The Magic Café
Username:
Password:
[ Lost Password ]
  [ Forgot Username ]
The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Not very magical, still... » » Post your Jokes (0 Likes) Printer Friendly Version

 Go to page [Previous]  1~2~3 [Next]
hkwiles
View Profile
Special user
Howard Wiles
797 Posts

Profile of hkwiles
"Doctor, Doctor! I think I'm going deaf!"

"What are the symptoms?"

"A yellow coloured cartoon family"



Howard
hkwiles
View Profile
Special user
Howard Wiles
797 Posts

Profile of hkwiles
And there's more...

"Doctor, Doctor I feel like a cowboy"

"Really. How long have you felt like this?"

"Oh about a yeee..haaa !

(well you did ask for them)

Howard
hkwiles
View Profile
Special user
Howard Wiles
797 Posts

Profile of hkwiles
And.....

"Doctor, Doctor. I can't pronounce my "f's", "t's" and "th's".

"Well. You can't say fairer than that!"

sorry,
Howard
Scott Cram
View Profile
Inner circle
2677 Posts

Profile of Scott Cram
How many software programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
It can't be done. It's a hardware problem!

Why can't Buddha vaccum under the sofa?
He has no attachments!

Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

Quote:
On 2004-04-15 05:43, alekz wrote:
What would this sentence be like if pi were 3?


I kn
Image
w
Image
ne maj
Image
r change t
Image
y
Image
ur sentence that w
Image
uld happen if pi were 3!
daffydoug
View Profile
Eternal Order
Look mom! I've got
14062 Posts

Profile of daffydoug
Some fellas were at a bar in New york, getting soused, when one fella says to the other "You know what? When you are drunk, you are so limber, you can jump right off a building, and just bounce right back!" Other fellow says "No way!"

First guy says "OK, I'll prove it to you!" So he takes him to the top of the Empire State building. He says "watch! Geronimo!" and he jumps and goes all the way to the ground, and BOING he bounces right back up, does a little pirhoette, and lands right on his feet next to the other guy!"

The other guy says "Wow! I don't believe it! Do it again!

So he says "Geronimo! And once again jumps, and bounces right back up, does a little pirhoette, and lands right on his feet.

The other guy is incredulous, and says "Hey Let me try it! Geronimo!" He jumps, falls all the way down, hits the pavement, and SPLAT!! He's splattered all over the sidewalk.

The first guy looks down, spits on him, then in one leap, he's back at the bar.

Bartender looks at him and says " You did it again, didn't you?"

Guy says ""Yup"

Bartender says " You know what, Superman, you sure can be a real a******e when you've been drinking!"
The difficult must become easy, the easy beautiful and the beautiful magical.
mattmann101
View Profile
New user
Blackburn, Lancashire (of 4000 holes)
27 Posts

Profile of mattmann101
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
.
.
.
.
Being eaten by a shark.
Doug Higley
View Profile
V.I.P.
Here and There
7173 Posts

Profile of Doug Higley
This thread is the supreme reason why Magicians need writers...why Scotland is not a hotbed of comedy and why Jessica Simpson had 38 million jokes written about her before she was famous.

Question: how can so many inanimate objects such as umbrellas and pickles etc get away with 'walking' into a bar and asking questions of 'the bartender'? It is quite obvious that before communication could take place it would be the bartender who would walk to a jar of pickles or an umbrella stand and begin the conversation...or to be believable, jokes must be from real situations...ie:

A guy walks into a bar with a jar of pickles...a pregnant blonde waitress say's "...great! I have the sardines!" and one of the pickles say's...'why are you carrying around that car door?' and the bartender say's "because her brain is used." The Duck not paying any attention say's "Where's my shorts?"
A drunk at the bar, laughing hysterically and crying at the same time is performing a double lift for a Cabbage, which is not amused and from a height of 105 stories a guy falls through the roof of the bar *splat* clutching a big red S in a triangle...

Meanwhile...In a dark corner of the bar...Robert Baxt is taking notes...
Higley's Giant Flea Pocket Zibit
pikacrd
View Profile
Veteran user
Florida
387 Posts

Profile of pikacrd
Quote:
On 2004-08-16 09:06, mattmann101 wrote:
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
.
.
.
.
Being eaten by a shark.





I laughed
“Indubitably, Magic is one of the subtlest and most difficult of the sciences and arts. There is more opportunity for errors of comprehension, judgment and practice than in any other branch of physics”. William S. Burroughs 1914-1997 American Writer
Count Elmsley
View Profile
New user
Lincoln UK
66 Posts

Profile of Count Elmsley
It was in the early hours of the morning.

A burlgar was trying to open the safe in a large house.

Suddenly he heard a voice behind him say "Jesus is watching you!".

He turned round to see who was there but couldn't see anyone in the dark.

He fiddled with the safe again, and then he heard: "Jesus is watching you!".

The burglar shone his torch slowly round the room, finally stopping when he saw a parrot watching him.

"Hello!", he said, "What's your name then?".

"Moses!", said the parrot.

The burglar laughed and said: "Which stupid idiot calls his parrot 'Moses'?"

The parrot replied: "The same stupid idiot that calls his rottwieller 'Jesus!"
Alan
Mister Wizzy
GypsyPirate
View Profile
Regular user
110 Posts

Profile of GypsyPirate
Quote:
On 2004-04-15 05:43, alekz wrote:

If you think this sentence is confusing, then change one pig.

You have, of course, just begun reading the sentence that you have just finished reading.



I laughed 'til I cried at the first one... composed myself... read that next one and was on the floor.
Magic Mark

"How'd you do that?" ... "Very carefully."
GypsyPirate
View Profile
Regular user
110 Posts

Profile of GypsyPirate
Sex is the number one cause of teen pregnancy.

This joke makes about as much sense as the difference between a duck.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything is going your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and
looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So.
What did you think?"

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says
it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told
me.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were!

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said,
"See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down
on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing? This steers it."

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot.

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing.

"Time flys like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." -Groucho Marx

"I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I shall never know." -also Groucho Marx

A nurse comes in and says "Doctor, the invisible man is here to see you." He replies, "Sorry, tell him I can't see him right now."

A guy runs into a doctor's office and shouts, "Doc! Doc! Quick help me... I'm shrinking!" He replies, "I'm sorry, you'll have to be a little patient."
Magic Mark

"How'd you do that?" ... "Very carefully."
BSutter
View Profile
Special user
Sitting on a pile of
582 Posts

Profile of BSutter
GypsyPirate,
Why do you give Groucho Marx credit for his (2) lines when the majority of the post is from Steven Wright?

Never mind, your name says it all.
GypsyPirate
View Profile
Regular user
110 Posts

Profile of GypsyPirate
Hey that's clever... never thought of that... I wasn't sure they were steven wright... I just had a list I've saved up and copied and pasted... thanks for clarifying
Magic Mark

"How'd you do that?" ... "Very carefully."
dr chutney
View Profile
Special user
United Kingdom
518 Posts

Profile of dr chutney
A funeral cortege is making its way up the High Street when the hearse brakes suddenly and the coffin is shot out the back. It starts rolling down the hill, past W H Smith, past Marks and Spencer, and crashes through the door of Boots. As it passes the pharmacy counter the corpse lifts the lid and says, "Have you got anything to stop this coffin?"

A father sees his son strugging down the street pulling a sofa on which are stacked two armchairs. The father says, "How many times must I tell you, you do not take suites from strangers!"

A paper bag goes to the doctors for an examination, and is told to come back one week later for the results. Sure enough, he returns, and the doctor says "I've got some rather serious news for you"
"What is it?", asks the bag.
"Well, the thing is, you've got Hepatitis B."
"How can that be?", he asks,"I've never been near any infected blood."
"Well", replies the doctor, "your mother must have been a carrier."

"I rang up a local building firm and I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"
We're having a laugh!
Grab yourself a FREE Joke Ebook at http://thejester.biz
mattmann101
View Profile
New user
Blackburn, Lancashire (of 4000 holes)
27 Posts

Profile of mattmann101
William Shakespear walks into a pub. The Barman says "Get out, Your Bard!"

A Man is knocked over by a mobile library, as he's lying in agony in the road and screaming in pain, the driver gets out and goes "SHHHHHHH"

- Both Peter Kay (I couldn't include the funnier ones as they're way too rude for even inpolite company)
JackDaniel
View Profile
Veteran user
nevada
376 Posts

Profile of JackDaniel
Quote:
On 2004-04-07 11:23, kid iowa wrote:

How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
10,000. 1 to change the bulb, the other 9,999 to argue who's technique he's using.



:rotf: Smile Smile

Great one!!
Jack.
Visit the magic of Vegas and your life will change forever..
dpe666
View Profile
Inner circle
2894 Posts

Profile of dpe666
A woman goes into an exotic pet store, and sees a beautiful talking parrot. The sign on the cage reads, "Talking parrot. ONLY $50!" The woman can't believe it. There must be some mistake. She calls the shop keeper over and inquires about the price of the amazing bird. "Nope. That's no mistake.", says the shop keep. "His last home was a brothel, so the things he says can be offensive." The woman considers this for a moment, figures the bird could probably be retrained, so she buys the parrot, and takes him home.

When she gets the bird home, the bird looks around and says, "Raaah! New house. New Madame. Raaahh!" The woman is a bit taken aback, but decides to laugh it off.

A few hours later, the woman's two teenaged daughters arrive home from school. The bird sees them and says, "Raaahh! New house. New hookers. Raaah!" The girls are stunned, but their mother explains the situation and the all have a good laugh.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband arrives home from work. The bird sees him, and says, "Rraahh! Hi, Kevin!"
:devilish:

An honest man is closing up the store for his boss. Part of his closing duties is to count the money. As he is counting, he hears an audible voice whisper to him, "Take the money." The man looks around, and decides it was only his imagination. Again the voice says, "Take the money." "No!" the man says in a somewhat loud voice. The voice replies, "Trust me. Take the money. Go outside, and get into cab #311." The man, although an honest man, is now courious. So, he takes all the money in the store (about $23,000), and goes outside.

A moment later a cab drives up, and the man waves him down. Sure enough the cab's number is #311. The man gets in the cab. "Where to, mister?" asks the cabbie. The voice tells the man, "To the airport." The man tell the cabbie to drive him to the airport.

When the cab arrives at the airport, the man pays the driver, and goes into the terminal. The voice says "Go to the service desk of American Airlines, and buy a one-way ticket to Las Vegas." The man does so, and is soon on his way to Las Vegas.

When the plane lands, the man looks around the terminal, and asks, "So, what do I do know?" The voice replies, "Go out front and find the van with the logo for The Mirage Hotel and Casino. Get in and tell the driver to 'Step on it'." The man does just that and soon arrives at the Mirage.

"What know?" asks the man who by know is getting very excited. "Go into the casino.", the voice says. The man quickly runs inside, and looks around. "Go to the Roullette Wheels." The man races to the Roullette tables, and looks them over. "Wheel #4!" says the mysterious voice. The man races over to table #4. "The voice commands, "Put ALL the money on black 17!" The man does as he is told. The game operator sets the wheel spinning and the ball in motion. Round and round it goes, until finally the ball comes to rest on red 34. The voice says, "Damn!"
:devilish:
prettylady1990
View Profile
Loyal user
206 Posts

Profile of prettylady1990
1. Your mamma's so fat not even Bill Gates could afford for her to have lipo-suction
Magicmike1949
View Profile
Special user
647 Posts

Profile of Magicmike1949
Little boy gets hit by a car and is lying in the street. First person to arrive says, "Do you want me to call a doctor?" Boy shakes his head and says, "I'm afraid it's too late for that." So the guy says, "Do you want me to call a priest?" And the kid says,"How can you think about sex at a time like this?"
Dr_Stephen_Midnight
View Profile
Inner circle
SW Ohio, USA
1555 Posts

Profile of Dr_Stephen_Midnight
Did you know there's enough sand in North Africa to cover the entire Sahara Desert?

Steve
Dr. Lao: "Do you know what wisdom is?"
Mike: "No."
Dr. Lao: "Wise answer."
The Magic Cafe Forum Index » » Not very magical, still... » » Post your Jokes (0 Likes)
 Go to page [Previous]  1~2~3 [Next]
[ Top of Page ]
All content & postings Copyright © 2001-2021 Steve Brooks. All Rights Reserved.
This page was created in 0.24 seconds requiring 5 database queries.
The views and comments expressed on The Magic Café
are not necessarily those of The Magic Café, Steve Brooks, or Steve Brooks Magic.
> Privacy Statement <

ROTFL Billions and billions served! ROTFL