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GlenD Inner circle LosAngeles, Ca 1293 Posts |
Just post a joke. We can all use a laugh, cant we?
Ok ok, here is one I made up a few days ago. I was watching tv and here comes another one of those "E.D." commercials... I noticed it sort of rhymed with a certain word, so here's my joke- What do you call it when a rattlesnakes rattle no longer works? "a reptile dysfunction". Feel free to share your favorite joke, whether you made it up or not. Glen
"A miracle is something that seems impossible but happens anyway" - Griffin
"Any future where you succeed, is one where you tell the truth." - Griffin (Griffin rocks!) |
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PaulPacific Special user Yes, I used my toes to type all of my 907 Posts |
True story:
Years ago, I was touring with an illusionist (a female illusionist at that!) who performed mostly in Shopping Centres. I spent many an hour in the back of a cube van resting in a horizontally stored Zig Zag illusion as we drove to these places. Says she to me, "Paul! Get up! We are pulling into the shopping centre now!" My reply? "No thanks... You've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall!"
Blessings on thee, little man,
barefoot boy with cheeks of tan... Outward sunshine; inward joy, Blessings on thee, barefoot boy! :-D |
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critter Inner circle Spokane, WA 2653 Posts |
All of my favorite jokes are dirty.
Here's one my kids' Godfather learned from his Aunt, the nun: Two Irish nuns, Sister Mary-Claire and Sister Mary-Catherine, were driving in the country one night when suddenly a vampire landed on their car. Sister Mary-Claire, startled, shouts: "Oh no! What do I do?! What do I do?!" Sister Mary-Cathering answers: "Hit the windshield wipers!" Sister Mary-Claire hits the wipers and knocks the vampire off of the car. But a little while later he was back! "What do I do?!" cried Sister Mary-Claire. "Don't ye be worrying now," said Sister Mary-Catherine, "I took the liberty of filling the wiper fluid reservoir with holy water, just give him a little squirt." Sister Mary-Claire did that and the vampire fell away again. But sure enough, a few miles later, he came back again! "Now what do I do?!" Sister Mary-Claire shouted. "Well just show him your cross!" Answered Sister Mary-Catherine. So Sister Mary-Claire rolled down the window, shook her fist, and shouted "Get off me car, ye ****in' unholy ***!"
"The fool is one who doesn't know what you have just found out."
~Will Rogers |
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Tom Jorgenson Inner circle LOOSE ANGLES, CALIFORNIA 4451 Posts |
Why did the duck go to the grocery store?
To get a new box of quackers.
We dance an invisible dance to music they cannot hear.
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Bob1Dog Inner circle Wife: It's me or this houseful of 1159 Posts |
Why did the mouse marry the elephant?
He had to.
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about?
My neighbor rang my doorbell at 2:30 a.m. this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 a.m.!? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums. |
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mickym Loyal user 236 Posts |
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!'' |
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Salguod Nairb Room 101 0 Posts |
For some reason these joke thread always end up being locked... so I will contribute while I still can.
What did the Leper say to the prostitute? You can keep the tip.
We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness...
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Payne Inner circle Seattle 4571 Posts |
Two particles are walking down the street.
Suddenly one turns to the other and says "I'm an Ion" The other asks "Are you sure?" "Yes" the first one says "I'm positive"
"America's Foremost Satirical Magician" -- Jeff McBride.
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critter Inner circle Spokane, WA 2653 Posts |
The following is a true story about an anatomist.
One day after sleeping badly, an anatomist went to his frog laboratory and removed from a cage one frog with white spots on its back. He placed it on a table and drew a line just in front of the frog. "Jump frog, jump!" he shouted. The little critter jumped two feet forward. In his lab book, the anatomist scribbled, "Frog with four legs jumps two feet." Then, he surgically removed one leg of the frog and repeated the experiment. "Jump, jump!" To which, the frog leaped forward 1.5 feet. He wrote down, "Frog with three legs jumps 1.5 feet." Next, he removed a second leg. "Jump frog, jump!" The frog managed to jump a foot. He scribbled in his lab book, "Frog with two legs jumps one foot." Not stopping there, the anatomist removed yet another leg. "Jump, jump!" The poor frog somehow managed to move 0.5 feet forward. The scientist wrote, "Frog with one leg jumps 0.5 feet." Finally, he eliminated the last leg. "Jump, jump!" he shouted, encouraging forward progress for the frog. But despite all its efforts, the frog could not budge. "Jump frog, jump!" he cried again. It was no use; the frog would not response. The anatomist thought for a while and then wrote in his lab book, "Frog with no legs goes deaf."
"The fool is one who doesn't know what you have just found out."
~Will Rogers |
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kambiz Inner circle Perth, down by the cool of the pool 1129 Posts |
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take him out for a drag Kam
If I speak forth, many a mind will shatter,
And if I write, many a pen will break. .....and when I consider my own self, lo, I find it coarser than clay! |
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kambiz Inner circle Perth, down by the cool of the pool 1129 Posts |
Ooooh OOOhhh, another one....
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? Wonkey Kam
If I speak forth, many a mind will shatter,
And if I write, many a pen will break. .....and when I consider my own self, lo, I find it coarser than clay! |
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PaulPacific Special user Yes, I used my toes to type all of my 907 Posts |
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She choked a little.
Blessings on thee, little man,
barefoot boy with cheeks of tan... Outward sunshine; inward joy, Blessings on thee, barefoot boy! :-D |
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kambiz Inner circle Perth, down by the cool of the pool 1129 Posts |
Steady....s.t.e.a.d.y.....Paul lol
Kam
If I speak forth, many a mind will shatter,
And if I write, many a pen will break. .....and when I consider my own self, lo, I find it coarser than clay! |
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critter Inner circle Spokane, WA 2653 Posts |
My favorite joke of all time:
Pirate walks into a bar. He's got a ship's steering wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender says: "Hey, you know you got a ship's wheel on the front of your pants?" Pirate says: "Aye! It's drivin' me nuts!"
"The fool is one who doesn't know what you have just found out."
~Will Rogers |
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PaulPacific Special user Yes, I used my toes to type all of my 907 Posts |
Quote:
On 2012-05-18 01:59, kambiz wrote: ;) Pushing the envelope.... always pushing the envelope with my feet lol
Blessings on thee, little man,
barefoot boy with cheeks of tan... Outward sunshine; inward joy, Blessings on thee, barefoot boy! :-D |
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Pakar Ilusi Inner circle 5777 Posts |
What do you get when you put a Magician, a Mentalist, an Escapologist, a Clown and a Freak Show Artist in one room?
The Magic Caf�!
"Dreams aren't a matter of Chance but a matter of Choice." -DC-
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critter Inner circle Spokane, WA 2653 Posts |
Gymnast walks up to a bar...
"The fool is one who doesn't know what you have just found out."
~Will Rogers |
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PaulPacific Special user Yes, I used my toes to type all of my 907 Posts |
A guy goes to the doctor.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
Blessings on thee, little man,
barefoot boy with cheeks of tan... Outward sunshine; inward joy, Blessings on thee, barefoot boy! :-D |
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seerunder New user 41 Posts |
As you can all see Paul is an expert in bad jokes. He keeps telling me that at my funeral he will be a "Paulbearer"
I really think he has too much time on his hands and found some gainful employment. |
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PaulPacific Special user Yes, I used my toes to type all of my 907 Posts |
Are you not supposed to be banned from this establishment?
Blessings on thee, little man,
barefoot boy with cheeks of tan... Outward sunshine; inward joy, Blessings on thee, barefoot boy! :-D |
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