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Strange Tasting Fish Sticks
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1988 - 2013
The Big Brother is watching you
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I can't help but feel vane, ever since I was young, for some reason or another, I felt like what I achieved defined who I was. My dad didn't really ever have talks to me, or showed much interest in me, esp. During teenage years. I don't know how to feel. I used to be a card magician long ago, I asked my dad, he told me magic is stupid and get a real job. He said card magic was boring, so I picked up coins. I can't help but feel selfish when I feel the need to feel important, to feel accepted, so much so, and this is hard for me to say, by many more people than I was rejected by... It's almost like I'm running after the wrong things, pethaps, sadly, even fame. I feel this pain is what drives me. I enjoy magic too, but I feel like I'm getting more depressed the more people say I've achieved alot. I'm getting into therapy soon, but the pain is so bad I can't help but cry everyday on how unskilled I am compared to others. I feel worthless everyday. Everyday I practice, recently more so, but it's never long enough. Its never good enough. It's almost like I'm addicted and trying to fill some need, perhaps to feel loved. I really don't know what to do guys. I've been holding this in for years in shame.
magicalaurie
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Kevin said
Quote:
I've recently got tired of how horrible I treat myself.I've decided to do confining about ite by working on myself first.when ponta tells me I do part of a routine better than him, and I know hes always encourged to be the best I can be, always honest I've worked very very hard at my magic.now I need to focus on myself.I can't expect to please everyone.im unique, I'm me. I'll remember the good times in my life.I'll remember handing out with eric jones at imx, performing magic and loving life and myself.il l remember I'm not alone.I'll remember peoples advice and graciously take it.I'll remember all the people here that care about me, then I realize Ive already succeeded in life.I have friends.I'm a winner, not a loser.thank you all


Keep listening to the guy who said this. It remains applicable and will continue to remain applicable.
"Every thought you think, word you speak, and action you take proceeds from either love or fear. Peace and upset, innocence and guilt, healing and illness all spring from that one fundamental choice." Alan Cohen
Strange Tasting Fish Sticks
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1988 - 2013
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Thank you laurie. Your so helpful. I will remind myself. Recently I had a frend I knew for a year, we did a lot together. I had to make a difficult decision. I had to take care of myself and cut ties with her. I did this very gently. She recently emailed me back, saying only: "Loser." I know I'm not a loser.many people have said this in the past. I have to remember my favorite song: At the end of the day, day My momma told me don't let no one break me, let no one break me At the end of the day, day, Nobody, nobody, ever could stop me, ever could stop me At the end of the day, day You can't regret it, if you were trying, if you were trying At the end of the day, day I'm walking with a heart of a lion, yeah
Strange Tasting Fish Sticks
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1988 - 2013
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Sometimes I do look back on old threads and it helps me too
Strange Tasting Fish Sticks
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1988 - 2013
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Something there really struck me, maybe I just didn't notice it before: I need to work on myself. I can't please everyone.
Chessmann
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Nor should you try.

Don't base your value on what you can do or how good you are. You start life with a value - as a human being. If you can fully accept that, it gives better perspective on everything else.

There's a song from a musical that goes something like, "I may not be better than so-and-so, but I'll be danged if I ain't just as good."

I hope this helps in some small way. I don't know you, so forgive me if I'm on the wrong path! Smile
My ex-cat was named "Muffin". "Vomit" would be a better name for her. AKA "The Evil Ball of Fur".
Jim Sparx
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On another thread, here:
http://www.themagiccafe.com/forums/viewt......um=61&14

In April, myself and member, Piers, suggested you see a doctor, What happened with that?
Strange Tasting Fish Sticks
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Ive been on psych meds my entire life almost. I already have a neurlogist for the 2 sleep studies I have for my sleep apnea, which is moderate but cannot be medically treated with a Cpap. Excruciating leg cramps at night, ESP. When waking up. Night terrors, seem to have difficulty getting air, wake up in gasps. Slight noises scare me when sleeping, startled very easily and wake up in a panic. Still have hypertension despite very good physical shape and excellent cholesterol and blood lipids. Extremely bad fatigue. Recently was told by my neurlogist I have fibromyalgia, so I take a med for that too. In total, 6 different meds. Feel like a wreck physically and emotionally. No therapy yet, been out for months due to a therapist leaving. Getting some soon. Sorry to summarize like this. On my moms iPad.
Strange Tasting Fish Sticks
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Quote:
On 2012-05-31 19:46, Chessmann wrote:
Nor should you try.

Don't base your value on what you can do or how good you are. You start life with a value - as a human being. If you can fully accept that, it gives better perspective on everything else.

There's a song from a musical that goes something like, "I may not be better than so-and-so, but I'll be danged if I ain't just as good."

I hope this helps in some small way. I don't know you, so forgive me if I'm on the wrong path! Smile
thanks for the help. I really don't want to be better than anyone else. That's pretty immature. It's good to be as good as someone else, but no matter how hard I practice I can't BE someone else. I can't copy someone else to the T. It doesn't work. As my showmanship book mentions, it's a sure road to failure. I have to be myself... That book and my colleage English class have many parallels. How does the audience see me? Is this congruent with my character I'm trying to portray? Am I portraying myself? Am I casting myself?
link8822
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A relative of mine has had similar difficulties for my entire life. And I've went through some rough times too....One of the things that made me happier is seeking out evidence based research on what makes people happy. I came across this great online book that I read every week for about a year & it had a significant impact on my happiness. It's a bit long, but that's good because our minds work like magic ~ you gotta practice, practice, practice. The same is true with our thoughts & happiness. Hope it helps:

http://web.archive.org/web/2009060502343......okhm.htm

Cheers,
-Steve Smile
Chessmann
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Quote:
On 2012-06-01 01:12, Strange Tasting Fish Sticks wrote:
Quote:
On 2012-05-31 19:46, Chessmann wrote:
Nor should you try.

Don't base your value on what you can do or how good you are. You start life with a value - as a human being. If you can fully accept that, it gives better perspective on everything else.

There's a song from a musical that goes something like, "I may not be better than so-and-so, but I'll be danged if I ain't just as good."

I hope this helps in some small way. I don't know you, so forgive me if I'm on the wrong path! Smile
thanks for the help. I really don't want to be better than anyone else. That's pretty immature. It's good to be as good as someone else, but no matter how hard I practice I can't BE someone else. I can't copy someone else to the T. It doesn't work. As my showmanship book mentions, it's a sure road to failure. I have to be myself... That book and my colleage English class have many parallels. How does the audience see me? Is this congruent with my character I'm trying to portray? Am I portraying myself? Am I casting myself?


I think - MAYBE - you misunderstood a bit. To be clear, I wasn't at all suggesting you think/try to be better than anyone, only that you are as good as everyone - and I'm not speaking of being as good in certain things (like magic, or whatever) but your intrinsic value as a person. That makes you as good as anyone else. If you can accept that...
My ex-cat was named "Muffin". "Vomit" would be a better name for her. AKA "The Evil Ball of Fur".
Pete Biro
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I wish I had the magic power to make things right for you.

Think positive things, do what you like to do and don't over think. Hang out with a few positive people.

Be well.
STAY TOONED... @ www.pete-biro.com
Chessmann
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A friend of mine gave some good advice: "Find out what you don't like doing...and then stop doing it."

Simple but profound. And something most of us don't do. We get into a rut, and don't think we can really get out. So we settle for less in our lives.

Don't know if this applies, but thought I would share it.
My ex-cat was named "Muffin". "Vomit" would be a better name for her. AKA "The Evil Ball of Fur".
Vlad_77
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STFS,

First off there are many talented people doing what they love even though their parents or teachers or whomever called the activity stupid or any synonym you can think of. I remember when you were heavily into cards and you asked some excellent questions. The things you mentioned tells me that you have been dealt a bad hand, but, any Draw Poker player knows you change change your hand. Sure it's a gamble and you don't win all the time, but, maybe the real satisfaction is in the trying.

Second: I have been in entertainment for a long time as a magician, musician, and actor. I am not famous, and MANY entertainers could wipe the floor with me. You label yourself as not as skilled as others but guess what? Despite the inane questions on this and other magic communities, there is not ONE single person who is the "best" or possesses all of the skill in the universe; there is ALWAYS somebody better! What you need to do and what I need to do is better OURSELVES. I give my audiences everything I have in every performance. I KNOW I do not have the presentational chops of Bill Malone, the immaculate skill with a pack of cards like Michael Vincent, or the instrumental skills and songwriting ability of this dude from Liverpool named Paul. So what? I still do my thing and I strive to make every performance better than the last because I believe that I can - with the help of God - make every performance better. Believe in YOU. I KNOW that it's hard. I am not going to get into what I dealt with growing up but trust me when I say I have experienced much of what you have so I am not talking out of my ;posterior.

Third: Do card magic, rope magic, coin magic, whatever is your bliss! Just because your dad says it is stupid or boring has no bearing on you.

A lot of people have been giving you positive feedback and these people do it because they care man! Think about that for a moment. No one on this board has anything to gain; there are no hidden agendas here. They are responding to you because they care. Magic Laurie's post was the most profound because man, those words were YOURS.

Finally, keep in contact with your doctors and do not be afraid to light a fire under their coats with regard to getting more proactive on your course of treatment.

You said you wanted encouragement right?

http://www.wowzone.com/godmemo.htm

READ it. It is long but read it and open your heart and LISTEN. It is one of the most powerful statements I have ever read.

Namaste,
Vlad
Jim Sparx
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This is what I wrote in the previous thread mentioned above:

"If your drinking four energy drinks a day and taking 6 med, no wonder your depressed. The stuff in energy drinks can kill you and mixed with whatever your taking for meds is worse. Does your doctor know you are on energy drinks? Guarana, ginseng, ginkgo biloba, yerba mate are poision with constant use and are contraindicated with a lot of drugs. Get a PDR and look up the meds you are taking and what it says about mixing with the above."

Are you still on energy drinks?
Make a list of the meds you are taking and either post them here or PM me if you don't want others to know.
You can start getting out of your rut by doing positive things for yourself. The first thing I would do is change your "strange tasting etc..." name. Not a very positive name.
link8822
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Spartacus brings up a great point & to expand on it, our physical health is directly related to our mental health. So sometimes little things, like going for a jog, eating more fruits & veggies, etc. can have an impact on our happiness to a certain extent.
Devious
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We are going to miss you dearly Kevin!
I was looking forward to your lecture in July at The SAM Meeting.
Devious Deceptions
"Gadol Elohai!"
L'Chaim!
Dougini
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Clearly, encouragement was not enough. I think we need to encourage each other now...

Doug
Al Angello
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Dougini
There are a lot of threads here where Kevin spoke of his struggle.
Al Angello The Comic Juggler/Magician
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http://home.comcast.net/~juggleral/
"Footprints on your ceiling are almost gone"
Pakar Ilusi
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Quote:
On 2012-05-28 14:39, Strange Tasting Fish Sticks wrote:
I'm getting into therapy soon, but the pain is so bad I can't help but cry everyday on how unskilled I am compared to others. I feel worthless everyday. Everyday I practice, recently more so, but it's never long enough. Its never good enough. It's almost like I'm addicted and trying to fill some need, perhaps to feel loved. I really don't know what to do guys. I've been holding this in for years in shame.


I suddenly feel that we've let him down. Smile

Really.

RIP Kevin. May you be in Peace.
"Dreams aren't a matter of Chance but a matter of Choice." -DC-
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