So there's these two muffins in an oven.

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them yells "Dang, it's hot in here!"

And the other muffin replies "Wow, a talking muffin!"

I just installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!...

One day three guys were driving in the middle of nowhere when their car broke down.

They got out and looked around at their surroundings.

Finally, the first guy says, "I'm gonna go look for some food."

The other two guys say, "Why?".

"So we can eat of course." says the first guy.

Once the first guy comes back the second guy says, "I'm going to go get some water".

"Why" asked the other two.

"So we can drink it if we get thirsty of course".

Once the second guy gets back the third guy goes and tears off the car door.

"Whats that for?" asked the other two.

" In case we get hot we can roll down the window."

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading...

A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any dang ears to hang glasses on."

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?...

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ...

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For heaven's sake, you idiot, it's 2am in the freaking morning!!"

A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long-standing. ...

Just be glad he did not work for the WD-40 company!

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!'' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says no. ''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

An exasberated mother, whose son was very energetic and mischeivious and on her last nerve said to him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"
He looked at her and replied, "When I meet St Peter at the gate, I will start running in and out and slamming the gate shut.
His mother, now perplexed, asked what that would do, which he replied, "Well, St Peter will probably say, 'For heavens sake Billy, either come in or stay out!'"

A man walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Don't touch the purple monkey up in room 222." The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey. The man laughed again and touched the monkey. He then started down the stairs...the monkey was following him. The man went outside and got into his jeep. The monkey got in the back seat. The man ignored him. Later the man drove to the Eiffel Tower. The man got out of the car and the monkey followed. Later the man finally reached the top, but the monkey was right behind him. The man just burst and yelled, "What do you want!" The monkey came up to him and said, "Tag...you're it.

Little Billy's class went on a field trip to the Fire Dept and then to the Police Dept. While at the PD the wanted posters were noticed and the kids asked if those people pictured on them were really wanted. The Police Officer nodded his head yes and he pointed to the #1 most wanted saying, "This guy right is number one on our list and we want him real bad." Little Billy spoke up and said, "Why didn't you just keep him here when you took his picture?"

Q. How do you put a giraffe into the fridge?
A. Open the fridge, put it in, and close the door.

Q. How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
A. You open the door take out the giraffe, put the elephant in, and close the door.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film...

One day a mom who had three sons had a birthday. Each son wanted to get her the best gift ever, so they all went shopping. Her first son buys her a really fancy car. The second son buys her a really huge house. The third son went to talk to the priest. He talked with them for a while about a parrot that was trained to say the whole Bible. The priests said that it would cost a ton of money, but the son agreed that it was worth it to pay one million dollars every year for his mom to own the parrot. Later the mom was writing thank you cards. To her first son she wrote, "Thank you so much for the great car, but I'm too old to drive." To her second she wrote, "Thank you for the great house, but it would take a century to clean and I don't need that much space." To her third son she wrote, "O...my dear...dear son, that was delicious chicken."

A trveling salesman was driving in the country and he seen a pig that only had 3 legs. He stopped at the first farmhouse he came to and asked the farmer about that 3 legged pig.
The farmer told him that the pig broke out of it's pen one night and burst into the house, waking all that was in there. The pig had saved everyones life because the house was on fire. So the salesman asked if that was how the pig lost it's leg, from being burned in the fire. The farmer replied, "Oh heavens no! With a pig that good ya'll cant eat him all at once."

Two magicians were walking along when one stopped and said, "Those are deer tracks, I'm highly trained and experienced with them", the other magician disagreed and said, "No, those are elk tracks, I'm highly trained and experienced with them." The first magician insisted, "Those are deer tracks, I am highly trained and experienced with them. The other magician insisted as well, "No those are elk tracks, I am highly trained and experienced with them. The argument continued for several minutes until they both were run over by a train.