|
|
Go to page 1~2~3 [Next] | ||||||||||
General_Magician Special user United States 707 Posts |
Here is a small piece of the comedy routine I have been working on. The first three sentences are setup lines while the last sentence is the punchline:
"We had a financial crisis meltdown where a lot of people had to foreclose on their homes. It was more like highway robbery by the banks! The taxpayers had a financial meltdown crisis when we had to fork over a bunch of our hard earned money bailing out these crooked banks that went under! I have a crisis when taco sauce gets spilled on me!" I am especially curious what some of our joke writers, comedians and comics think of this.
"Never fear shadows. They simply mean there is a light shining somewhere nearby." -unknown
Company Website Facebook Business Page Twitter Business Page |
|||||||||
mastermindreader 1949 - 2017 Seattle, WA 12586 Posts |
Try it in front of an audience and find out if it's funny or not. That's how comedy is developed.
That said, it would be a lot tighter if you just kept the first and last lines and eliminated the rest. |
|||||||||
General_Magician Special user United States 707 Posts |
Quote:
On 2013-09-11 17:41, mastermindreader wrote: Ohh yeah, that definately sounds better Bob! Thanks! I appreciate your input! I got a lot of editing to do right now. Seems like I have a lot of setup lines throughout the rest of my routine but I got a few good punchlines. Funny enough, some of the best punchlines I got for this routine was imagining how would my shirt heckle this if it was able to talk and heckle my comedy routine. Then I wrote how my shirt would heckle my routine and put it in first person. That's how I got the taco sauce punchline. Here is the newly edited version: "We had a financial crisis meltdown where a lot of people had to foreclose on their homes. The taxpayers had a financial meltdown crisis when we had to fork over a bunch of our hard earned money bailing out these crooked banks that went under! I have a crisis when taco sauce gets spilled on me!"
"Never fear shadows. They simply mean there is a light shining somewhere nearby." -unknown
Company Website Facebook Business Page Twitter Business Page |
|||||||||
BrianMillerMagic Inner circle CT 2050 Posts |
Do I find it funny? No. But I spend my life writing, performing, watching, and reading comedy. But that doesn't mean it won't work for a lay audience. Like mastermindreader said: try it out a handful of times and gauge the reaction. Comedy is about being present. You need an audience to tell you if it's funny or not.
To the joke itself: Generally, the longer the setup, the funnier the punchline has to be. That's the rule of thumb. You've got three sentences of setup for a punchline, "I have a crisis when taco sauce gets spilled on me." I can't see that line getting more than a polite chuckle. You know how in magic if you can remove a sleight, you've probably made the trick better? In comedy if you can remove a word, you've made the joke better. For that punchline there shouldn't be more than one short sentence as a setup. But comedy is subjective by its nature. These are just my opinions. |
|||||||||
General_Magician Special user United States 707 Posts |
Quote:
On 2013-09-11 17:48, BrianMillerMagic wrote: I think it's important to have an act first before attempting to do a standup piece in front of a lay audience. After editing this routine I also want to incorporate it into the presentation of some of my magic tricks. I see what you are talking about when you have more setup lines, the punchline has got to be funnier. I can already see some additional editing I can do with this small piece. edit: "We had a financial crisis meltdown where a lot of people had to foreclose on their homes. The taxpayers had a financial meltdown crisis when we had to fork over a bunch money bailing out these banks! I have a crisis when taco sauce gets spilled on me!"
"Never fear shadows. They simply mean there is a light shining somewhere nearby." -unknown
Company Website Facebook Business Page Twitter Business Page |
|||||||||
mastermindreader 1949 - 2017 Seattle, WA 12586 Posts |
General Magician-
You missed my point. Eliminate EVERYTHING but the first and last line. The first line needs some editing as well. "After the last financial crisis, a lot of people had to foreclose on their homes. I have a crisis when taco sauce gets spilled on me!" Still not very funny, but it's tight. Remember Henny Youngman's philosophy about one liners. He kept his jokes as short as possible to that if one bombed he was already into the next one. |
|||||||||
General_Magician Special user United States 707 Posts |
Quote:
On 2013-09-11 17:57, mastermindreader wrote: My bad, misunderstood you! Thanks!
"Never fear shadows. They simply mean there is a light shining somewhere nearby." -unknown
Company Website Facebook Business Page Twitter Business Page |
|||||||||
General_Magician Special user United States 707 Posts |
I got close to 50 pages typed that I have to sort through and edit. A lot of set up lines. Sometimes, it's tough to determine if something is a punchline or a tagline and sometimes it's tough to determine if something is a setup line or a tag line.
"Never fear shadows. They simply mean there is a light shining somewhere nearby." -unknown
Company Website Facebook Business Page Twitter Business Page |
|||||||||
Dannydoyle Eternal Order 21219 Posts |
I really don't find it amusing in the least. But then again I never found "In Living Color" funny either.
But take Bobs point to heart. Even Shakespeare knew "brevity is the soul of wit". One of the BIGGEST mistakes people make is to use WAY too many words. Get on, get on with it and get off. I have more to say but want to keep this short.
Danny Doyle
<BR>Semper Occultus <BR>In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act....George Orwell |
|||||||||
mastermindreader 1949 - 2017 Seattle, WA 12586 Posts |
It might be funnier if you added a pause and the end and then a final line;
"Last time that happened my wife foreclosed on my shirt." Totally absurd, but absurdity often gets a laugh. |
|||||||||
Mindpro Eternal Order 10587 Posts |
To me it all depends on the performance and how it's delivered. In comedy there is a huge difference writing for performance and writing for reading. I could see it getting a chuckle (not outright hilarity) if presented right (sarcastically).
|
|||||||||
General_Magician Special user United States 707 Posts |
Quote:
It might be funnier if you added a pause and the end and then a final line; That seems like a good tagline. What was your technique for coming up with this finish? I like it, but that is your finish. I want to develop a good finish like you did and that would probably help me if I knew the technique. Or did you come up with that right off the top of your head?
"Never fear shadows. They simply mean there is a light shining somewhere nearby." -unknown
Company Website Facebook Business Page Twitter Business Page |
|||||||||
General_Magician Special user United States 707 Posts |
Yeah, the pause makes a world of difference Bob. That was cool! So, I guess once and awhile after the punchline, you could through in a pause then a good tagline. What do you think of that?
"Never fear shadows. They simply mean there is a light shining somewhere nearby." -unknown
Company Website Facebook Business Page Twitter Business Page |
|||||||||
Pakar Ilusi Inner circle 5777 Posts |
It's always the delivery.
Rowan Atkinson can do Mr. Bean without saying a word and people all around the world are laughing to tears...
"Dreams aren't a matter of Chance but a matter of Choice." -DC-
|
|||||||||
Al Angello Eternal Order Collegeville, Pa. USA 11045 Posts |
I agree with Brian your joke is too wordy, and hard to follow. IMHO A funny stand up line should have a good rhythm and paint a picture in your head.
Al Angello The Comic Juggler/Magician
http://www.juggleral.com http://home.comcast.net/~juggleral/ "Footprints on your ceiling are almost gone" |
|||||||||
General_Magician Special user United States 707 Posts |
Ohh I agree, you don't want it to be too wordy. That's why you edit down the raw material you create so that it can actually begin to sound funny. Right now I am in the editing process. What I did was record myself talking normally about a topic I care about as if I called up one of my friends and started having a conversation with him. I didn't try to be funny.
Then, I transcribed the recording of myself. After transcribing the recording of myself, I took each sentence of the transcription and spaced each one out 5-6 lines and then wrote my reaction to each sentence of the transcription. Then I wrote how I would heckle each sentence. Afterwards, I wrote smart alek comments to each sentence. Then I would write a heckle to each line based on how I thought other people would heckle each line (without asking how they actually would). Finally, I wrote how animals, places, things, if they were able to talk would heckle each line. After that part, I would then label what I thought would be a setup line, punchline and a tagline. Once this is done, then you have to go through the editing process of eliminating redundancies, eliminating un-necesary words or wording, maybe throw in some metaphors and similes as well. Plus, I have the free association tables and the charts I have been working on. Here is what I have for my chart for people: Quote: People part of my chart:
"Never fear shadows. They simply mean there is a light shining somewhere nearby." -unknown
Company Website Facebook Business Page Twitter Business Page |
|||||||||
Al Angello Eternal Order Collegeville, Pa. USA 11045 Posts |
If you try to much analysis and you will lose spontaneity. Try is out, improve it a couple times, then write it down after it gets big yucks.
IMHO It should come out of your mouth like poetry. But then everybody works differently, and what I am telling you is my style.
Al Angello The Comic Juggler/Magician
http://www.juggleral.com http://home.comcast.net/~juggleral/ "Footprints on your ceiling are almost gone" |
|||||||||
Slide Special user 533 Posts |
Ken Levine writes a great blog on comedy writing. He was the lead writer on shows like Cheers, Frasier and Mash. Here is an blog he wrote on punchlines: http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/2013/09/my......nes.html
|
|||||||||
General_Magician Special user United States 707 Posts |
Quote:
If you try to much analysis and you will lose spontaneity. Try is out, improve it a couple times, then write it down after it gets big yucks. In my experience, it works best to have an act or a piece put together. Then you try it out at an open mic night or when you put it into the presentation of your magic tricks to see what parts of it the audience will find funny and what parts of it they won't. I don't think it's a good idea to get up in front of an audience whether you are a stand up comedian or comedy magician and just try to "wing it" without having any kind of act at all or know what you are going to say or talk about. Not to mention, art is truth and self expression. The comedian tells us the truth and he is able to get away with doing so because he is funny when he does it. The magician reveals truth by creating illusions which expose cultural illusions and in turn reveals truth. He gets away with it because he doesn't directly talk about the truth like the comedian does but because he indirectly reveals truth and amazes people in the process. Both magic and comedy is about truth and it is is about being yourself and the art of self expression. That being said both also require work. Which means recording a topic you care about and transcribing that recording and keeping the essence of yourself in your comedy and working on sleight of hand moves so that you can create the necessary deception when creating the illusions in your magic tricks.
"Never fear shadows. They simply mean there is a light shining somewhere nearby." -unknown
Company Website Facebook Business Page Twitter Business Page |
|||||||||
Al Angello Eternal Order Collegeville, Pa. USA 11045 Posts |
I am an off beat comedian who does clumsy magic, and you seem to be a serious magician who tells funny jokes. They are two different animals, and I wish you the best.
Al Angello The Comic Juggler/Magician
http://www.juggleral.com http://home.comcast.net/~juggleral/ "Footprints on your ceiling are almost gone" |
|||||||||
The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Not very magical, still... » » Does This Sound Funny Or Is It Good Enough To Include in Comedy Routine (0 Likes) | ||||||||||
Go to page 1~2~3 [Next] |
[ Top of Page ] |
All content & postings Copyright © 2001-2024 Steve Brooks. All Rights Reserved. This page was created in 0.08 seconds requiring 5 database queries. |
The views and comments expressed on The Magic Café are not necessarily those of The Magic Café, Steve Brooks, or Steve Brooks Magic. > Privacy Statement < |