rush their cup of tea. And the duty emergency response officer was halfway through Casablanca, and he just loves that film. But apart from this, we reacted within seconds."

Laurie was pronounced brain dead in 1991 and dead at 4am this morning. Last minute attempts to resuscitate him failed. Paramedics had hoped that animal experimentation would be able to provide a cure, but sadly desperate attempts by evil scientists failed when what a senior university official described as "one of those bloody supply chain issues, the colleges leave it up to the university and the university leave it up to the colleges" caused scientists to run out of photogenic kittens to sacrifice before a cure could be found.

Oxford University said "bad luck".

Pro-Test spokespeople issued the following statement:

"Whilst obviously Laurie's death is unexpected, and probably quite irritating for his family, how sorted are we in terms of favourable press coverage? To be honest, it's bloody brilliant. We're going to get every sodding front page on Monday!! By the time we're finished spinning this, with a bit of luck we'll be able to organise some public lynchings of RSPCA members. Frankly every cause needs martyrs, and we've just hit jackpot. Love the fact they killed him with frozen tofu though, goes to show we were wrong about them not having a sense of humour. Anymore of the Laurent-Perrier left?""
"The fool is one who doesn't know what you have just found out."
~Will Rogers
RS1963
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That is too funny! That does indeed read like something that the Onion would put up.
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