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weepinwil Inner circle USA 3828 Posts |
At the Discount Funeral Parlor, we are always trying to make our clients look good while making a buck here and there as well. Unless you have been in the business, you would have no idea how many dentures we have to remove and replace with a mouth former, which is a prosthetic that gives the mouth a perfect shape. Consequently, over the years we have collected a large can of full and partial plates.
If you have ever had to have dentures made, or repaired, you know they can be very costly, sometimes $500 or more, and many people cannot afford them. While I believe you should look great in Death, I also believe you should look good in life. Therefore, if you are interested in a cheap pair of dentures, all you have to do is bite into a soft bar of soap or block of wax, and send us the impression. We will match up the best we can and choose a denture just slightly larger than your impression and send the denture and the Halloween wax used to hold false teeth in place. Just heat the enclosed wax and put into the denture and put in your mouth. Once it sets, you have a perfectly fitting dental plate for a fraction of the cost. Everyone wins. The client goes in style, the dentures are disposed of, the cost of the prosthetic is covered, and someone gets a great set of choppers at a discount price. Any idea how successful this may be? We'd like to open soon in the office between the embalming room and birthing room. Thanks for your help. Weepin' Willie Death Emporium and Birthing Center "We serve you from the womb to the tomb!"
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
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Philemon Vanderbeck Inner circle Seattle, WA 4694 Posts |
All I want for Christmas is . . . someone else's two front teeth?
Professor Philemon Vanderbeck
That Creepy Magician "I use my sixth sense to create the illusion of possessing the other five." |
weepinwil Inner circle USA 3828 Posts |
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On Dec 16, 2016, Philemon Vanderbeck wrote: We can do that!
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
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Magical Dimensions Inner circle 5001 Posts |
Quote:
On Dec 16, 2016, Philemon Vanderbeck wrote: LOL |
Wizard of Oz Inner circle Most people wish I didn't have 5150 Posts |
Weepinwill, while I appreciate your business venture, in the long run, I think it bites. So sorry.
Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
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Godzilla Inner circle Tied & Untied Witches on 5316 Posts |
Willie, You should go into business with the " Tooth Faerie ".
Faeries, seem to be very popular (& profitable) over the last couple of years !
"If you watch Godzilla backwards, it's about a big ass lizard who helps rebuild a half burnt-down city, then moonwalks back into the ocean"
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weepinwil Inner circle USA 3828 Posts |
Quote:
On Dec 16, 2016, Wizard of Oz wrote: Actually, that might be a slogan, "Weepin' Willies Discount Dentures: They Bite!" Thanks, I am now encouraged even more.
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
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weepinwil Inner circle USA 3828 Posts |
Quote:
On Dec 17, 2016, Godzilla wrote: Can you imagine what the fine would be if you get caught hawking artificial teeth to the Tooth Faerie?
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
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Lord Malloc New user Connecticut 6 Posts |
This is sick, morbid and totally disgusting. There are programs available to get affordable dentures. Payment plans too.
Be creative and make windchimes out of them. Some weirdo might like them. And what the hell does this have to do with the magical arts anyway? |
weepinwil Inner circle USA 3828 Posts |
Lord Malloc, thank you for your compliments. I tried to do the wind chimes but when the birds landed on them they would blow in the breeze and chomp their little heads off. Now, that was morbid.
p.s. I have payment options for my burial plans, too. However, if the family miss a payment, I dig you back up, put your body in the barn out back and re-sell your coffin. After a couple years, no one is going to visit you anyway. In these days of economic stress, pre-owned coffins are very popular. Weepin Willie Hayville School of Embalming and Culinary Science "Nothin' Says Lovin' Like Something From the Crematory Oven!"
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
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weepinwil Inner circle USA 3828 Posts |
I have also decided to sweeten the pot on orders of dental plates for the next few days. I will also include a pair of cadaver owned, lightly soiled underwear for just the additional processing and handling. "Be sure to wear clean underwear," Momma always said, and believe it or not, most do. However when they come into the Death Emporium they are not so clean. We remove them but do not replace them, leaving us quite a few pair of new but soiled underwear. We cannot guarantee the brand or exact size but we do guarantee that a little washing will make them almost like new. That way, by buying lightly soiled underwear, the laugh is on Mamma if you have an accident.
Providing a joyous year of savings for both the Living and the Dead. Willie
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
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KOTAH Inner circle 2289 Posts |
Loved that ' laugh is on momma' line a lot Will.
Have you any thoughts on the ' Mushroom Suit' ? It is a zipper closure suit, basically a body bag made from mushroom spore infused thread Natural burial, no coffin , no wasted wood, co creamation. less polutants in the air. No cancer causing embalming fluids. Just zip it and forgit it. Cost for the suit is seven hundred dollars. Why not just bury them with the mushrooms, spores and all, and deep six the suit?? Kotah saves you Kash. |
weepinwil Inner circle USA 3828 Posts |
Quote:
On Dec 26, 2016, KOTAH wrote: Thanks Kotah, Yes we have actually tried the mushroom suits but most of the clients who bought them were from the 60's and smoked them or ate them before they died leaving us with no option but to bury them the old way. I am thinking that even though we are a discount funeral service we will have to diversify to survive in the future market, as people choose other options such as donating their bodies to the Soylent Green Famine Society or who knows what else. That is why we expanded the funeral parlor to open a birthing center and the cremation school to include the culinary arts. (once the oven is hot bake everything you can). We are currently working on what to do with the left over foreskins in the birthing center and thinking of offering a post-natal ring that expands as your finger grows. Sort of a keepsake to last a lifetime. Keep in touch for our upcoming offers and remember, "If you always wanted an Uncle Fred, but don't have one," you can have one now by taking advantage of our Cremains Adoption Program for those left behind. Happy New Year!
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
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KOTAH Inner circle 2289 Posts |
Will, I have been wondering if your slightly soiled underware includes briefs, boxers and perhaps panties as well?
Would hate to think you were missing out on the trans - bi/ cross dresser sales as well. Not to mention the desperate housewives, and the internet sniffer crowd. Kotah |
weepinwil Inner circle USA 3828 Posts |
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On Dec 29, 2016, KOTAH wrote: We include all except the soiled panties. They sellout faster than we can supply them. As you know the Death Industry is not discriminatory against any group or sexual preference. However, Death does appear to still be segregated, evidenced by the fact that there are both Black and White funeral homes and each race chooses to do business with their ethnic Home. I guess to sum it up I could just state, "In the embalming room not even Victoria has any secrets!"
"Til Death us do part!" - Weepin Willie
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