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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Not very magical, still... » » Really Bad Jokes (14 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

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mastermindreader
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My favorite bad joke is one Jackie Gleason insisted on telling once a year, even if no one ever laughed at it:

A two headed midget gets cast in a movie back in the 1940's. The highlight of his life is when he gets to meet John Wayne. For years, he proudly tells all of his friends that he knows John Wayne.

One day, it's announced that John Wayne will be arriving at the airport in the midget's home town. He gets all excited and brings all his friends to the airport to greet his old friend.

John Wayne gets off the plane. The midget jumps up and down, both of his heads yelling "Hi, John!" in unison.

John Wayne gives him the briefest glance and, without changing his expression, just walks right by, ignoring him completely.

The midget is completely crestfallen and starts to cry. One of his friends puts his hand on his shoulder to comfort him and says, "Don't worry. It's been a long time since he's seen you. Maybe he didn't recognize you."
Bob1Dog
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Frog walks into the Bank of Ireland for a loan. He's escorted to Paddy Mack, the loan officer. Paddy says to frog, "So, you want to borrow some money?" Frog says "Yeah, I need two thousand euros to buy a ring for my fiance."

Paddy says to frog, well sir, do you have any collateral?"

Frog says, "I got this here antique porcelain Chinese figurine."

Paddy says, "Let me see if I have this right, you want a two thousand euro loan and all you have to offer for collateral is a piece of porcelain? I can't approve this loan, I have to take it to the Vice President of the bank."

Paddy Mack goes to his boss and says, "Sorry to bother you but I got this frog in my office who wants a two thousand euro loan and all he has to offer for collateral is an antique Chinese porcelain figure. Whaddaya think?"

The VP thinks for a few seconds and then he says,
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"It's a knick knack Paddy Mack, give the frog a loan!"
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about? Smile

My neighbor rang my doorbell at 2:30 a.m. this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 a.m.!? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
Michael Baker
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A mythical race of people called the Trids were under siege by a troll that lived under a bridge. Every time one of the Trids attempted to cross the bridge, the troll jumped out and kicked the Trid to death.

Unable to find a solution, the Trids called upon a Rabbi from a neighboring village to try and reason with the troll.

So the Rabbi went to the bridge and when he attempted to cross the bridge, the troll jumped out, saw him and went back under the bridge without incident.

The Rabbi asked the troll why he hadn't tried to kick him.
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The troll replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
~michael baker
The Magic Company
smudgedj
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A mouse walks into a cheese shop and looks at the man behind the counter and says 'I'd like to buy a mouth organ'
Man looks at the mouse and 'sorry mate this is a cheese shop we don't sell mouth organs in here'
'Oh Ok' says the mouse and starts to walk out.
The man stops him and says 'yesterday we had a lady mouse in here and she wanted to buy a mouth organ aswell'
'Ah yes', said the mouse 'that'll be our Monica'
Michael Baker
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A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender of course notices, and asks, "What's that all about?"

The frog says, "Well, it started as a small bump on my ass..."
~michael baker
The Magic Company
Michael Baker
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For Halloween...

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

AND the No. 1 reason why trick or treating is better than sex.........
YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD IN ONE NIGHT!!
~michael baker
The Magic Company
Bob1Dog
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I love these; another one.

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was a nice guy and Sam, well, he wasn't the angel that Larry was.

Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.

Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.

Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you;re the nicest clam we've ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed.

Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help."

Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot."

St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, "I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. Would you like that ?"

This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. They hugged each other and they were off. In Hell Sam owned a disco. They spent the day there together and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went back up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, "Larry, didn't you forget something?"

Larry looked around and said, "No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings."

St. Peter looked at him and said, "Yes, but what about your harp?" Larry gasped and said,
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"YIKES! I Left My Harp in Sam Clam's Disco!"
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about? Smile

My neighbor rang my doorbell at 2:30 a.m. this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 a.m.!? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
frankvomit
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Ha! All really good ones! Bob I remember that Jacky Gleason Joke from a TV special I watched when I was a kid. a real classic! Keep em coming, also loved Our Monica! here's another on:

This duck walks into a Pharmacy and walks up the the Pharmacist and asks "Got and grapes?"
"No." the pharmacist replies "but there's a supermarket down the street they'll have grapes there."
"ok" says the duck as he waddles away.

The next day the same duck walks into the Pharmacy again and the Pharmacist looks at him "may I help you?" he asks
Duck says "got any grapes?"
Looking perturbed the pharmacist once again says "No, there's a supermarket down the street they'll have grapes there."
Duck say's"Ok" and thanks the pharmacist and leaves.

Next day the duck walks into the pharmacy again and walks up to the pharmacist and again asks "got any grapes?"
now at this point the pharmacist has lost his patience and says "listen buddy I told you twice now there's a supermarket down the street they have grapes there. Now if you come in here one more time asking me for grapes I'm nailing your feet to the floor!"
"Ok." duck says politely and leaves.

Next day duck walks into the Pharmacy and up to the pharmacist again looks at him and asks "got any nails?"
"Nails!?" the pharmacist replies "No I don't have any nails why would I have any nails?"
Duck replies "Got any grapes?"
TomKMagic
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I tripped over
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There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday"
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................ Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
You must be smarter than the tools you are using...

Tom Kracker
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Bob1Dog
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Good one Tom! I hadn't heard that one! Smile
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about? Smile

My neighbor rang my doorbell at 2:30 a.m. this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 a.m.!? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
arthur stead
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Sam goes to Rio de Janeiro on holiday. When he gets off the plane, he hears a consistent drumming sound coming from the hills. All through the airport, and while waiting for his luggage at baggage claim, those drums just continue to play. As he's checking through customs, he asks the customs official: "Do those drums ever stop?" "Oh no, Sir," says the agent, "If de drums stop, is very bad. Very bad."

Sam gets into a cab, and while being driven into the city, he is struck by the fact that the drums are still playing. "Tell me something," he asks the cab driver, "Do those drums ever stop?" "Oh no, Sir," is the reply. "If de drums stop, is very bad. Very bad."

At the hotel, he checks in, has a late snack, and finally goes to bed ... all the while listening to that persistent drumming. In fact, all through the night, he can hear those drums beating. And in the morning, they're still playing as he showers and has breakfast, and prepares to go see the sights. On his way out of the hotel, he asks the desk clerk: "Those drums ... do they EVER stop?" Oh no, Sir," says the desk clerk, "If de drums stop, is very bad. Very bad."

"But WHY?" asks Sam. "WHY is it bad if the drums stop?"

The desk clerk replies: "If de drums stop ... bass solo!"
Arthur Stead
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Pakar Ilusi
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Michael Jackson meets Elvis in Heaven.

Elvis says...

'So Mike, you screwed my daughter yup?'

Michael Jackson, a bit worried, answers...

'Uh, yes...'

Elvis says...

'Don't worry, at least you're The King of Pop. It could've been worse.'

Michael Jackson asks...

'How?'

Elvis answers...

'It could've been Prince.'

:goof:

(I came up with that bad joke all by myself! Smile )
"Dreams aren't a matter of Chance but a matter of Choice." -DC-
MobilityBundle
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What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

What's brown and sticky? A stick.
TomKMagic
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I tripped over
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How does a cat greet someone in China? "Ni hao"

(get it, sounds like meow)
You must be smarter than the tools you are using...

Tom Kracker
My website
Michael Baker
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Little Johnny loved balloons. He spent all of his allowance money on them; bought them every chance he had. He loved them so much that they started to take over the house. In fact, there were so many that there was nowhere for anyone to sit, stand, walk or breathe. Well, Johnny's mom had finally had it, so she told Johnny to get rid of every single balloon in the house and never buy another one, ever again.

Little Johnny was heartbroken, but obeyed his mom, and got rid of every single balloon. Very sad, Johnny strolled around the town and soon found himself looking in the storefront of a candy shop. He saw a sign that said, "Buy 3 pieces of candy, get a free balloon."

So, his little mind started working and he reasoned, "Mom told me not to BUY any balloons, but she never said I could not get one for free!"

Temptation got the better of him, so he bought some candy just to get the free balloon, a red one. He quickly ate the candy just so he could start playing with his real prize, that beloved red balloon.

Well, about three quarters of the way home, he started thinking about his mom, and realized that what he had done was not going to sit well with her, in spite of how he got it. So, Johnny partially deflates the balloon, and hides it under his clothes as he walks into the house.

Once inside, he quickly runs to the bathroom and locks the door. There he was alone to play with his wonderful red balloon. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door! Johnny's mom was outside saying, "Come out of there, I need to use the bathroom." Johnny started to panic so he did the only thing he could think to do and he put the balloon in the toilet and closed the lid.

Well, Johnny's mom does go in and uses the toilet and when finished, she stands up and does that customary glance in the bowl before flushing. That's when she sees the partially inflated balloon floating in there amongst the other "stuff".

She starts to panic and runs to the phone, where she calls her doctor. "Doctor Norman, you have to come over right away. I swear I think I've passed a vital organ."

Well, the doctor soon arrives and goes to the toilet and is both amazed and bewildered by the strange thing in the toilet. So, he gets his forceps and starts to poke at the balloon, when, "POP!"

They both go white as sheets. Doctor Norman turns to Johnny's mom and says, "I don't know about you, but I think you and I may be the first people on Earth that have ever seen a fart."
~michael baker
The Magic Company
Michael Baker
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Three old British gentlemen were sitting around the lodge sipping brandy and swapping lies about their great safaris and hunting conquests. After a few doozies, one of the chaps began his tale...

"There I was in the deepest, darkest regions of Africa, when I came upon a clearing. It got very quiet, when all of a sudden, a gigantic, 9 foot tall, hairy monster jumped out from behind the brush and screamed, AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!. Well I dare say, I shat my pants."

One of the other gentlemen replies, "Well bloody hell... I think if I had been assaulted by a big hairy monster, I would have shat my pants, too!"

The first chap says, "No, no, no... not way back then... I mean just now, when I went AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
~michael baker
The Magic Company
landmark
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The stalwart Soviet comrade Rudolf and his wife Olga are arguing vehemently about the inclement weather outside . He says it's raining, she says it's snow. They decide to go outside to check. Immediately they are deluged by a torrent of water. The man turns triumphantly to his wife and says, "See, Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"
Cliffg37
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This is supposed to be a true story, but it think it is hysterical enough to count as a joke.

Andre the Giant is visiting his hometown, a small town in France. He goes into a bar to get a drink. The man had an amazing capacity for alcohol. While in the bar, four guys who have had a few to many start pestering Andre. Andre was a genuinely nice man, and was slow to lose his temper, but they kept pushing and eventually he got mad and charged at them. Seeing him at full size, his width was as amazing as his height, they ran like hell. The four guys jumped into a tiny little French car. Before they could drive off, Andre came running out, picked up the car by the side and flipped it upside down. Content that the four guys had paid for being jerks, he left.

Soon a cop came over, and pulled the four drunks out of the upside down car. "What happened?" the cop wanted to know.

"Well, a giant came out of the bar and turned over our car..."

I would have loved to see the cops face when he got that from a drunk.
Magic is like Science,
Both are fun if you do it right!
Bob1Dog
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An oldie:

Why are fire engines red?

There are eight wheels and four men on a fire engine.

Four and eight makes 12.

There are 12 inches in a ruler.

Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.

The Queen Elizabeth was a ship.

Ships sail in the sea.

The sea has fish.

Fish have fins.

The Finns fought the Russians.

The Russians are "red".

And that's why fire engines are red because they're Russian all over.
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about? Smile

My neighbor rang my doorbell at 2:30 a.m. this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 a.m.!? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
Bob1Dog
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Last one, I promise! (well for awhile anyway Smile ) I can't help myself!

There was a farmer who grew a monster strawberry and was certain that it must be a world record. He called the county agricultural agent to come out and see it and confirm if it was indeed the largest strawberry ever grown. That afternoon the farmer looked out his window just in time to see the county agent stuffing the enormous strawberry into the trunk of his car. He ran outside in a rage and demanded that the agent give a reason why he was making off with his prized berry.
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"Oh you don't understand," explained the county agent. "I came to appraise your berry, not to seize it."
What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about? Smile

My neighbor rang my doorbell at 2:30 a.m. this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 a.m.!? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
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