I was at a party the other night. A girl reached for an hors d'oerve and got a tidbit.

Ouch!... ....

Did you hear about the spanish fireman who named his sons Hose A and Hose B?...

As the Boston fisherman said to the magician, "Pick a cod, any cod."

"And don't let me sea it"... ..

Touche!

Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord...
"God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
"Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute." ...

Posted: Aug 26, 2006 7:57am
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. .....

What is black and white, black and white, black and white?
A nun, rolling downhill

If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. ...

A little boy answers the phone.
'Hello' he whispers.
A man asks, 'Is your father there please?'
BOY (still whispering) 'Yes, but he's busy upstairs'
MAN 'Okay, can I speak to your mom then?'
BOY (whispering) 'No, 'cos she's busy upstairs too'
MAN 'Is there anybody else in the house?'
BOY (whispering) 'There's a policeman here'
MAN 'Can I speak to him then?'
BOY (whispering) 'No, he's busy'
MAN 'Anyone else?'
BOY (whispering) 'Err..there's a couple of firemen here'
MAN 'Is there any chance I can speak to one of them?'
BOY (whispering) 'No sorry, they're both busy at the moment'
MAN 'Let me get this right...your Mom and Dad are in, there's a policeman and two firemen there but I can't speak to any of them because they're all busy?'
BOY (whispering) 'That's right'
MAN 'What the hell are they all doing?'
BOY (whispering) 'They're looking for me'

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

...

A man goes to Boston, looking forward to some of the great seafood that they have there. After getting his luggage from the baggage carousel, he exited Logan Airport and hailed a taxi.

"Wheah to, bub?" the taxi driver asked.

"Take me somewhere where I can get scrod," the man demanded.

The taxi driver looked back at him over his shoulder and said, "You ah theh only man eveah to ask for that in the pluperfect subjunctive tense, misteah! Ahm impressed!" as the cab sped off into the Big Dig Tunnel...!

Lee Darrow, C.H.

A gang of thieves broke into our local police station last night and stole all the toilet seats.
A police spokesman today said, 'At the present time we have nothing to go on'

Husband 'What would you like for your birthday, darling?'

Wife 'I want a divorce'

Husband 'Err...I wasn't planning on spending that much'


Man, I gotta stay away from this thread!¡!¡!

Smoking is a dying art.

You never know what real happiness is until you get married, and then it is too late.

Death is hereditary.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier...

Posted: Sep 15, 2006 7:52am
A man enters a little country store, and notices a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.
"Yep, that's him," came the reply.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!" ...

The teacher was asking the students what their dad's did for a living. Susie said her dad was a fireman. Luke said his dad was a doctor. Then she came to Johnny. "Johnny what does your dad do?" "My dad is dead ma'am" says Johnny. The teacher repies "Oh, I am so sorry, what did he do before he died" Johnny says "He grabbed his chest, turned really pale and went "aaaaaaaargh" and fell out of his chair."

Awful! Terrible! Painful! But FUNNY!

I'm in shape. Isn’t round a shape?
A balanced diet is a cheeseburger in each hand.....

During the banquet celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of marriage of such long duration. "Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife," an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.

Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, meekness, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you stayed single.

Posted: Sep 20, 2006 10:19am
A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings. When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove.

At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to descend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed: "Come down, Holy Spirit!" Still no sign of the dove.

The preacher then heard an anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters: "Sir, a big black cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the cat?"

Posted: Sep 20, 2006 10:24am
Also known as "women's intuition," the sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what is going on in their man's lives almost better than they do.

Why is this?

In the early 1980s, researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces...

That, and they go through your stuff when you're in the shower.

8 things women won't say ....

8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!...

I knew that I had to lose weight when I stepped on a 'speak your weight machine' and it said 'no coach parties please'

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”
The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."
The third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"
One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.”
The nurse asks, "Why?"
He replied, "He works for Seven Up!" ...