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The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Looking out for our own » » ....and then a family member dies :( (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

BCE
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254 Posts

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On top a lot of personal troubles with which I am dealing, still trying to stay afloat and stay grounded, I received word that a family member (immediately family) has died. And the terrible thing is, I am not necessary grieving that per se, but I am having a VERY difficult time seeing/hearing my parents and sisters openly crying and near tears when they are talking with me. I'm NOT supposed to be seeing that: parents are NOT supposed to be making funeral arrangements for their kids, particularly a firstborn child (which now makes *me* the oldest brother.) It's not supposed to be like this. I don't want to sound ignorant or naive or whatever, but am I supposed to tell my mom, "I'm sorry for your loss" when it's *my* loss, too? Am I supposed to tell my dad, "I'm sorry for your loss" when it's *my* loss, too? And what sort of Hallmark card should I be sending to my parents, or to my sisters, if I'm *supposed* to be sending a card or flowers to anyone? Shouldn't *I* be the one getting flowers? I honestly really wanted to take medical leave off work for unrelated reasons prior to this, and now I will be on bereavement leave with possible medical leave the following week just so I can get through this.

I'm just really really hurting right now, and I'm really really confused about what I'm feeling right now, and I just really need some prayers, kind thoughts, whatever, just to help me get through all this.
Mary Mowder
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Sacramento / Elk Grove, CA
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BCE,

I've lost two Brothers and I feel for you.

It is devastating when this happens on top of trouble.

Strangely when I've had compounded troubles like this there was a kind of numbness that helped allow me to do what needed to be done. IF this should be the case, don't think you are unfeeling. It is a coping mechanism.

It is OK to acknowledge that you are all hurting.

Flowers and cards aren't nearly as important as supporting each other. This may include helping financially (if you can, I'm almost always broke) helping to make arrangements, giving a ride to older folks who may need it or just talking. Sometimes these "jobs" can help take your mind off the pain you are feeling.

If you need help, see if your insurance might help with some counseling. Your Job should be understanding considering your Eldest Brother has just died.

I can tell you from experience, eventually your happier memories of your Brother will have more weight than your loss.

Better times are coming.

-Mary Mowder
RicHeka
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I am very sorry for your loss BCE.

Although the following site won't alleviate 'all' the sad thoughts you are currently experiencing....you may find some inspiration, and relief....especially if you use the wonderful search feature to key in on specific topics.

http://greatday.com/

I often go there when I need inspiration, motivation, and things put in perspective.

All the best.
Rich
pabloinus
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1582 Posts

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I don't think that you need flowers, cards or anything, just talk..., to your sisters and to your parents, grieve with them, cry and remember the person that left. It is ok to be hurt and feel bad, time will help to heal. If you are religious go and pray for him, for your family and for you, if you are not religious then think on something nice about your brother and stay with that thought as much as you can.

I will pray for you
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