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George Ledo
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A couple of years ago I happened to be walking thru the scene shop and saw one of the guys building a prop metronome for a production. This guy had a weird sense of humor, so I figured I had to do something.

Back at my office, I did a little research and drew a sketch of a gnome, but dressed in corporate-casual style, complete with sweater and such. I went back to the shop and put it on his table. He liked it, but couldn't figure out why the gnome was dressed that way.

I said, "Well, could he be a metro-gnome?"
That's our departed buddy Burt, aka The Great Burtini, doing his famous Cups and Mice routine
www.georgefledo.net

Latest column: "Sorry about the photos in my posts here"
Michael Baker
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What does s stripper do with her AH before she goes to work?
She drops him off at band practice. (told to me by a musician)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A boy learns to play music and learns how to keep time. Then he learns to play jazz and he forgets how to tell time. (also told to me by a musician)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here is one that only performers might get...

A comedian had finished for the evening and was relaxing in his hotel room when there was a knock at the door. He opens the door to find a beautiful young woman standing there, stark naked. She says, "I saw your show tonight and I think you are absolutely wonderful! And I want to %#$! your brains out."

The comedian smiles and says, "So... did you see the first show or the second one?"
~michael baker
The Magic Company
arthur stead
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What do you call a musician without a girlfriend or a wife?
>
>
>
>
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Homeless!
Arthur Stead
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Bob1Dog
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Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled.

"If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about? Smile

My neighbor rang my doorbell at 2:30 a.m. this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 a.m.!? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
arthur stead
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I just remembered a great musician joke ... but I'm afraid it might be a little too risque for the Café ... and I wouldn't want this thread to be deleted.

Anybody who wants to hear it via PM, let me know!
Arthur Stead
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Bob1Dog
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Shoot me the pm........
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about? Smile

My neighbor rang my doorbell at 2:30 a.m. this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 a.m.!? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
Bill Hallahan
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Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?

He's alright now.
Humans make life so interesting. Do you know that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to create boredom. Quite astonishing.
- The character of ‘Death’ in the movie "Hogswatch"
Bob1Dog
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My mother told me once that when she was carrying me in her third trimester and was going through a stack of old 78 RPM records. This was in the late forties and she just wanted to clean out the old ones from her father's era. So she gets a stack of about twenty-five records and takes them into the kitchen en route to the back door and the trash can in the yard. About midway to the kitchen, one of the records slips from the middle, causing the whole stack in her arm to fall out of her hands and onto the floor, cracking many of them and breaking several as well. She always said she was glad she didn't fall because we both could have been hurt.

Indeed, she was correct, it was a good thing because this incident never affected me....never affected me.....never affected me......never affected me....never affected me.............
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about? Smile

My neighbor rang my doorbell at 2:30 a.m. this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 a.m.!? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
frankvomit
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How do you know when a bass player is knocking at your door?
Always comes in late and is never on time.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
Slows down and speeds up when he knocks.

What does a guitar solo have in common with diahrea?
You know both are coming but there's nothing you can do about it.
Magnus Eisengrim
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Missionaries in the deep jungle were astonished by constant drumming, lasting days on end. The same beat over and over. Somewhere over the hills, there must be teams of drummers taking shifts to keep the uninterrupted rhythm.

One missionary asked a local, "Is this common?"

"Yes."

"What happens when the drumming stops?"

Fear overtook the local man. "Bass solo!"
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.--Yeats
arthur stead
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Magnus, there's an extended version of this joke on page 2 of this thread.
Arthur Stead
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Magnus Eisengrim
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Right you are, Arthur. My apologies. All raspberries should be directed at Arthur Stead, perpetrator.
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.--Yeats
arthur stead
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I accept your kind compliment. Really bad joke to follow shortly ...
Arthur Stead
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Bob1Dog
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Most people know the legend of William Tell and his unique method of making applesauce, but not many know that he and his family were championship bowlers. Highly skilled, their team was sponsored eagerly by local merchants. To have "Tell's Terrors" represent your firm was a great honor.

Even now, to be able to claim that the Tells once represented your family business would be of great advertising value. Unfortunately, the old records have been lost, and today we can't be sure for whom the Tells bowl.
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about? Smile

My neighbor rang my doorbell at 2:30 a.m. this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 a.m.!? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
arthur stead
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Abe goes to see his local rabbi with an unusual request. "Rabbi," he asks, "what do you do with all the little foreskins after circumcision?" The rabbi replies: "We usually just throw them away."

"Would you save them for me?" asks Abe, explaining that he's working on a special project. The rabbi has no objections, and so he starts saving all the skins. After a few months, a delighted Abe collects a whole shoe-box full of them.

About a week later, Abe comes to see his rabbi and very proudly displays a beautiful ladies handbag, expertly sewn from all the little skins. "That's very nice, Abe," says the rabbi. "How much are you going to charge for it?" "A thousand dollars," replies Abe. "A thousand!" exclaims the rabbi. "Isn't that a little expensive for a handbag - especially one made out of discarded foreskins?"

"But this is not just a handbag, " says Abe. "You rub it ... it becomes a suitcase!"
Arthur Stead
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Bob1Dog
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Many years ago, a fisherman and his wife had twin sons, but they didn't know what to name them. The husband said, "Let's just wait. If we wait long enough, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks, they noticed something peculiar about the children. When left alone, one boy would face the sea, and the other would face inland.

"Let's call the boys Toward and Away," suggested the fisherman, and his wife agreed.

Years passed, and one day the fisherman told his adult sons, "It's time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." The fisherman and his sons provisioned their ship and set sail for a three-month voyage. At the voyage's end, the fisherman returned alone.

"What happened?" his wife cried.

"We were barely one day out to sea," the fisherman explained solemnly, "when Toward hooked a great fish. Toward fought long and hard, but the fish was great and strong. For whole week they wrestled upon the waves, yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Toward was pulled over the side. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear!" the wife cried. "What a huge fish that must have been! What a terrible fish! What a horrible fish!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about? Smile

My neighbor rang my doorbell at 2:30 a.m. this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 a.m.!? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
TomKMagic
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If you shake some lettuce and dressing in a bowl, is that a seizure salad?
You must be smarter than the tools you are using...

Tom Kracker
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Bob1Dog
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There was a chicken farmer who lived in a village in China. One year, his chickens were afflicted with a strange blight that caused them to lose their feathers. The farmer was deeply concerned about this, because winter was coming, and, if the chickens had no feathers, they would freeze to death.

So, the farmer decided to consult the two wisest men in the land. First, he visited Mr. Hing, the renowned scholar. Mr. Hing leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and pored over books and scrolls well into the night. Finally, he returned to the farmer and told him that, if he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder, made it into tea, and fed it to his chickens, they would be cured.

The farmer then went to Mr. Ming, the great seer. Mr. Ming cast stones, read tea leaves, and poked through entrails until finally he came up with the answer: "As surely as gum causes a shoe to stick to the ground, tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chickens."

Now the farmer was ecstatic. The two wisest men in the land had given him exactly the same prescription. So, as soon as he returned home, he took some gum leaves and made tea from them. He mixed this with the chicken feed and fed it to his chickens. But it didn't work. The chickens continued to lose their feathers, and, with the onset of winter, they all froze.

Despite all that, all of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen.
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about? Smile

My neighbor rang my doorbell at 2:30 a.m. this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 a.m.!? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
Michael Baker
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I remember Patrick Page using this joke while he performed the torn and restored newspaper...

A man buys a hamster from a pet shop, takes it home and puts it in a cage. However, within a couple of days it is dead.

Unwilling to waste the body, the man cuts it up, boils it up with sugar and makes a pot of jam out of it. Not surprisingly it tastes foul. He throws the jam out of the window in disgust.

The next morning he looks out the window and there are beautiful roses, having appeared where the jam was thrown. Excitedly, the man rushes back to the pet shop to tell the assistant about this strange development.

Assistant says: But Sir that's impossible. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU GET TULIPS FROM HAMSTER JAM.
~michael baker
The Magic Company
Pakar Ilusi
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Quote:
On 2013-10-29 16:15, arthur stead wrote:
Abe goes to see his local rabbi with an unusual request. "Rabbi," he asks, "what do you do with all the little foreskins after circumcision?" The rabbi replies: "We usually just throw them away."

"Would you save them for me?" asks Abe, explaining that he's working on a special project. The rabbi has no objections, and so he starts saving all the skins. After a few months, a delighted Abe collects a whole shoe-box full of them.

About a week later, Abe comes to see his rabbi and very proudly displays a beautiful ladies handbag, expertly sewn from all the little skins. "That's very nice, Abe," says the rabbi. "How much are you going to charge for it?" "A thousand dollars," replies Abe. "A thousand!" exclaims the rabbi. "Isn't that a little expensive for a handbag - especially one made out of discarded foreskins?"

"But this is not just a handbag, " says Abe. "You rub it ... it becomes a suitcase!"


Smile Smile
"Dreams aren't a matter of Chance but a matter of Choice." -DC-
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