A car battery goes into a bar and asks the bar tender "1 Pint please".

To which the bartender replies "Sorry I can't serve you.....you're a car battery!!"

The car battery said, "Oh go on......Please!???"

The bartender, with reluctance, replied "Oh Go on then...
.... But you better not start anything!!"
*****************************************

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and puts his hat upon it.

"Beer for me and a beer for the Giraffe bartender please." The bartender looks at the man oddly but obliges since the guy has his money out ready to pay.

The man drinks his beer and then feeds the Giraffe his beer. The giraffe hiccups loudly then keels over landing heavily on the floor, sprawled out with its legs in the air and tongue hanging out to the left.

The man picks up his hat and places it upon his head and turns around to walk out of the door...

The bartender seeing this shouts the man back

"HEY Your not going to leave that lying there are you??" The man replies..."Its not a Lion its a Giraffe!!"

(sorry)

A man goes into a bar and says to the keep, give me a jack and coke before the troubles starts....keep gives him the drink and the man downs it. Keep says that will be $4.00 and the man says uh-oh the trouble is starting....

Jeff

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

--->Wynsome

So a seal walks into a club...

A man was always telling his friends "it could be worse". One day Joe came up to him and said "I am in big trouble, I came home early from work, found my wife in bed with another man and shot them both. The man says "it could be worse". Joe says "how in the heck could it be worse. And the man says "if you would have came home early yesterday you would have shot me."

Jeff

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

A guy walks into a bar & asks the bartender for 5 shots of whiskey, the bartender pours the 5 shots & the man gulps them all down & asks for 5 more. The bartender tells the man to slow down as he pours the other 5 shots. The man starts gulping down the shots & tells the bartender that he would be drinking like this too if he had what he had.

The bartender looks at him & asks what do you have?

The man replies,32 cents.


Mike

A cheeseburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Sorry. We don't serve food."

Scott, you've waited four years to explain this.

So, explain it.

What happened to the horse, guys?

----------------------

A horse walks into a bar, sits down and orders a scotch and water. The bartender brings it and says "That'll be $20. Say, we don't get many horses in here."

The horse says "At these prices, you won't get many more."

-----------------------

A priest, a rabbi and a horse walk into a bar, and the bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The guy sitting next to him whispers to the bartender, "I'll bet you $20 I can make this horse laugh." The bartender takes the bet, and the guy leans over and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse breaks out in a huge horselaugh. The bartender grudgingly pays up. A few minutes later, the guy leans over to the bartender and whispers, "I'll bet you $100 I can make this horse cry." The bartender figures there's nothing the guy can say or do that will make a big, strong horse cry, so he takes the bet. The guy proceeds to lead the horse out into the alley. Thirty seconds later he leads the horse back in and it's crying like a baby. The bartender pays up but says, "Okay, I want you to tell me how you won both those bets. "Well," the guy says, "The first time I whispered in his ear that..."

Oh, wait a minute! I can't tell that joke here!

A cowboy ties up his horse outside a saloon, and goes in to have a drink. When he comes outside again, someone has painted his horse's backside yellow! He goes back in the saloon and yells,
"Which one of you rotten, cowardly, spineless %*&^%'s painted my horse's backside!?!"

At that, a hulking, seven foot tall Indian stands up from his corner table. On closer inspection, his teeth are filed to sharp points, and his eyes blaze with fury. He says,
"I did."

The cowboy says,
"Well, I just wanted to let you know that the first coat is dry..."
____________________

At least it has a horse in it...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a scotch.Pays for his drink, drinks it and quietly leaves. After he is gone, a guy sitting at the bar turns to the bartender and says:

"A horse just ordered a drink. isn't that amazing!!!?"

"It really is", the bartender says, "he usually drinks beer."

A horse and a cowboy walked out of bar... It could happen!

Bob

Dude - I haven't heard that joke in forever!

Brilliant!