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Scott Cram
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...and now, a look back at the top news stories for the year 2035:

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon)
.
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting Machine
Patrick Differ
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Ahem...

The bell ringer in the local church dies, so the padre puts an ad in the newspaper: "Wanted: Bell Ringer."
The next day, there is a knock at the door of the church and the padre answers. Standing at the door is a man that doesn't have any arms.
The padre asks, "May I help you?"
The no-armed man answers, "I'd like the job as the bell ringer."
The padre replies, "How can you ring the bell if you don't have any arms?"
The man replies, "I banged on the door, didn't I?"
The padre agrees to let him try so they both climb 12 flights of stairs to the belfry.
The no-armed man takes a look at the bell. Then he charges it! He smacks the bell with his forehead and the bell swings away with a "Gong!"
The bell then swings back and clips the man under his chin and sends him flying out the window and he falls 12 floors to his death.
The padre, thunderstruck, races down the stairs to the man's body.
An old man walks by and asks the padre, "Who is that?"
The padre replies, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

So the padre still needs a bell ringer and leaves the ad in the paper.
The next day there is another knock at the door and the padre answers.
Standing there is another man without arms.
The padre asks, "May I help you?"
The man answers, "I'd like the job as the bell ringer."
The padre asks, "How can you ring the bell if you don't have any arms?"
The man replies, "Well, I banged on the door, didn't I?"
So the padre agrees to let the man try and they both climb 12 flights of stairs to the belfry.
The second no-armed man takes one look at the bell and charges it...and misses it completely and goes out the opposite window and falls 12 floors to his death.
The padre, thunderstruck, races down the stairs and gets to the body.
The old man, walking the other direction this time, asks, "Who's that?"
The padre replies, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for the other guy."

(Not mine.)

Patrick
Will you walk into my parlour? said the Spider to the Fly,
Tis the prettiest little parlour that ever you did spy;
The way into my parlour is up a winding stair,
And I've a many curious things to show when you are there.

Oh no, no, said the little Fly, to ask me is in vain,
For who goes up your winding stair
-can ne'er come down again.
Ryan Birch
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North Wales
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How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a torch in her ear!

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate'

What do you call Christina Aguillera in a toaster?
A pop tart!
"NO Ryan! I do NOT want to see another one of your silly magic tricks!" - my mum
Scott Cram
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How do you get a sweet little 80-year old lady to swear?
Get another sweet little 80-year old lady to yell, "BINGO!"


Quote:
On 2004-08-24 07:10, goblin wiz wrote:
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a torch in her ear!


Isn't that a little harsh? Wouldn't a flashlight be kinder, and just as effective?
amazingmace
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Why did the conjoined twins move to England?
So the one on the right could drive.
www.amazingmaces.com Father and Son magic team.
Joey Stalin
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I went hiking last Saturday and wound up in a little bit of a quandry. I never bring bear spray or bear bangers, I had never crossed paths with a bear in the wild. I guess I was a little bit over due. I was just finishing off my lunch by a lake when a bear came into view. He started come towards me, I blew my whistle, but he kept coming towards me. I dropped my lunch and ran, this bear was gaining on me quickly. I spotted a tree and managed to climb in just in time. The bear got on its hind legs and tried swiping at me. I was out of his reach though. He tried knocking the tree over but lost interest and sauntered off. I waited to make sure it was gone before coming down, but the bear came out from the thicket, followed by another bear! They both went up on their hind legs trying to reach for me! The tried together to knock the tree over. They were getting fustrated, I could tell. Then one of them climbed onto the other's back!!! I raced higher into the tree, barely managing to escape its reach. They finally gave up and went back into the thicket. I waited twice as long this time before I started making my way down the tree. I was halfway down when out of the thicket came two bears and a beaver.

My High School Biology teacher loved to tell that joke.
-A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
-It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
-The secret impresses no one. The trick you use it for is everything.

See you space cowboy...
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