Why do fish live in saltwater?

Pepper makes them sneeze.

An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands in Queensland had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, a barbecue and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “'I'm here to feed the crocodile.”

Q: Where does a pirate drink his rum?
A: At the barrrr

One day two carrots, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over. The uninjured carrot called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured carrot was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured carrot, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through." "The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".

http://seekcartoon.com/watch/11445-power......AiIVcaAM


http://www.hauntedhouseassociation.org/h......aver/258


:bat:

(OK, what am I doing wrong?)

Did you click on the bat below the screen or type it in? Above is what happened when I clicked on it.

Yeah, I figured that out. I typed it in as :vampire bat: first because that was what the image said when I opened it, then I edited it and tried which is what the image shows if I hover over it. (But not ALL of them!) I've discovered that you can't the images in an edit.


"Oh snap!"

You hear about the new band called 912 megabites?


They haven't had any gigs yet.

Two blondes went to a costume party, both dressed as Betty Boop. When they saw each other, they were very angry, because they couldn't stand the thought that someone else was wearing the same costume. They started feuding, and one of them grabbed the other's name tag and changed it so that it read "Betty Bop." The second immediately did the same, so they were both wearing the wrong name tag and were angrier than ever.

Suddenly there was an unearthly moan, and a ghost appeared to them, also dressed as Betty Boop. It intoned, "Beware, mortals! I was once such as you, but through my pettiness and wrath I came to this! Beware, lest ye too suffer my grim fate! Beware!" But the two blondes ignored the apparition and kept feuding.

Things continued along those lines until the scat-singing contest. When it was the first blonde's turn, she did spectacularly, so much so that the audience demanded an encore. This made the second blonde so angry that she snapped, snuck up onto the bandstand, and slipped a bomb into the bass drum. But she greviously overestimated the length of the song, and it ended before she could get away. The drummer hit the bass drum, the bomb went off, and both the blondes and several innocent bystanders were killed.

And the moral of the story is: Bop, Bop, Boo-Bop: She Bopped; Bam, Boom!

An xray photon walked into a bar. The bartender says, "can I get you something to drink?" The xray photon said, "no, I'm just having a look inside!"

"A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities.

His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."

She said, "Pardon?"

He said, "I said I love you."

She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."

She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"

He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."

Q: How do farmers gather their crops at night?
A: With tractor beams.

A squirrel was sitting in a tree eating some nuts. Suddenly the tree started to shake like crazy.He looks down, and sees an elephant climbing up the tree. The squirrel says "Hey, what are you doing?" The elephant replies,"I'm coming up here for a peach." The squirrel says, "There's no peaches up here, This is a pine tree!" The elephant says, "That's OK. I brought my own peach."

All of you guys jokes are alwhite to me.

I once heard a joke from the guy who invented desiccant silica gel.
It was kind of funny, but he had a dry sense of humor.

I went to see a psychiatrist today and he told me my problem was I need to learn to think more for myself. What do you think I should do?

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."

A pirate crashes his boat one day out to sea he survives but the stearing wheel of the ship had gotten cought on his privates
And would not come off. Naturally upset and frustrated he decides to go to the bar for a drink when he gets there the bartender notices the steering wheel on the pirates privates and says wow that has to be a problem. The pirate replied Arrrgh I know it's driving me nuts!

This is a lazy post, but some of these are funny.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/2......ly-funny

Just saw this on Facebook. Actually a good joke...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing watching a street performer. The performer notices that the four men have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large box and calls out, "Can you see me now?"
The men answer,
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"