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scottr New user Michigan 69 Posts |
...bartender turn and says, "Why the long face?"
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hkwiles Special user Howard Wiles 797 Posts |
A White Horse walks into a bar..bar man says.
"Hey we've got a whiskey named after you!" The horse replies. "What? A whiskey called Eric?" Howard |
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Mental_Mike Special user Canada 726 Posts |
A horse walks into a bar.....Ouch
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Nir Dahan Inner circle Munich, Germany 1390 Posts |
A horse walks into a bar... and asks why is this in the "penny for your thoughts forum?"
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Sid Mayer Special user Santa Fe, NM 656 Posts |
A penny for your thoughts?
Grossly overpriced. Sid
All the world's a stage ... and everybody on it is overacting.
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scottr New user Michigan 69 Posts |
Scott the bartender turns and says...
"I posted a topic and then thought better of it. After unsuccessfully searching for a way to delete said post, the best I could do was edit it. Left with the choice of leaving a blank post or the chance to share a smile, I decided on the smile" Best! Scott |
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Chrystal Inner circle Canada/France 1552 Posts |
A LIMPING dog walked into the bar and said "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."
(I don't have any horse sense so told a dog tale instead) |
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Magix Elite user 432 Posts |
A pony walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Are you feeling ok?" The pony says, "Well, I am a little hoarse".
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Missy_Magic New user Australia 40 Posts |
An oldie but a goodie:)
Three strings walk into a bar and ask for a drink. The Bartender says "I'm sorry we don't serve string here." The three strings walk out of the bar dissapointed. When outside, one of the strings comes up with a good idea. The string ties himself in a knot and ruffles his end. He walks back into the bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you a piece of string?" To which the string relpies, "I'm afraid knot!" --->Wynsome |
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Reis O'Brien Inner circle Seattle, WA 2467 Posts |
A mushroom asks this lady sitting next to him at the bar if he could buy her a drink. The lady says, "No thanks," and the mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fungi!"
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Jordan Piper Veteran user British Columbia, Canada 309 Posts |
A guy sitting at the bar having a drink hears, "Hey buddy, nice shoes." The guy looks around and seeing no one other than the bartender thinks nothing of it. A few minutes later the guy hears, "Hey buddy, nice hair cut." The man, a little freaked out asks the bartender who keeps saying these things. The bartender says, "It's the peanuts. There complimentary."
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Missy_Magic New user Australia 40 Posts |
THE BRAIN
A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please." The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you." "Why not?" askes the brain. "You're already out of your head." THE SHORT MAN A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!" Kekekeke --->Wynsome |
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Reg Rozee Special user Vancouver, Canada 592 Posts |
So one day a horse is trotting down the street, and decides to turn in to a bar...
<BAMF!> Pretty good trick, hey? -Reg {*}
Reality is what doesn't go away when you stop believing in it. -Phillip K. Dick
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? -Chico Marx |
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jonesc2ii Loyal user Oxford, England 235 Posts |
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: OK, I give up. Where's the boat?" ************************************************* A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." ***************************************************** A horse walks into a bar and asks for a pint. The barman thinks... hmm, I can rip off this horse without him realising, so charges £13 for the pint. The barman later says "We don't get many horses in this pub" to that the horse replied "I'm not surprised the price you charge for a pint!"
www.ixyl.co.uk/forums - for when you fancy a debate or a quiet chat.
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nums Veteran user I have a life, or I would have more than 366 Posts |
A man goes into a bar and orders 3 beers. Barkeep says “all together?” and the man say yes. Barkeep asks “why three?” and the man explains he and two of his war buddies made a pact that when they ordered a beer they would order one for the other two as well and drink to them. This happened everyday for years when the man comes in and ordered just 2 beers. The barkeep looked at the man sadly and asked if one of his buddies had died, to which the man said, No I have decided to give up drinking.
Jeff |
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El_Lamo Special user Canada 589 Posts |
A termite walks into a bar and asks
"Where's the bar tender?"
Life is a system of circumstance presented coincidently in an illusory way.
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josie67 Regular user Syracuse, NY 118 Posts |
An egg and a sausage are laying in a frying pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says "Man, it's pretty hot in here". The sausage says "Oh my God - a talking Egg!".
**** A cowboy walks in to a bar and says," I want a beer." So after he drank his beer he was about to leave then he noticed that his horse was gone.He shouted," if I don't get my horse back after this beer I am gonna have to do what I did in Georgia. So he finished his beer and he saw his horse was back so he got on and rode a little, then the bartender asked out the window what did you have in Georgia? I had to walk home. **** A man goes into a bar with his little Jack Russell terrier. He puts the dog on the bar stool next to him. The bartender wanders over and the man says: "I'll have a pint thanks, mate." The dog says: "I'll have the same." The bartender does a double- take and looks over to the dog and asks: "Did you just talk?" "Yep," says the dog. "My God! That's incredible. This is unreal. Who would have thought: a talking dog, here in my bar? Tell me more about yourself. You must have had an amazing life as a talking dog." The dog assumes an indifferent pose and speaks in quite a matter-of-fact manner. "Yeah, you could say it's been a journey. I trained for a while with the US Marines. Saw a bit of action in Iraq - can't tell you more. I joined the Bolshoi Ballet for a stint. That was hard work but incredibly satisfying. I've written a few best-selling novels in my spare time. That was good fun. Of course, there have been film offers, TV shows. Wine, women and song. All that." The bartender is now purple with excitement. He turns to the man. "We could make a fortune. We could charge people to come into this bar and hear your dog talk. How much would you charge to allow your dog to talk here?" "About $10," the man replies. "Why only $10 - that's madness," exclaims the bartender. The man answers: "He's a liar. He hasn't done half those things."
Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not both fall into the ditch?
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Greg Arce Inner circle 6732 Posts |
A priest, rabbi, horse, midget & cowboy walk into a bar and the bartender looks up and says, "Is this a joke?"
________________________________________________________________ A drunken man wakes up at the bar and calls the bartender over. Drunk, "Hey, I'm going to show you something that'll get me free drinks." He reaches into his coat and pulls out a tiny piano and stool and sets it on the bar. Now he reaches into his coat and pull out a frog and sits it behind the piano. He snaps his fingers and the frog begins to play songs perfectly on the piano. The bartender looks startled then is amazed by the act and starts giving the guy free drinks. People gather around to watch the frog play. An hour passes and the frog continues. The drunk calls the bartender over and says, "Let me show you something that will get me free drinks every time I come in here." He reaches in his coat and pulls out a tiny microphone on a stand and puts it on the piano. He reaches further in his coat and pulls out a rat. He puts the rat behind the mic and snaps his finger. The rat starts to sing songs that match what the frog is playing. The entire place bursts into applause. For hours the frog plays and the rat sings... the place is packed. A man struggles through the crowd and gets up to the front. He approaches the drunk and says, "I'll give you a thousand dollars for this act." The drunk says, "No." "How about ten thousand?" "No." "Okay, I've got fifty thousand dollars on me and I'll give you that for just the rat." The drunk thinks a bit and then says, "Okay." They make the transaction and the man takes the rat away... the frog never stops playing. The bartender has watched the whole thing and for the first time speaks up, "buddy, I hate to tell you this, but you just gave away a multimillion dollar act." The drunk says, "Oh, I think I won this one.' Bartender, "How you figure?" Drunk, "The frog's a ventriloquist." Greg
One of my favorite quotes: "A critic is a legless man who teaches running."
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Missy_Magic New user Australia 40 Posts |
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." Kekekeke --->Wynsome |
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Jordan Piper Veteran user British Columbia, Canada 309 Posts |
This guy goes out every Friday and gets really drunk. When he gets home he always farts something awful and his wife say's "One of these days you'll fart your guts out", to which the man says never. So one Friday night while his wife is making a turkey dinner the man goes to the bar and gets drunk. When he staggers home and passes out the wife decides to play a joke on him. She takes the turkey giblets and puts them between his legs. The next morning the man awakes and runs into the kitchen. "Honey, you were right. Last night I farted my guts out, but with the grace of God and my two fingers, I shoved em right back in.
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