And these always make me crack up, especially when I try to tell them to people.

Q: How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
A: Douse it with lighter fluid and toss on a match. ("Wooof!")

Q: How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
A: First you douse the dog with water, then stick him in the
freezer. After a couple of hours take him out and run him
through a bandsaw. ("Reeooww!")

Ooh ouch ! Some pretty good ones people keep em coming!
A rope walks into the bar and the bartender refuses to serve him and the rope asks why and he day's "I'm not supposed to serve ropes. So the rope leaves and decides he's to a good idea and he frays his ends and ties himself in a knot the. Walks back I to the bar and orders a drink a d the bartender asks "aren't you the rope that was just in here?" And the rope relies back " no I'm a frayed knot."

Enjoy!

Two magicians walk into a bar...


you'd think the second one would have ducked!

A gorilla goes into a bar in NYC and orders a Manhattan.

The bartender brings him his drink and says, "That'll be $17."

After a brief pause, the bartender says, "If you don't mind my saying, we don't get many gorillas in here ordering Manhattans."

The gorillas says, "At $17 a drink, I'm not surprised."

Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

Q: Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Like that.....especially as I had to explain it to the mississ!

A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light”
~~~~~~~~~~

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
~~~~~~~~~~

Your mother is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
~~~~~~~~~~~

This sentence contains exactly threee erors.
~~~~~~~~~~~

There is a magician that goes by the name 1023MB. He doesn't have any gigs yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.
~~~~~~~~~~~

Wife walks in on husband, a string theorist, in bed with another woman. He shouts, “I can explain everything!”
~~~~~~~~~~~

C, an E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat.

An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.

The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

Who is the first person to discover the leather wallet?








Whoever it is, please give it to me, I lost it.

What do you call a murderer with moral fibre?




A cerial killer.



This guy walks into the bar to meet his friends and they're all surprised to see him come in right on time cause there buddy is always late. Surprised they all strt Asking him how he managed to get there on time.
" oh that's easy now, you see I got a talking alarm clock" naturally his buddy's don't believe him so be takes them to his place opens the door a he shows them this giant gong against the wall "that's a gong that's no talking alarm clock" they all say.
So proudly he grabs that hammer and bangs it then it makes this huge sound and on the other side of the wall they hear a guy yelling "hey *** it's 3:15 ii'm the morning!"
The guy turns to his friends and says "see".

I cannot resist!

It's 'cereal'!

Best advice...

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

:ohyes:

Oh pakar, you're so silly!

Paddy cuts a hole in the ice, drops his hook & line in and begins to fish.
Suddenly he hears a voice - "Paddy, there's no fish in there".
Paddy looks all around but sees no-one and so continues to fish. Another few moments go by and Paddy hears the voice again.
"Paddy, there's no fish in there".
Again Paddy looks around but sees nothing. Hmmmmm, could it be Paddy thinks? Another few moments and he hears the voice again - "Paddy, there's no fish in there".
Lookin around and seeing nothing, Paddy looks to the sky and asks "Lord? Is that you?"
"No. This is the manager of the ice rink".

How do farmers keep track of their cattle???

With cowculators

Why did the Canadian cross the road?

To get to the middle.

Q: What did one lumen say to the other lumen after they left the bulb?
A: Let's get the flux outta here



(this one, I just made up a couple of days ago)
Q: What did the red light ray and blue light ray do after they broke out of prism?
A: They went their separate ways.

Remember...OP.....REALLY BAD!


How do you catch a red elephant?

With a red elephant trap.

How do you catch a green elephant?

Paint him red and catch him with a red elephant trap.

How do you catch an orange elephant?

I don't know, I've never seen an orange elephant.

***************************************************************

What kind of dog can jump higher than a building?

Any dog. Buildings can't jump.

****************************************************************

Have you heard about the new pirate movie?

It's rated aaaarrrrrrrrr

**************************************************************

Where do hamburgers go to dance?

To a meatball.

************************************************************

How do you fix a broken pizza?

With tomato paste.

*******************************************************

This guy comes blasting into the doctor's office and exclaims, excitedly, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking! I think I'm shrinking!"

"Ok, just settle down sir," the doctor says. "You're just going to have to be a little patient."

OK Guys, you asked for it ... really bad joke ... think "Hogan's Heroes."

In Germany during WWII, an American POW develops gangrene in his left foot. The German prison camp doctor prescribes amputation. They obtain permission to operate from the camp Commandant, and the surgery saves the GI's life. He now hops along on one foot, but is thankful to be alive.

But a few months later, they discover that the gangrene has spread further up the American prisoner's leg. The German doctor decides to amputate just above his knee. Permission is granted by the camp Commandant, and the GI survives this second operation. He now has to walk with a crutch, but counts his blessings because so many others have died in the conflict.

But after a few more months, the camp doctor discovers that the prisoner's right foot now also has gangrene, and has to be amputated. However, just before the operation commences, the camp Commandant storms into the hospital, followed by a number of guards, all with their rifles drawn. The German officer addresses the American: "Ach so! You think I'm stupid! You're trying to escape!"