1. You;re so stupid you got locked in the supermarket and nearly starved to death

2. You're so stupid you got fired from the M&M's factory for throwing away the w's

3. You're so fat that when you got lost they took up three sides of the milk carton to try and find you

4. A man walked into the doctor's and said "Doctor, Doctor everyone's ignoring me!" The doctor said " I said 'next please!' "

5. A ventriloquist was in a bar and telling jokes about blondes. After the performance, a blonde came up to him and said, "I'm very offended by that."
the man replied, "Sorry, I apologize."
The blonde then said, " Oy, you shut up! I'm talking to the guy on your knee!"

If anyone has any jokes then please post them

P.S. I am not meaning to offend anyone

Two guys were golfing when they look up to see a funeral driving by slowly on its way to the cemetary. One of the guys takes off his hat, puts it over his heart and takes a moment of silence. When the funeral has passed, his buddy says, "Wow, Hank. That was really nice of you." And Hank says, "Well, it's the least I could do. I was married to her for 30 years."

I predict the longest thread in Café history.

Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?
---'Cause it was dead.
Why'd the bird fall out of the tree?
---'Cause it was stapled to the monkey.

hehehe funniest joke I have heard in a while

Q. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Two. One to screw it in, and one to not screw it in.

____________

A Buddhist Monk goes up to a hot dog stand and asks, "Can you make me one with everything?"

A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Your pants are down".
:goof:
There is a link of sausage and a slice of bacon laying in a frying pan. The sausage turns over to the bacon and says, "Man, it sure is getting hot in here!" The slice of bacon replies, "Aaaaggghhh, talking sausage!"
:heehee:
A pretzel walked down the street. He was a salted.
:lol:
Two men walk into a bar, the second one should've ducked.
:dizzy:
Some bacon and eggs walk into a bar, and they ask for a round of beer. The bartender replies, "We don't serve breakfast".
:rolleyes:

Two blondes are in a forest and come across some tracks. The first blonde says, "They're rabbit tracks!" The other says, "They're bear tracks!"

They argue for ten minutes or so and end up getting ran over by a train!

Ok, I've got a couple blondies for ya'll:

1. Three women, only one of them blonde, are driving along in the desert. The car gives out and they're stuck. So, they decide to walk the rest of their journey. They decide to each bring one thing with them. One non-blonde brings food. The others ask why. "Well, in case we get hungry, we can eat!" They thought that was good. The other non-blonde brought water. When asked why, she said, "Well, in case we get thirsty, we can drink!" The others thought this was fair. Then, the blonde rips the door off of the car and the other two scream, "Now, why in the world are you bringing that!?" She replies, "Well, in case we get hot, we can roll down the window."

2. A blonde is at a vending machine, inserts her money, presses a button and a pop comes out. Excited, she inserts more money, and another pop comes out. In a frenzy, she begins inserting her money, pressing different buttons, and celebrating every soda that the machine gives her. A man comes up and says, "Gee, why are you doing this so much?" She responds, "I'm winning, aren't I?"

A kilted Scotsman was walking down country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, his back against a tree. As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly.

When they came to the source of it, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt". So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!". Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.

Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow.

After several moments passed, he said, "I dinnae know where ye been laddie, but it's nice ta see ye won fierst prize!"


Muggy

These Are Really Bad!!

Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, & got married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.


Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it'


"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."


Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"


A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy."


A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


Muggy

What do you call rednecks chasing hillbillies?
NASCAR

What's the difference between women and batteries? (This is my wife's FAVORITE joke....not)
Batteries have a positive side.

How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
10,000. 1 to change the bulb, the other 9,999 to argue who's technique he's using.

A duck walks into a drug store and asks for some chapstick. The cashier asks, "Will that be cash or charge?" The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."

A priest, rabbi, horse, cowboy and set of siamese twins walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

After a heavy night's drinking, a guy gets into his car and starts off home. He's awfully drunk and it doesn't take long before a cop pulls him over.
The cop can clearly smell booze on the guy's breath and asks, "Have you been drinking?".

"Yeah", he answers, "I had twelve beers, three whiskeys, a white russian, a few more beers and a pint of Guiness to finish it all off".

"I'm gonna have to give you a breath-test," the cop explains.

"What's the matter," says the drunk, "don't you believe me?"

-----------------------------------

Always starts with an A, but sometimes with an S.

There were 2 muffins in the oven. The first one says, "Oh my gosh, it's hot in here." Then the second muffin says, "Oh my gosh, a talking muffin!"

The best joke in the world?

You, for reading it

Sorry it isn't a very good joke but a funny way to have a joke with someone.

Another Blonde Joke;

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"

The big woman replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional tri-athlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 220 pounds, and she is a current professional kick boxer.

And, next to her is a blonde who is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250 pounds, and she's an ex-Olympic shot-putter. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The guy thinks about it a second and says: "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road and roll's in the mud and then crosses back to the original side?

A dirty double crosser.

Dan Turcotte

This one is dedicated to those that told blond jokes.

It's due to the amazing technology in science that doctors are now able to do brain transplants!! Mens brains are priced at $100,000 unfortunately woman's brains are only $50,000.
(comedic pause) Here's the part where men nudge their wives and laugh.

.......but that's cause womans brains are used. (Ladies now laugh louder)

:O)

Some one-liners I've found: (The last few are some kind of self-recursive sentences. I love them )


Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son. "Diet."

"I'm a Leo. Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff." - Tom Neff

"It's easier said than done." ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done".

There's no such thing as gravity - the earth sucks

"To be, or not to be."--Hamlet
"Do-bee-do-bee-do."--Sinatra

If you think this sentence is confusing, then change one pig.

You have, of course, just begun reading the sentence that you have just finished reading.

This sentense contains exactly three erors.

You and I, alas, can have only one-way communication, for you are a person and I, a mere sentence.

I had to translate this sentence into English because I could not read the original Sanskrit.

What would this sentence be like if pi were 3?

I never make a mistake. One time I thought I did, but I was wrong.

Hmm the last ones are not really funny, but in some way cool. Google for 'flutzpah' if you want more

There was this rich fella, and he was having an affair with an Italian girl.

One day she says to him, "Hey guessa what? Ima pregnant!" The guy says, "Oh Crap! Hey, I tell you what, lets keep this discreet. We'll set up a secret code. When you have the baby, just send me a post card, and on the back just write "spaghetti." That will be our code, and I'll send you some money to take care of it."

Several months later, the guy is at a business luncheon, when he receives a call from his wife. She says, "Honey, we just got the STRANGEST postcard in the mail. It's really weird, and I don't understand it!" He says, "Well, what does it say?"

She says, "It says "Spaghetti, spaghetti' spaghetti, TWO WITH MEATBALLS, ONE WITHOUT!!!"