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frankvomit
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Ha, nice ones!
ok I got one:

Jesus and Moses decide it's a nice day so they're going to play a round of Golf. They get to the first T and it's a pretty long hole Moses turns to Jesus and says to "get a good distance you're going to need a 1 wood for this."

Jesus shakes his head and simply replies " Tiger Woods would use a 3 Iron so I think I'll try that."

This keeps on going for a few holes half way through Jesus gets the Ball in the sand trap and Moses looks at Jesus and says "well are you going to use your pitching wedge?"

Again Jesus replies" Nope Tiger Woods would use a 7 Iron for this shot so I thinks that's what I'll use."

Watching Jesus screw up shot after shot Moses is getting frustrated he watches Jesus on the 18th hole get the ball in the water and just as Jesus begins to walk on the water to retrieve his ball some other players pull up in there cart and noticing this they turn to Moses and ask "who does he think he is Jesus?"

And Moses shakes his head and say's "No he thinks he's Tiger Woods."
Magnus Eisengrim
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A bear walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer...........................................and some peanuts."

The bartender replies, "What's with the big pause?"
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.--Yeats
satellite23
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This is an old joke from my childhood. Some of you may have heard it before.

An elementary school kid raises his hand. The teacher calls on him.

"Can I use the bathroom?" the student impatiently asks.

"Yes," replied the teacher, "But first, you must recite your ABCs."

"But I really have to go," insisted the student.

"Recite your ABCs first, then I will let you go," the teacher demanded.

So, the student stood up in front of the class, anxiously looked around at his peers, and started. "A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z..."

The teacher looked confused. "Where is the 'P?'" she asked.

The student slowly looked up and said, "Dripping down my pants."
Bob1Dog
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Benny gets up one Saturday morning, ready to shave, he looks in the mirror and hears a voice in his head, "Benny, if you shave, I'll turn you into an urn."

Thinking he's still groggy from sleep, he coats his face with shaving cream and the voice in his head says, "Benny, I'm warning you, if you shave you will be turned into an urn."

OK, Benny thinks, I can skip shaving today, I'll shave tomorrow, and he cleans his face of the shaving cream.

Sunday morning, the same thing happens. The same voice in his head, the same threat. Benny is spooked.

This goes on for years and finally Benny can't stand the discomfort of his beard anymore. He begins to cut his beard with scissors and the voice repeats the same message. Unmoved Benny continues to the point where he can apply shaving cream to his face and feels the relief of his razor removing his stubble, all the while, the voice repeating the same threat.

Finally, clean shaven for the first time in years, POOF! Benny is turned into an urn. The moral of the story?
>
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A Benny shaved is a Benny urned!
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about? Smile

My neighbor rang my doorbell at 2:30 a.m. this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 a.m.!? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
frankvomit
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Smile
ringmaster
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...... you're just homesick.
Bally Hoo and Hullabaloo
one for me and none for you.
Michael Baker
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A young guy was playing a round of golf just to kill an afternoon, and at one point finds himself faced with a dog-leg fairway and a very tall stand of trees in the crook. He figures the only way to do this in two shots, one up to the bend and the next toward the green.

Just as he's about to take a shot, who should drive by in a golf cart but Arnold Palmer himself. Arnold respectfully stops and watches as the guy is lining up for his first shot. The guy pauses and looks at Arnold and asks, "Is this the best way?"

Arnold looks at the situation and says, "Son, when I was your age, I would take a driver and hit it right over those trees and be done with it."

The young guy, suddenly feeling a surge of confidence, switches his mid-iron for a driver, and lines up again.

He hits the ball, and "WHACK!", right into the trees.

He turns, and with a confused look on his face, stares at Arnold.

Arnold says, "Son, did I forget to mention when I was your age those trees were only ten feet high."
~michael baker
The Magic Company
ringmaster
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....... The Aristocrats.
Bally Hoo and Hullabaloo
one for me and none for you.
ringmaster
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Memphis, Down in Dixie
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....... Chunks is my dog.
Bally Hoo and Hullabaloo
one for me and none for you.
ringmaster
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...... that was God, he just thinks he's Earnhardt.
Bally Hoo and Hullabaloo
one for me and none for you.
Michael Baker
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Eternal Order
Near a river in the Midwest
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Quote:
On 2013-09-26 12:57, ringmaster wrote:
....... Chunks is my dog.


I thought about doing this too... just giving the punchline to really dirty jokes.
~michael baker
The Magic Company
ringmaster
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..... a yellow brick.
Bally Hoo and Hullabaloo
one for me and none for you.
Tom Jorgenson
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One suitable for children:

Why did the duck cross the road?

To get a new box of quackers.


And one not so suitable:

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a chicken?
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A dead chicken.
We dance an invisible dance to music they cannot hear.
imgic
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A guy goes to learn how to skydive. During the instruction, they show him how to pull the rip cord for his main chute. The instructor tells him should the main chute fail, there's an emergency chute. The student jokingly asks "What if the emergency chute fails?" The instructor tells him if that happens he should pray to Buddha.

So the guy goes on his first jump. He leaps from the plane and pulls his ripcord and....nothing. He pulls cord for his emegency chute and....nothing. Now is a panic he remembers instructor's comment and begins francitcally praying to Buddha...promising to be good, desperatley asking for help...

All of a sudden a giant green hand appears out of the sky, catches the guy and gently lowers him to the ground. Relieved, shaking, the guy kisses the ground and exclaims "Thank God!"

The giant green hand reappears and "splaatttt!"
"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
ringmaster
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...... dear God we thank you for this food you've set before us.
Bally Hoo and Hullabaloo
one for me and none for you.
Cliffg37
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For this joke, fill the blank with your favorite ethnicity....

A __________ walks into a bar, the bartender comes running from behind the bar in a rage. He grabs the _______ by the shirt and throws him out the door.

As the __________ falls through the door the bartender yells, "We don't tell jokes in here!"
Magic is like Science,
Both are fun if you do it right!
imgic
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A man walks into a store, goes up to the counter and asks for a pound of polish sausage.

The guy behind the counter asks, "Are you a Polack?"

The man gets indignant and says loudly, "Why yes I not Polish descent. But how dare you use that deragtory term. And using it just because I ordered Polish sausage. That is just ignorant and rude. Do you think I'm stupid just because I asked for some Polish sausage?!"

"Well," the guy says, "this is a hardware store."
"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
ringmaster
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Well, if you insist on including Polish jokes.
....... I don't have time to explain it nine times.
Bally Hoo and Hullabaloo
one for me and none for you.
frankvomit
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Woo! Just flew in today from Chicago ... Boy are my arms tired!
frankvomit
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Two cows are talking one says to the other "well I just got pregnant."
And the other replies "you're kidding how do you know?"
She says " I was artificially inseminated."
And the other inquires "artificially inseminated?"
And she replies "that's right, no bull."
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